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Control

September 22nd, 2009 at 09:55 am

Lately it seems as if things in my life are a bit out of whack and I often feel out of control in certain areas.

Although it probably isn't correct, I do feel like if I had control over certain aspects of my life (my health, my budget, my cleanliness) then that control would transfer to other aspects of my life.

I talked to my bf, and he mentioned he may move out. I am okay with that, because when he moved in it was due to circumstances, and not necessarily that he wanted to play house and take our relationship to the next level. Even though I totally understand the reasoning conceptually, in a way, it does bother me a bit. I wish he would have wanted to live together out of love, rather than necessity. And it isn't like he couldn't have stayed somewhere else, he just preferred staying with me.

I am in a weird situation....my bf is literally giving his family money in order to support them and pay for necessities, so he isn't being cheap, and he hasn't been able to give me what we discussed for this month. I have a bill due next week, and now I am going to have to try and borrow from my savings to pay it. Because of the severity of the problems in his family, they are asking for help from everyone, so every dollar is important, and my asking for a couple hundred is a significant amount.

Next month he may be able to give me money, but I don't know. I am feeling so weird about the whole thing---my bf has asked me to trust him more and ask him for help more, and I want to, but when I start trying to think that certain things will be available, then his budget changes, etc., and it doesn't happen. I don't know if I should be the one to blame because it has been months now and I know he wants to help, it just hasn't happened.

I am already short about $147 bucks for this month for bills (if I had the money my bf was supposed to pay, then I wouldn't be short) and that is not including the additional $150 I was supposed to save to put towards a bill for next month. So now I am not sure what to do. Plus, I may be short an additional $180 or so in my paycheck anyway. Sigh.

I just don't know what to do.....I am going to see if I can borrow from a life insurance policy I have.

I feel comforted when i think of getting control of my health and getting control of my cleanliness....I sort of feel like that would help to keep my stress levels down. This morning, I was super hungry, and really wanted to buy something for breakfast and I had money in my pocket to buy something, but, I didn't do it because of the cost, and also because the food options were not healthy. So I stuck with some fruit and coffee instead.

I want to thank those of you that take the time to read my ramblings. I cannot explain how cathartic a process this is for me...it is hard to talk about money with friends because everyone is going through the same thing. I know my blog is not always about money, but there is usually a money component thrown in, and I thank those of you that read my blog and take the time to leave your perspectives.


7 Responses to “Control”

  1. miz pat Says:

    I like reading your thoughts, and I'm glad to hear what is up with you. While I do not know what the complete situation with your boyfriend is, it sounds like he made financial promises that he can't keep because of his family.

    My first thought is that while his family is having problems, you shouldn't depend on him financially, and my second is that I hope you are not paying for things for him, if he's not keeping his promises. If you are buying food, etc., then tell him that you expect him to take care of that for himself since you are now in a bind.

    Then regroup your finances.

    Finances and boyfriends don't mix. Also, I should warn you that I am a bit prejudiced, because I'm freshly divorced after 33 years of marriage.

    Take care dear.

  2. thebestmeicanbe Says:

    Thank you so much, Miz pat.

    Yes, I have been providing food for my bf, and yeah, I know I probably shouldn't because he hasn't been contributing what he said he would to food. Sigh.

    The family situation is pretty severe, so I feel like I should help, and I know I shouldn't depend on people for help...I think that my budget would be a bit better in check if it were not for the extra expenses that occur with an additional person in the household.

    I hope that things work out with us. I love him a lot and I know he loves me.

  3. Carol Says:

    Two thoughts:

    1st: You said "The family situation is pretty severe, so I feel like I should help" - but if your helping them puts you in a bind, then you shouldn't help financially. If you can be supportive in other ways, then you should do that (like if they need blankets or clothes that you can lend them).

    2nd: If your bf wasn't living with you, where would he be living? If he can't give you any $$, he wouldn't be able to give $$ to anyone else. Are you making it "okay" for him to not give you money to live there? Even though you love him, he needs to pay his own way no matter what the financial situation his family is in right now. If he lived under any other roof, he'd be expected to pay, or he'd be evicted.

    I don't know what his family situation is, but you referred to it as "severe." If you keep supporting your BF and have a short fall each month on bills, your situation could also become severe. This time you have your savings to borrow from...but what happens next month? I know love is blind (I would do anything for my hubby) but you also have to watch out for number one (which is you!).

  4. miz pat Says:

    What Carol said.

    Maybe its a good time to have a talk about the impact on your finances with your boyfriend. Explain that your budget is impacted, and you know you are helping him by letting him live with you, and that you have helped as much as you can, but you are suffering financially.

    Ask him what he suggests be done. If he has good ideas, great. But I know in my case I would tell him that he has to buy his own food, because, hey - food is a big expense.

    cringe at the thought of advise in another person's love life, but this is impacting financial so bravely goes forward.

    It may be that he's so worried about his family, that he's not thinking about how that impacts you. So a talk may iron things out.

    Take care.

  5. thebestmeicanbe Says:

    Thank you, Miz Pat.

    It is a very weird situation. My bf constantly tells me I don't have to buy food or cook and whatnot, and he wants the money he gives me to go towards what I need. (He is very sweet).

    The problem is that it is like he doesn't know how much food costs, or does things so that he comes home and he is hungry, and he doesn't have enough money to buy food to eat out. So, it is cheaper if he gives me money to cook food....and that is where there is a disconnect....I could not buy any extra food, and I would probably go hungry because he would end up eating my left overs, etc.

    I also want him and I to be healthy, so I refuse to buy the super, super cheap 1 dollar frozen dinners and whatnot for him to eat.

    In some ways, I really wonder if my being so nice, and so supportive has made him feel bad about how is or is not able to help me, and I wonder if that has contributed to the issues we have in our relationship?

  6. John DeFlumeri Jr Says:

    Those are not deep financial troubles. You can work out of it and get the control you want. Take a brisk long walk every day to get lots of oxygen to your brain, it works, you'll see!

    Keep in touch, OK see you at my blog too.

    John DeFlumeri Jr

  7. Broken Arrow Says:

    Hauntingly revealing.

    I agree to take care of yourself before taking care of others. You won't be any good for anyone if you are not well.

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