I have been feeling a bit blue lately---been thinking a lot about my life, how I am feeling, what I want, the person that I want to be, etc. I am feeling like I so wish I could press rewind and do sooo many things differently, but I know that isn't possible. I often find myself thinking or rather dreaming of when I will be able to really live like as I would like to and be the kind of person I really want to be.

The food is an issue....I wish I could afford to go into the nice stores and buy the super healthy food all of the time. I don't think I would be wild and pay $5 for a head of lettuce, but I do wish at times I could buy more organic food and have a refrigerator and pantry full of healthy food options. I know that I can feed myself, healthy, for only a couple hundred bucks, so I am going to focus on sticking to that amount for next month, rather than continuously trying to stay within my budget of $100. With the 2nd job, I can be able to afford the increase in the food expenses.

I wish i could be more carefree on the weekends...strolling to healthy exercise classes, etc. The kind of person I want to be is very healthy and fit and most of all, happy. I do realize that being worried about my finances, working a lot, not always feeling understood or accepted, does stress me out a bit and make me not the most cheerful person. I wish I were a bit more bubbly in a lot of regards.

I am taking the steps now to live the life that I really want. Perhaps when I am in a better space health and finance wise, I will be more content and thus, be more open to meeting another person. I feel like I just have to keep going, and be patient, and being patient is a bit hard for me (probably why I am in this situation, no?).

I sometimes get mad at myself and others because of 1) bad financial decisions I have made, 2) working very hard, but seeing others have things much easier for far less work, and 3) honestly, having a lot of heavy responsibility when I was young that I do not regret, but sort of impacted some of my dreams. I feel a bit like I have always had to be a bit more responsible, and for a good while, I was so much better with saving money. I just feel like all of the stress comes out in my body and my level of happiness.

I realize that I am just ranting a bit right now, and that I should be soooo thankful for being able to work, and even more that I am blessed to be able to work part time as well. I think the part-time thing is also a good opportunity for me to not be alone, sad, in my apartment. I also realize that the more I improve my abode and myself, the more I won't feel so "alone", in as much as I will feel like I am in my own little private relaxation oasis of sorts.

I am going to take the advice regarding the yoga. I do feel like I am a bit disconnected from my body, and that I am operating more from my neck up and not connecting with getting back in tune with good movement and flexibility and breathing exercises and all of that.

I am going to go to the grocery store at the beginning of next month, and I will shop like I am shopping for more than 1 week at a time. I still need to work on making my actual meal chart for the week so I have clearer ideas of what to cook.

I am continuing to work on improving myself and making time for myself and doing things that nourish my soul and my body and my mind and my home. I thank you all for taking the time to read my ramblings.

So, here it is, the last stretch before the end of the month. My frozen food is coming into play for my week's meals, and I am wondering where all the money went!

I am just feeling kind of low-energy today. I feel like just going home and getting in my bed and staying in it until I go to sleep. That very rarely happens, as I am usually half-watching tv, half-doing chores, etc. Maybe today I should just cook dinner, check my email, and be in bed by 8pm? Wouldn't that be amazing in some ways?

It is hard for me to feel ok to relax, even though every day I feel like I just can't get untense enough. I always feel like it is a struggle to try and really relax in my shoulders, back, etc. I have so much that needs to be done on my home improvement project, that everywhere I look I see something that has to be fixed, and should have been fixed weeks, if not months ago. Sigh.

I am upset at myself for not really watching my spending at all this month, and having to rely on my credit cards. That is not good as I did get my tax refund, but most of it was already earmarked for bills, and loans and home improvement items that needed to be bought (like cleaning supplies, etc.). I feel that I should have watched my money more closely and really planned out my budget. Instead, I bought whatever food I wanted, all the coffee drinks in the world it seems, and while I still didn't go crazy in what I bought, the little lower priced items do add up.

I am going to focus more on working and my home improvement goals this weekend. I am really eager to have time to be able to put some junk that I still want into storage (I know, its an oxymoron). At some point, I will be able to really decide what I can sell or give away. Right now, my stuff isn't worth a whole lot, so I am not sure who would really buy it.

