So, my bf and I had a huge argument that was basically over money, but of course, there were deeper issues involved---our relationship, contributions to the household, etc.

I said some things that I think were hurtful. Some of them were truthful--as running a household takes equal input from both people, and at times, I needed more help than I think I realized. And, because of my bf's responsibilities to his family, I often felt last on his list of priorities.

My bf is not the type to argue, so our arguments really stress him, and he does not easily forget them. Also, I think our arguments are making him like me less and less. I feel so bad because I feel like maybe I haven't been as understanding as I should have, and then another part of me realizes that maybe I have been understanding, but it is hard for my bf to contribute because of the stress and things he is going through outside of our relationship.

I am sad because I think he may want to break up. Part of me thinks he deserves someone who doesn't argue as much, and is more in line with his personality. Part of me feels like he is the kindest person I have ever loved, and he has helped me more than anyone I have ever loved (family excluded). He has helped me more than my friends, etc.

It is weird because we have this really deep love for each other. At least, it feels that way to me. I feel like we love each other so much, but maybe are not compatible on some levels. In my heart, I want him to be happy, and I wonder if I am able to be that person.

We talked about things and he wants to contribute more, even if we are not living together. I told him that he doesn't have to, but he said he wants to. I feel like he really wants the best for me, and isn't that what is really important? More than if we share the same love of music or hobbies?

For 2010 I want to be better with my budget. I want to improve and take better care of the things I have (like my apartment), and I want to place a stronger emphasis on being healthy and happy.

I wish those of you who have taken the time to read my thoughts to have a healthy, happy, and safe New Year.

So, tonight I am a bit contemplative and thinking about where I am in my life right now, and how I would like things to be in the New Year. I think many of us can say that 2009 has been a very difficult year. It hasn't been the most difficult year of my life, Thank God, but it has been a bit uncomfortable.

I realize that I squandered a lot of my money on silly things like coffee, fast food, clothes I maybe wore only a few times (who else has bought clothes because they didn't wash clothes and needed something to wear immediately?), etc., etc., etc. I am blessed to say that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a good job, and food in my refrigerator. I realize that much of my stress and anxiety is really due to poor choices that I have made.

I am going to take the time off around the holidays to really work on myself. My goal was to eat a certain way, primarily more healthy, but because of budget and money issues, and my desire to have something in my checking account, I may not be able to do that. Right now I am just trying to focus on having enough food to last until the New Year. I did buy my favorite food and drink (cider!) to have on the New Year as tradition.

I have also talked with my boyfriend about needing his help more. I think next year will be better because I am paying off more debt, and that is making any pay cuts less difficult. I told him that I will need him to help more, and that I know he is stressed with his family obligations, and that I don't want to stress him, but there are times when I could really use the help. I can't tell you how often I am using my calculator to determine how much I can spend on what---it is like I am constantly recounting things, trying to make all the numbers crunch just right.

I know it may sound sexist, but I think that it may help our relationship if I depend on my bf more. I think that my not asking him for help sometimes bothers him. This morning I made breakfast, and I think he was worried that I wasn't going to eat---most of the time I do not. But I am not starving by any means.

I feel bad about not giving much of anything to charity this year. Usually I give some type of food. This year, I just didn't plan right, and so I don't have money for it, right now. I feel bad about that, and it hurts my heart when I see people on the street, as that is one of my biggest fears.

As a woman, I really worry about being alone and all of that. I see so many homeless women, whose bodies have been changed by lack of food, medical care, etc., and it makes me sad and scares me as well. I know I come from strong stock, so to speak (we are sturdy women, I feel), but I worry about being alone, and I worry about debt and all of that. Sometimes I feel that if you aren't the most attractive women, life is a bit harder. I know, I know, people are getting upset right now, and I don't mean to uspet you. I am just speaking what I feel, ya know? Its not that I don't think I am attractive, because I do think I have nice features, but I am just not sure if those features are what someone would like to marry. I think my bf wants to get married one day, but I am not sure that he is thinking of me as the one. Things have been difficult for him lately, and it has really affected our relationship.

I am just speaking my thoughts right now, and I am not blue or anything, just being honest about those things that race through our minds from time to time, ya know?

