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Archive for February, 2010

My soul is crying

February 25th, 2010 at 09:21 am

I really like the title of this blog, so I opted to go with it, even though my entry is not as morose as the title may suggest. I just like the deepness of the words, ya know?

So, things on the money front have been soooo much better since I have the part-time job. Also, my ex gave me money for this month and he also paid a bill for me---the bill was his responsibility, but I figured that I would pay it from the money he gave me, since he isn't eating any of the food, and that is what the money really is for.

I have never had someone in my life, romantically, who really paid for things for me. Every guy I dated, I ended up paying more. And while this is also true of my most recent ex, he still has contributed more towards helping me than any other person, and I am so grateful for that.

Sometimes I feel bad because I think he is giving me money only because I gave him money and helped him for so long. I worry that he feels obligated. I worry that once he finds someone else, he will stop helping me. Sigh. Of course, I am an independent person and can take care of myself, and I am not asking him for handouts. I do very much appreciate his help. I think part of the problem in our relationship was that I did not let him help me, even when I needed it, mainly because I felt he had enough stuff to deal with. Now, I realize that as a man, that may have made him feel bad that I was trying to take care of everything. Yeah, I think we had some problems and really needed better understanding between us.

I want to give money to my relative who has helped me so much. So, I am going to be late paying a bill. I feel bad about that, but I don't want to have to wait longer to give her money. I could still pay my bill (and I am contemplating that), but it would mean that I may not be able to give her as much as I would like to. As the bill will only be 1 day late, I will not have a late fee or a mark on my credit report. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions. I have only been late on this bill 1 other time---and that was last year.

I feel a lot more relaxed with the part-time job, even though it means I am working 6 days a week. I feel more comfy that I am able to go out with friends and have a drink, or just be able to go places with friends and not feel like a miser or a pauper. Are those two the same? Anyway, I just feel more relaxed. I also like that I can buy the healthy food that I need. Although, I can recently admit that if I eat the way I have been eating lately, with a strong emphasis on certain healthy foods, then I am actually not spending as much when my diet is more varied.

I am still dealing with feeling like certain people do not value me or my abilities. I have been focusing more on improving myself on all levels, from efficiency to appearance, etc. I realize that for some, the appearance aspect is what they notice most.

I want to thank all of you who have been so kind and accepting and caring towards me. It really means a lot to me.

Money, food, and relaxation

February 21st, 2010 at 11:07 pm

So, I have been earning some money doing part-time work, and that has been making things soooo much less stressful, as far as finances go. I am also able to buy the type of food that may be better for me health wise. I also like the fact that I can go to an occasional event with a friend, and not only have to order water.

I am hoping to use my part-time money to pay for just regular monthly stuff like extra food, household and car necessities, etc. My bf gave me money this month, even though he now lives with his friend and has a roommate. I am not sure if he is going to continue to do this, although it did help a lot. He wants to help me more and to ask him for help, but that is hard for me to do at times. I always worry if he may need it more than I do, or what he is going through. Things are different between us now, so things are less marriage minded, and more friendship minded because he is dealing with a lot of things with his family, and needs to put more of a focus on that, than on the whole relationship aspect. I am sad about that, but think that maybe he will be happier if he focuses on that, and maybe it will help me to focus more on the things I need to accomplish for myself as well.

I am very happy that with the extra money for food and just feeding myself, I am able to just eat the sometimes weird, but healthier food that I like. I can make a lot of the food I like that others may get tired of. I am also able to give money to my family who has been helping me and I am happy about that.

How you view yourself is key

February 10th, 2010 at 08:00 pm

So, I had a recent situation where a person really tried to make me feel unaccomplished. Mind you, I am the first in my family to go to college, my family is proud of that, and all things considering, I have turned out a lot better than some people, looking back all those years, may have possibly assumed from my upbringing.

But, this person, who I don't really know outside of certain situations, made a really serious attempt to treat me as inferior because I did not have the degree that they have. And you know what? I did end up feeling bad and unaccomplished and insecure. I ended up feeling bad about myself and upset at the person for making me feel that way. I realize that they just brought back previous negative interactions we had had where they had put me in a place of having limited information and where I had to constantly ask them for help (even though I should have been able to ask someone else who was more of the correct person to talk to), and it made me feel inferior. I also realized that I allowed them to make me feel this way.

I realized from this experience that I have so much to be thankful for, and while I am not the most accomplished person, I am doing good in my life and each person has their own successes at their own pace. I realized that I shouldn't have let that person ruffle my feathers and I also realize that if I had not felt inferior, I would have been more open, and would have discussed certain things (advanced degrees cost money). But because they spoke in a way and were open about having a lot of cash, I did not feel comfortable disclosing more about how I felt or my thoughts about it.

My budget is going ok. I have been bad in that I have been eating out more and I need to slow down on that. Tonight I am making my breakfast and lunch for work.

I worry a lot about my bf. He is really stressed and seems very sad about his family situation. I feel bad because at times he felt I was critical (I thought I was being helpful), and so he doesn't feel very comfortable necessarily opening up and talking to me about the family situation. He tells me it is hard to talk about. I also feel bad because it really is a hard situation, and his family has to work it out, but he is the one that is being hurt by it emotionally, ya know? I feel so bad because I don't know how to help or how to fix it, and I don't know how to cheer him up. He spent time with me recently, but we have been spending a lot less time together. He says he hasn't been much in the mood for any kind of celebration type activities, and I am not sure that he could get any time off to relax if he asked as he is really busy at work.

I have been trying to keep focused on not being stressed and also trying to eat somewhat healthy. I have plenty of food in my fridge and am not so stressed about food and that feels good. Smile Of course, I realize that my stresses about food probably sound very elitist at times. I have never gone hungry, and really, maybe only had less healthy food options, but I have been blessed to always have enough to eat. I realize that I am very fortunate.

With my budget, I realize that I really need to work on it more. I realize that the stress from some family issues and my bf and feeling insecure, just made me want to over eat or buy silly stuff that isn't really needed or important. I also realized that I had set some money aside, and had somehow forgotten about it. I can't tell you when I set this money aside (not this month), so I am wondering how bad my budgeting was that I was short, but didn't automatically remember about the money I had set aside. Sigh. I am going to do better about that and get my budgeting better under control.

thank you everybody for listening to the little random thoughts that are my life thus far. Smile I do realize that we are constantly learning beings. Smile