On a positive note, I checked my retirement account recently, and woo hoo! I regained almost all of the money that I had lost when the market went a little baty. yay!! I know I should not think of my retirement as an emergency savings, but considering I don't have much of one right now, any little bit helps. I am hoping that my part-time job will help me to start putting more money away.

The ex stuff is hard. I also have a lot of his stuff still, and we haven't discussed when he will come and get it, or if he needs to keep it at my place for a while, etc. We haven't even had a really good, face to face, conversation since we decided to just be friends. That part is hard at times. He is still having money problems, so I feel that that difficult part of our relationship would have still continued in some ways, though, my part-time job really does help tremendously.

Not watching my budget and buying all of my groceries in large shopping trips now has me feeling hungry a lot and tempted to eat unhealthy foods---all because of lack of preparation. I am trying to not give into the quick and easy lure of fast food. I think I am just stressed a bit, so a huge burrito sounds like good comfort at times. I am trying to ignore its siren call.

I am also trying to avoid getting into a mental funk. There is a situation where I am really working very hard and trying to bite my tongue whenever possible, yet a person over me is soooo unbelieveably clueless about how much their favoritism of particular co-workers shows. This person really lights up whenever they are discussing the co-workers. What is hurtful about this is that 1) the co-workers are not committed to the job AT all, and 2) one of the co-workers gives me really bad vibes, and is not a very trustworthy person. Because of some issues that I think really are sexist, he can say the most off the wall and inappropriate things, and the person over me thinks it is hilarious. If another one of my co-workers said those things, the person over me would think that they were being inappropriate. It is just hard when you are trying so hard, and a person, because of their own issues and biases, fails to really see you as a person.

I am working on just trying to be the best me I can be and really improve a lot of areas of my life. My finances definitely need a lot of improvement. I am happy, however, that the balances on my larger bills are slowly going down. On others, I need to work harder on them.

Thank you to everyone that listens to my ramblings. It does help a lot to be able to express this kind of stuff, especially since friends and family are not always available.

So, I took the liberty of writing down in a clearer format how much my food expenses SHOULD cost me per month if I actually adhere to them.

Even with providing enough basic and healthy foods, my food is a little under $200 bucks, and that isn't including coffee (hey, we all have our vices, right?). I also included in that amount about $20 bucks for the rare take out meal.

I have not watched my budget this month, which is probably why I am broke right now. I am not too worried about it, because I still have to be paid for this month's part-time work, and that should be a pretty sizeable check---enough to get stuff for home and car improvements, and put a lil bit aside for savings.

I have been trying to work as hard as possible on both jobs, and just immersing myself in improving how I feel about myself and improving my abode. I have been doing pretty good on both fronts, though no weightloss this month. Oddly, due to just being tired and a crazy schedule (averaging about 60 hours per week), I ate out far too much. Even though I focused on eating healthy things, as the scale hasn't budged, it is probably the amount of calories in the pre-made food that made my weight stay stagnant. I am going to eat out less in May.

The ex and I are still working through things. It is hard because at times I feel ok, and at other times I feel like maybe I didn't do enough, or maybe I wasn't kind enough, etc. My family says I am just beating myself up, and that both me and my ex are good people, just not the right people for the both of us. Sigh. I know that it is true, but I just feel down at times.

I worry about being alone, ALOT. I think I am far more of a social/pack person than anyone would realize because I am independent and do so many things by myself. But deep down, I like to be around others, that whole pack/herd mentality I think.

I am going to stick to my budget better next month. I think I just went a bit hog crazy this month---ate out too much, bought home improvement items that I really did need (like a new mop), but never thought I had money for in the budget (oddly, a few day's worth of coffee is equal to the price of a mop...hmmm...), and spending some time with friends. I think most of the money really went to eating out, buying whatever healthy food I wanted and not focusing too much on the impact on my budget, and not keeping track of all of my expenses.

