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Home > Money and Self-Worth.....Questions on Feminism

Money and Self-Worth.....Questions on Feminism

October 17th, 2009 at 05:36 am

Growing up, I noticed that society and the various women around me all reinforced the idea of self-worth and how it pertains to money. If a man spent a lot of money on you, that was a good thing. If he did not, then it was inferred that you should 1) not date him or 2) there was something wrong with your value.

I never believed in either concept, and I made it a point to be very independent when I dated and in my relationships. I made it a practice to go dutch most of the times, or we would switch from my paying for a date or the guy paying for a date, or we would pay portions of the expenses of the date (he would pay for the food, I would pay for the movie tickets).

I have noticed (as I invariably do when times get tougher financially) many female friends that I have that are insistent about the man paying...almost to the point of being what I would consider a bit too focused on obtaining something from the guy. Call it whatever you will.

But as much as I don't really agree with that, I do have to comment that 1) the ladies seem well fed and well taken care of by their dates and 2) I find that I often give more financially in my relationships---many of which the man earned more income than I did, and sometimes that makes me wonder.

As a feminist, I am torn by what I see. On one hand I can imagine how hard it is for a guy to constantly pay for dinners, for someone he may never end up in a relationship with, and there is also the notion of how society labels image and beauty and value (i.e., super models tend to have very rich boyfriends or husbands)--if you are deemed more desirable, then you may get treated a certain way when it comes to finances. When you are not considered as such, you may not have the people willing to treat you in such a fashion.

Is there an aspect to appearance and value and worth in our society that does impact the day to day finances? What is the female (or male---I am open to everyone's ideas) perspective of the topic?

4 Responses to “Money and Self-Worth.....Questions on Feminism”

  1. monkeymama Says:
    1255787412

    I think it boils down to a couple of things.

    When you are dating, and are independent, this can be mistaken for the fact that you want to take care of people.

    & I also think it comes down to communication.

    I feel like you, but I have not dated since I was 18. I haven't really tested my dateability in the real adult world. College students never cared if I went dutch, though all my women friends today think it's bad form to go dutch and would only let a man pay for a date. I've been told I am strange, that is for sure. Big Grin
    I think men who are more open to independent women also tend to be the types who "need taking care of." I also sense from your posts that you end up taking on a role of taking care of the man. & then you are upset you don't get, whatever it is, in return. I think that just comes down to communication. Though you are going to get more men types who will take advantage of you, because you are independent.

    It's a fine line. While most my women friends think I am crazy, I would never willingly let a man pay for a date or lavish me with gifts. I think it's important to be clear from the first date about my feelings on the subject. If the man doesn't like it, then we aren't compatible, plain and simple. That's why I would never play along, with someone I Wasn't compatible with, to make my friends happy.

    I do think many men and women, confuse independent women as wanting to take on the man role. I never said I wanted to take care of anyone, or be a man. Ugh! But going dutch I think somewhat singles you want your independence. "You don't pay for me and you don't tell me what to do." It's kind of what it boils down to, for me. My spouse is rather independent, and we work towards common goals. Since he temporarily stays home with the children, I know many women think that I take care of him. No, that's not part of the deal. Our relationship is 50/50. I would never be with someone who didn't hold up their end of the relationship - I wouldn't have the patience for it.

    I am curious what others will say - but those are some of my observations. I do have to add there is a cost to be willing to be taken care of by a man. Often (not always) you give up a fair amount of independence. I couldn't live like that either. I just like them whole middle thing where we are equal partners. & believe me, most of the women I know who are lavished with gifts and money, are not equal partners in the relationship. I know few women who are equal partners in their relationship , at all.

  2. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:
    1255791693

    I so agree with monkeymama. I think I'm old enough to be her mother, so you can imagine how dating went in my day with those beliefs. Um, some men were downright insulted, or disgusted, contemptuous. Those dates went downhill fast, as you can imagine. Oh, well. But I wound up with just the right person, and he even turned out to be older than me, yet compatible on the who pays/gifts/support/independence/mutuality/joint goals type issues.

    Don't settle for sort of compatible.

  3. zetta Says:
    1255818568

    I find both extremes -- man pays for everything vs. the woman always insisting on splitting or paying her own way -- equally unappealing. I think it is far more gracious for the person who initiates the first date to pay, and on a subsequent date (not necessiarly the 2nd date!) for the other person to say, "My treat -- I insist." Later if you become a couple you can have a conversation about whether it is better to loosely take turns or to go dutch.

    I also think that there is something psychological for a man in needing to "win her affections", and one of the ways to do that is by organizing and paying for dates. If the woman is paying half (or more) of everything, it's easy for a man to coast along and not consider whether he's sufficiently interested in the relationship to invest in it financially. (Time invested in the relationship is more expensive for a woman than for a man due to the biological clock and men generally preferring younger women, so you have to look at both the time and financial investment each is making...) For these reasons I think the feminist focus primarily on economic equality while dating is misguided.

    (Just for reference, I'm an independent woman who chose the still overwhelmingly male field of engineering, bought her own house while single, and waited to find the right guy who would be both supportive and an equal partner...)

  4. baselle Says:
    1255915669

    It sounds like the recession is really starting to bite down. Woman making sure that man has the wallet to provide for them. Having dated in the early 80s (a similar economic climate) and a woman, I can tell you that any woman should be careful - most men have figured out the game already. The relatively nice guys figure you aren't worth the hassle, the a$$holes look at what they've spent and try to get their money's worth.

    Bottom line for me is: be yourself. Any image that you try to create is far too exhausting.

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