I want to manage my buget better in 2010. I want to not have to feel so uncomfortable all of the time, and feel like I am a pauper when I make a good living. I want to pay off more debt and free up some of the money I work hard for so that I can put it towards savings and improving myself.

I will make a list of things I want to accomplish. One thing I would really like to do is to be able to redecorate and rejuvenate my apartment. I want to make it more cozy and comfortable. Right now I think I just have more stuff than space, and that makes things not as relaxing or inviting as I would like.

I have been feeling kind of odd lately. Hard to explain. I recently saw a friend I had from grade school, and they seem to be doing great! They have a nice house, a married with kids, etc., and generally look very happy. And this made me feel kind of odd and sad. I am not sad because they are happy, I am sad because I always thought that they were kind of perfect (of course, no one is perfect), or appeared to have this ideal life. And now, decades later, I see that they do appear to be having the life I imagined they would.

And, when I compare my life with theirs, I realize that I have accomplished some good things in my life, and that, considering where I come from, I didn't turn out too bad, ya know? I think my parents would be proud of me. I think. But, as far as how I feel about myself inside, I am upset that I have debt and that is somewhat impeding the ability to start a family or buy a home for my future family, and I am upset that my budget isn't so great, and I am upset that my weight has just skyrocketed and gotten totally out of control. Sigh.

I also feel a bit odd because I love my bf, and I think he loves me, too. I am not sure if he really wants to marry me, though, ya know? Partly, I feel like we love each other, but I am not sure if marriage is right for us. The budget issue is one problem in our relationship, and I would like things to be different before I consider getting married. I would like us to be able to be really good about managing our budgets and being able to talk about it, without it always being stressful. We are getting better at it, though.

I think my bf would be a good dad, when he decides that he wants to be one. I think he would like to be one, but he might want to see the world a bit more before settling down, ya know? I also worry about how we would be able to merge our budgeting issues and focus on bills better, etc. We have a lot of work to do in that regard as right now, I feel like his focus is to pay his family's bills, which is understandable, but, in the same regard, I want to be able to feel like my needs matter as well. He does help me, there are just times when I feel like I am not one of his priorities, ya know? Whereas I do feel that taking care of the home and providing food is a priority for me.

So, I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else. I think that I am just a bit blue because I am afraid of being a lonely old miser. I know, I know, I still have time, it is just that as I am meeting more and more people who already have kid(s) and are having their 2nd and 3rd child, it makes me worried. Then, add to the fact that sometimes my bf makes jokes that he doesn't want any, well, it only heightens my anxiety and sadness.

I am going to take the holidays to work on myself a bit. I think I will be a better mom if I take care of myself the way I should.

So, this week has been a slightly okay and slightly weird one. My budget issues had a wrench situation because of the whole credit card annual fee.

I find myself having cravings for my favorite food, my favorite items, and my favorite experiences. They feel a lot like a quiet yearning, a form of escapism in some ways, ya know?

I also find myself thinking about the future I want, and hoping that I am able to live the life that I really want. I want to be married, and own my own home, and have children and the minivan and all of that. Right now, because times are tough, I am really worried about being able to achieve those wants. Sometimes, I find that I get sad when I see some who may not have worked as hard, or who didn't have this huge desire for a normal life, just have it and don't think twice about it, ya know?

I am looking forward to the New Year and hoping that it will be better than this year. I am optimistic because my budget will not be as tight as it is now, and I will have another large bill paid off in 2010. Woo hoo!!

Sigh, the old cc companies that I am paying off every month are really trying to just make my Christmas bah humbug.

I have 3 credit card/loans with a specific bank that is supposed to be for our country, and they have lowered the available credit on all of the accounts. Sigh. I wouldn't mind because I wasn't using that available credit anyway (not at the ridiculous default 24%+ rate they wanted to give me, even though i have not missed a payment or done any default type activities), but I am upset because their actions have already reduced my credit scores. Sigh. In some cases, my score went down 14 points!

Secondly, the credit card that I do like, has an annual memebership fee. I did not know they would assess that fee this month, and by doing so, they reduced my available credit. So, the available credit I had I was going to use to buy a couple of gifts for Christmas (paying it back of course in January as my budget will not be as tight), and well, now I can't do that.