The reality is that while I am making more money, I am not making so much that I don't have to keep track of everytime I go to the grocery store, etc.

I am in a kind of a funky mood right now. I am feeling a bit irritable. Sigh. I am going to work on myself this week, hopefully lose some weight, and keep up with my home improvement projects. When I get what I want accomplished, then I may need like $500 or more to buy a new bed, repaint, and get new curtains or blinds, etc. But, I need to do sooooo much work first before I am even at that point yet.

Thank you all for letting me vent and rant. Your words and thoughts and opinions do help to keep me focused and encouraged.

So, I have been contemplating my life lately---what I want to accomplish, who am I as a person, what do I contribute to the world, who am I meant to be, will I have the life that I want, etc.

I am happy I got my tax return, but about half of it went to bills and repaying my family member. And the other part went to just routine stuff around the house. Sigh. On a positive note, I should be able to save a good chunk from my part-time work, so that will be good for me. I want to be able to increase my savings, since it is pathetically low right now. Really. The part-time work has been helping me to feel comfortable, to be honest. I have been buying the food I want to eat (healthier), stuff I need for my apartment, and just let me bit a lot more comfortable than before. I do recognize that I need to get back on track with sticking with my food budget. I also need to do what mom's around the world have been doing for ages, and write up my freaking weekly menu. Can you believe I have never done that? have had meals in mind for a period of time and have bought food according to what I thought I would need for the week, but I have never actually seriously made a weekly meal plan so that when I shop I can stick to buying only what I plan on making that week. I definitely have a problem with food spoilage, and I need to stop that.

The situation with the ex is the usual. We talk sporadically, I get emotional cause we still aren't really discussing much, and I also end up getting frustrated because he is still having difficulties with his family and it is hard to see him go through that. I do, however, really want us to remain as friends. I do realize that whatever money he owed me he may not be able to repay, and that he may not be able to help me every month as he had wanted to. He has a lot of financial stuff he is dealing with right now, and it makes me sad to see how stressed out he is. Also, he made some comments that made me feel like he sees me as just another stressor in his life. I am going to just focus on me for a while. I think that we both need to work on ourselves in order to be better friends towards each other.

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want and if i will be happy. I admit that I don't feel happy a lot of the time. I am not depressed, as I laugh like tons and my humor is still good---when I have been depressed, I noticed how much I lacked the ability to laugh at things. So now, my laughter and humor is good.

I am worried about money and my future. Because I made stupid financial mistakes, and shopped when I was depressed (nothing ever fancy, but still, shopping is still spending money), I am now a bit broker than I would like to be. I should be saving tons of money right now. sigh. And if I end up alone when i am older, then I will need a lot of savings to do certain things in my life that I always wanted to do. Sigh.

I am working as hard as I can right now, so I can't work much harder than I am. I just need to work on saving money better. I have been eating better and improving my home, so at least I feel my extra money is to good use.

I have been doing more things for myself to feel better. It does cost money (new skincare items that are good for my face), so that is the negative part of it. But I am not being excessive about it.

I am working very hard at self-improvement right now. I am also taking a break from dating. I just don't feel interested in dealing with all of that, ya know?

I am just going to work on saving money, getting myself and my house together, and being happy.

I also have to admit that a lot of my fear about being with a person is my fear of being alone, old, and destitute. I see how older women are treated in my city, and I am so afraid of becoming that way. I feel like people treat older women (especially if they are not as attractive), in a negative and more disposable way. I worry about being viewed that way. I already have people seeing through me at times. I just worry about being alone and not having anyone that could help me if I need it, even if the reality is that usually I am the person who is helping my friends or trying to be the stable one. I need to get my emergency savings back up to the previous amount I had (over $10,000 at one point..sigh). If I had a decent amount of emergency savings, I would feel more comfortable.

So, with tax time comes either bills or refunds, and I fall into both of those categories. I, of course, wish I didn't owe anything, but eh, at least my refund will cover it.

