So, with tax time comes either bills or refunds, and I fall into both of those categories. I, of course, wish I didn't owe anything, but eh, at least my refund will cover it.
So, I am tempted to go and buy things that I need for myself--such as healthier food and household improvement items, car things, etc. I am trying to hold off on doing that. I do have to repay a family member, and that kind of sucks because she never repaid me any of the money I gave her years ago, but I can't really complain because when she gave me the money, I asked for it in a loan. I think I felt uncomfortable just asking for help without making some sort of repayment agreement. So, a nice part of my refund is going to go back to my family member. She does need it, so I shouldn't feel bad. You know how that goes.
Things with the ex are going ok. Still kind of weird and weepy at times, but ok. Some days I feel great, and other days I feel like someone who has been left...not such a good feeling, ya know? I do feel more strongly about being firmer about the things I want in a relationship. I am going to be more clear about the things I want, and the things that I do not want in a relationship, versus just accepting them because of...well....love?
I have been working tons and tons and at times I feel like I am going to get too worn out. But, part time work is seasonal at times, so I am trying to just earn all that I can. Also, I do admit that there is a bit more freedom the part-time job brings in that when I want something healthy to eat, I don't always have to stress about the cost (though of course I do watch the amount). I do, at times, feel worn out. But I am trying to rectify that with getting to sleep earlier. Also, because I am eating healthier and not getting artificial energy surges from unhealthy sweets or sodas, I sometimes feel super tired in the evening.
I want to do some home improvement things and that costs money, so I am working on how to work it out financially. My home should be my abode and my relaxtion area, and right now, it isn't because of all of the stuff I see that needs to be fixed.
I am stressed a bit and trying to relax as much as possible when I get home. A friend was worried about me, but it was just due to stress and emotions and everything. I feel like I am working harder than I have previously, trying to be the best that I can, trying to work on my health, trying to work on my living situation, and trying to deal with my feelings and some sadness about relationship stuff. I feel like I am a hamster on a wheel at times. But, I do hope that it is all for the best. I feel like I am getting older and I have to really speed up my improvement in so many areas of my life. Sometimes I do get worried about what I want my life to be. Sometimes I feel like it is passing me by. Being alone is also a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I do worry about being alone as an older person, and that is not the kind of life I want. If that does happen, then I would rather immerse myself in helping others. I guess I feel like I am worth something or important if I am of a positive use towards others. If someone else in this world needs me, then I feel like I matter. If not, then what is the whole point of it all?
I know that is a bit deep, I am just rambling at the moment. I also need to express how I feel because, sigh, I am just stressed and getting out my thoughts helps me a lot.
Checking in---avoiding the lure of the dollar
April 13th, 2010 at 05:33 pm
April 13th, 2010 at 05:57 pm 1271181445
April 13th, 2010 at 06:23 pm 1271182993
I think that the extra money is really what has helped the most, and the fact that I am only caring about myself. Though, there are times when I feel like caring for others is what I need in my life, or at least what I am used to.
April 13th, 2010 at 07:17 pm 1271186225
Don't force yourself to look for a relationship because you are afraid of being alone. You are strong enough to survice by yourself, you have already proven this.
I believe I clung to a miserable relationship with my spouse because I was afraid to be alone. Now I know that alone is only a theory.
While it is wonderful to do things from others, your worth as a human being is not based on being useful to mankind. You have value because you are a unique, intelligent and wonderful person.
On the other hand, doing good for people is great and shows what a neat person you are. Just don't base your worth on it.
Love you special one.
April 13th, 2010 at 07:21 pm 1271186508
I probably do need to work on my ideas of my self-worth. I just am not sure of what the worth of my life is, ya know? I mean, I feel like if I am not beneficial to others, or helping someone--be it family or friends or even strangers, than what good am I? I know this may not be the best way to think, but I feel I just want to have some sort of meaning and purpose in my life.
I am doing better with the alone part. I tried dating a bit, and well, I was not very enthusiastic about it, and I don't feel in any hurry to jump back into that. I am also dealing with accepting that maybe everyone doesn't find the love of their lives. I am trying to think positive in that I will have back-up plans for if my dreams do not happen. I guess I am on that quest of trying to find meaning in my life. Maybe my meaning is really found in the family and friends that I love?
April 13th, 2010 at 08:25 pm 1271190314
A little bit of protein in the afternoon should help - string cheese, nuts, peanut butter, even a bit of tuna from the can (co workers might talk).
Good to hear from you again. It sounds like you are slowly starting to heal. 30 -something isn't that old!
April 13th, 2010 at 08:58 pm 1271192334
As for finding romantic love, I'm probably the worst person to ask on that subject. I thought I was a wife, and turned out to be a maid and a meal ticket. I believe I may find someone perhaps, or perhaps not.
I have decided that finding romantic love is a nice thing, but its not how I'm going to define the success or failure of my life. I'm also not going to define myself by society's standards that make marriage the greatest thing a woman can aspire to. Instead I'm trying to use my freedom to appreciate and enjoy life and to do good things, because I want to make the world better, one little thing at a time. And maybe during this time of hopeful growth, I'll learn how to have a healthy relationship.
I really feel that you are special, and that you already are finding ways to do good things and that you will continue to grow. I just worry that you'll let other people limit and define you. The blossoms of your life are already shining and giving beauty to the world. You are already finding your path.