Now, I have a tradition of giving certain gifts, and I am wondering what to do now. I am somewhat okay with food, though I do see that we will need some basics like water, eggs, etc. My bf has been so stressed about money and bills for his family lately that he has been sort of snappy and tense, and he has been buying things for the house, and will have given me $40 more this month than our agreement, so I feel weird about asking hime for more, ya know? Even though I have helped him out a lot. Sigh.

I feel like since I have helped my bf out for many months and floated him when he had no job, that my asking for additional help during the past few months should be okay. The only problem is that because of his family's issues, he is funneling a large portion of his budget to assist with their bills. I have spoken about it, but, he cannot be disuaded from doing so at this time. And really, I can't tell someone how to spend their money, ya know? If he could give me an additional $40 instead of the $20 I requested earlier, I would be a lot less stressed, plus, I would be able to get food for the both of us for Christmas.

I just don't want to be upset if he declines to help me. I do think that it may be upsetting because he has already not done certain things he said he would do (like our trip), because he has been paying the debts of his family (though I don't really always agree with that).

So, I can say happily that this month has NOT been as stressful as previous months. Primarily because a relative helped me out with some much needed cash for some things I really needed, AND, the Big Guy was watching over me and I was able to buy some needed things much cheaper than previously planned.

My goal for this month is to have money in my checking and saving account when the New Year commences. Sounds weird, but, lately, I have been having less than a few dollars at the end of every month before my new paycheck comes. So, for me, it will be something special to have money I am not going to touch, until the new year.

Some friends did let me down a bit when it comes to a special event I had planned (most did not attend), and there was another event that involved food and money, and I felt really weird because I could only order the cheapest items on the menu, and my friends feasted on food that is very upscale and I really didn't understand why (the event wasn't in their honor). This made it more upsetting when they were not supportive of my event. But, the reality is that I cannot be upset at them, only upset at myself for not being better with my budget when I was more flush with cash.

There are still 2 weeks before the New Year, but I think I have enough food to last until then. My body has been very angry at me for eating foods that are cheap, but not what it really wants or needs. So, I will make it my new perogative to give my body the foods it really wants and that makes it the happiest, from a healthwise perspective.

I feel odd at times asking my family for help, and I talked to my relative about it. It really all comes from a place of feeling as if my family did not accept me, and to ask for help would be to reinforce whatever negative images they had of me. Of course, this is all just things I thought of, and not necessarily what my family felt AT all. In fact, my family said that at times they felt that they didn't have the right to be called my family. What a trip!?!? I do feel like there are some really big issues that we have to work on from the past, but I am feeling pretty good about it overall.

So, I am feeling pretty good today. Though my bf and I have big appetites, I am confident that the food I bought on the 1st, should last us all the way until the 11th, if not a bit longer. The only thing I may need to buy is seasoning. I am still debating on that one.

I am having a lazy day and just thinking about what I want to do for my staycation. Something cheap is in mind, but also fun. With Christmas coming up, I am already trying to figure out money in my budget to buy presents for loved ones. Sigh.

I had a good talk with my bf as I was a bit blue yesterday. I told him that I am making more money than I did a few years ago, and I am happy for that. I am a bit upset because I have less available credit than a few years ago, which makes it feel like my budget is tighter than years ago, and my cc companies have been dropping my credit limit as I pay it off---which is upsetting because that messes up my credit score, and I have always paid my bills on time.

I am thinking of ways that I want to improve my life, myself, and how I deal with my budget and finances. I will be happy when I have paid off my debt, and can seriously start putting money towards my savings.

So, my bf and I have decided to not do the vacation thing. I am a bit disappointed in that, as it just reminds me of where I was a few years ago, and where I am now. So, I am a bit bummed. Though, I am making more money now than a few years ago, and I am more than happy about that aspect.

I have been thinking a lot about my life, and what I want to do in it, and what I want to accomplish.

I did good so far this month, in that I bought enough food to last me and my bf until next friday or so---maybe longer. I really want to avoid going to the grocery store as much as possible, because I think that though I don't buy frivalous things, it still results in my overspending on food.

I have been writing down my purchases, and really watching what I buy and making lunch out of odds and ends. I do want to stop that aspect, as those odds and ends aren't really the most healthy for me.