So, I am tempted to go and buy things that I need for myself--such as healthier food and household improvement items, car things, etc. I am trying to hold off on doing that. I do have to repay a family member, and that kind of sucks because she never repaid me any of the money I gave her years ago, but I can't really complain because when she gave me the money, I asked for it in a loan. I think I felt uncomfortable just asking for help without making some sort of repayment agreement. So, a nice part of my refund is going to go back to my family member. She does need it, so I shouldn't feel bad. You know how that goes.

Things with the ex are going ok. Still kind of weird and weepy at times, but ok. Some days I feel great, and other days I feel like someone who has been left...not such a good feeling, ya know? I do feel more strongly about being firmer about the things I want in a relationship. I am going to be more clear about the things I want, and the things that I do not want in a relationship, versus just accepting them because of...well....love?

I have been working tons and tons and at times I feel like I am going to get too worn out. But, part time work is seasonal at times, so I am trying to just earn all that I can. Also, I do admit that there is a bit more freedom the part-time job brings in that when I want something healthy to eat, I don't always have to stress about the cost (though of course I do watch the amount). I do, at times, feel worn out. But I am trying to rectify that with getting to sleep earlier. Also, because I am eating healthier and not getting artificial energy surges from unhealthy sweets or sodas, I sometimes feel super tired in the evening.

I want to do some home improvement things and that costs money, so I am working on how to work it out financially. My home should be my abode and my relaxtion area, and right now, it isn't because of all of the stuff I see that needs to be fixed.

I am stressed a bit and trying to relax as much as possible when I get home. A friend was worried about me, but it was just due to stress and emotions and everything. I feel like I am working harder than I have previously, trying to be the best that I can, trying to work on my health, trying to work on my living situation, and trying to deal with my feelings and some sadness about relationship stuff. I feel like I am a hamster on a wheel at times. But, I do hope that it is all for the best. I feel like I am getting older and I have to really speed up my improvement in so many areas of my life. Sometimes I do get worried about what I want my life to be. Sometimes I feel like it is passing me by. Being alone is also a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I do worry about being alone as an older person, and that is not the kind of life I want. If that does happen, then I would rather immerse myself in helping others. I guess I feel like I am worth something or important if I am of a positive use towards others. If someone else in this world needs me, then I feel like I matter. If not, then what is the whole point of it all?

I know that is a bit deep, I am just rambling at the moment. I also need to express how I feel because, sigh, I am just stressed and getting out my thoughts helps me a lot.

So, I have been thinking a lot about my future. I have been thinking of the things I want to have in my life, the possibility of being a single older woman, all of that. I have been thinking more positively about the possibility of being a single, older mom one day. Hey, it is a step up from how I was feeling previously about just being single and alone.

I am paying down debt, and not going cray with the spending. I was bad the past few days with ordering take out, but, it was food I hadn't enjoyed in a while, and, I didn't go crazy about it (the first order was under $20 bucks and last 2 days, or 4 servings, the 2nd order under $8 bucks). It was so good, I must admit.

I am focusing on buying things that I both need, and that will help me to better create a warm and comfortable environment. I know I need to buy some cleaning supplies so I can continue with my home improvement project.

I have been buying healthier food with the extra money I have earned, and I really like being able to do that. I still have a hard time staying on top of my budget, but I am working on it slowly but surely.

I have also been using a bit of the funds to improve other aspects of appearance. It helps me to feel better about myself, overall, I think. Buying sunscreen and lip moisturizer is a good thing, I think. It makes me feel a bit girly and like I am putting some more effort into me. Family and friends have been telling me to make myself a priority for a while, and now I feel like I really understand what they mean. I always put other people's needs ahead of mine, and I do realize that certain things like my health and my finances and my abode and my appearance may have been negatively affected by those kinds of practices.

I think I will always be extremely kind and caring and loving. It is just who I am inside. I feel like I have a strong need to really love someone and feel like I am worth something or needed. I also realize that I need to treat myself better, and that I can be kind and caring and loving, while also focusing on me as well.