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My soul is crying

February 25th, 2010 at 05:21 pm

I really like the title of this blog, so I opted to go with it, even though my entry is not as morose as the title may suggest. I just like the deepness of the words, ya know?

So, things on the money front have been soooo much better since I have the part-time job. Also, my ex gave me money for this month and he also paid a bill for me---the bill was his responsibility, but I figured that I would pay it from the money he gave me, since he isn't eating any of the food, and that is what the money really is for.

I have never had someone in my life, romantically, who really paid for things for me. Every guy I dated, I ended up paying more. And while this is also true of my most recent ex, he still has contributed more towards helping me than any other person, and I am so grateful for that.

Sometimes I feel bad because I think he is giving me money only because I gave him money and helped him for so long. I worry that he feels obligated. I worry that once he finds someone else, he will stop helping me. Sigh. Of course, I am an independent person and can take care of myself, and I am not asking him for handouts. I do very much appreciate his help. I think part of the problem in our relationship was that I did not let him help me, even when I needed it, mainly because I felt he had enough stuff to deal with. Now, I realize that as a man, that may have made him feel bad that I was trying to take care of everything. Yeah, I think we had some problems and really needed better understanding between us.

I want to give money to my relative who has helped me so much. So, I am going to be late paying a bill. I feel bad about that, but I don't want to have to wait longer to give her money. I could still pay my bill (and I am contemplating that), but it would mean that I may not be able to give her as much as I would like to. As the bill will only be 1 day late, I will not have a late fee or a mark on my credit report. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions. I have only been late on this bill 1 other time---and that was last year.

I feel a lot more relaxed with the part-time job, even though it means I am working 6 days a week. I feel more comfy that I am able to go out with friends and have a drink, or just be able to go places with friends and not feel like a miser or a pauper. Are those two the same? Anyway, I just feel more relaxed. I also like that I can buy the healthy food that I need. Although, I can recently admit that if I eat the way I have been eating lately, with a strong emphasis on certain healthy foods, then I am actually not spending as much when my diet is more varied.

I am still dealing with feeling like certain people do not value me or my abilities. I have been focusing more on improving myself on all levels, from efficiency to appearance, etc. I realize that for some, the appearance aspect is what they notice most.

I want to thank all of you who have been so kind and accepting and caring towards me. It really means a lot to me.

5 Responses to “My soul is crying”

  1. creditcardfree Says:

    Do you value YOU? People pick up on your own feelings about yourself. Think highly of yourself, there is no one else like you.

    I would pay your bill on time, make a smaller payment to the relative and then make a follow up payment to complete the repayment at the next available date. I say this because it sounds like the relative isn't expecting the money anyway.

  2. thebestmeicanbe Says:

    I think you are right---I can pay my relative 10 dollars less, and I will still have $20 to put towards my expenses until I get paid next week. My relative is not asking for the money, but I feel it is something I should do because they have been so good to me. I am going to think about paying the bill late.

  3. patientsaver Says:

    I think whenever you loan money to friends or relatives, you should count on them NOT paying you back, and consider whether you would still give the money if that turns out to be true.

    I've experienced what you've described as far as men in my life who don't equally contribute, but more often I've been with men who have been very generous with me, because they could afford to be. Later in life, when the situation had reversed and I was making more money, it gave me pleasure to help out one or two men i dated who needed the help. I only think i was able to help them financially becus i had memories of other men doing that for me, and somehow i felt it was important that i return that favor, even if it was to a different man.

    Generosity is a good trait, but you MUST take care of your own necessities first, and if you have a bill that would be late, even a day late once you give money to a relative, i would wait until you can truly afford it.

    You are mixing up the emotions you feel in wanting to help your relative with the dollars and cents of your personal money management and I've always felt you should keep the emotions out of money management.

  4. patientsaver Says:


    If you feel that you must now repay your relative for all she's done for you, there are plenty of other ways you can say "thanks" without handing over cash that will cause you to be late paying a bill.

    Invite them over for dinner, make a thoughtful gift, etc.

  5. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:

    "Ex?" He is an "ex" now, is he? Hhhhhh (big sigh). Life is changing, is it not?

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