I have been working on forming better habits. There have been times when it has been easier than others, but I am still trying.

I often feel like I just need to relax and take it easy. I am also finding that because of the part-time job, and the freedom of having a bit more cash and not have to count out every penny, that it is easy for me to overspend. So, I am still trying to focus on my budget and when i spend, realize how that impacts my overall cash availability for that month. I am not going crazy and buying big screen TVs, but rather focusing on buying vitamins and special dietary foods that I like.

Things with my relationship are the same. Still a bit confusing. The ex contacts me routinely to see how I am doing, and I do the same. I think there is a huge amount of care between us, on a very basic and human level--we love each other because we are loving people and we are there for each other. Sigh, if only love and marriage could be built on that. Can it? I find myself ok some days with it, and then tonight, when I was opening a household package that he had brought upstairs for me a long while ago, I got a bit weepy. He is a very good person and I am sad that we just couldn't get it together, ya know? It is weird because he will do these things that makes me feel like he wants to talk, but when I ask him if he does, or try to, then he ends the conversation. Sigh.

As for dating, the idea is not something I am looking forward to--I think I would just focus on how the guys are weird and nothing like my relationship. Maybe, later on, I will feel differently, but right now, while I want to be in love, I am afraid to try and meet anyone. I feel like I have to improve myself a lot more before I put myself back on the market.

I have been focusing a lot of my energy on self-improvement. I realize that even though I am really looking so much better, very few people (my friends mainly), recognize it. I think that other outside issues will have to improve before people start noticing. It is frustrating at times when you know what you can do, and want to do, but people look at you as if you shouldn't even think of trying to accomplish it. I have seen this same group of people do that to other people, and it makes me sad and worried. I don't want to be looked at in that way. So, all I can do is try and be the best, at well, almost every aspect of my looks and my skills. It should be mainly skills, but, eh....

A friend didn't invite me to an event because they thought I may be broke and not have a good time. I found that kind of hurtful. True, I have been broke a lot lately, but not recently, and even if eating out wasn't in my budget, it makes me feel weird to feel that I wasn't asked because of perceptions about my budget. It just made me feel a bit like the poor girl. Sigh. A friend asked me why am I broke when I make a good living. I was honest about my expenses and my bills. I am hopeful that in the next couple of years, I will have paid down a majority of my debt. Yippee!

I am focusing more on a bit of pampering of myself. I think that is a sign of just being stressed and trying to have some form of escapism and bringing joy to my days. I am watching the pampering, as too many perfumed lotions can affect a gal's budget!