So, tonight I am a bit contemplative and thinking about where I am in my life right now, and how I would like things to be in the New Year. I think many of us can say that 2009 has been a very difficult year. It hasn't been the most difficult year of my life, Thank God, but it has been a bit uncomfortable.

I realize that I squandered a lot of my money on silly things like coffee, fast food, clothes I maybe wore only a few times (who else has bought clothes because they didn't wash clothes and needed something to wear immediately?), etc., etc., etc. I am blessed to say that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a good job, and food in my refrigerator. I realize that much of my stress and anxiety is really due to poor choices that I have made.

I am going to take the time off around the holidays to really work on myself. My goal was to eat a certain way, primarily more healthy, but because of budget and money issues, and my desire to have something in my checking account, I may not be able to do that. Right now I am just trying to focus on having enough food to last until the New Year. I did buy my favorite food and drink (cider!) to have on the New Year as tradition.

I have also talked with my boyfriend about needing his help more. I think next year will be better because I am paying off more debt, and that is making any pay cuts less difficult. I told him that I will need him to help more, and that I know he is stressed with his family obligations, and that I don't want to stress him, but there are times when I could really use the help. I can't tell you how often I am using my calculator to determine how much I can spend on what---it is like I am constantly recounting things, trying to make all the numbers crunch just right.

I know it may sound sexist, but I think that it may help our relationship if I depend on my bf more. I think that my not asking him for help sometimes bothers him. This morning I made breakfast, and I think he was worried that I wasn't going to eat---most of the time I do not. But I am not starving by any means.

I feel bad about not giving much of anything to charity this year. Usually I give some type of food. This year, I just didn't plan right, and so I don't have money for it, right now. I feel bad about that, and it hurts my heart when I see people on the street, as that is one of my biggest fears.

As a woman, I really worry about being alone and all of that. I see so many homeless women, whose bodies have been changed by lack of food, medical care, etc., and it makes me sad and scares me as well. I know I come from strong stock, so to speak (we are sturdy women, I feel), but I worry about being alone, and I worry about debt and all of that. Sometimes I feel that if you aren't the most attractive women, life is a bit harder. I know, I know, people are getting upset right now, and I don't mean to uspet you. I am just speaking what I feel, ya know? Its not that I don't think I am attractive, because I do think I have nice features, but I am just not sure if those features are what someone would like to marry. I think my bf wants to get married one day, but I am not sure that he is thinking of me as the one. Things have been difficult for him lately, and it has really affected our relationship.

I am just speaking my thoughts right now, and I am not blue or anything, just being honest about those things that race through our minds from time to time, ya know?

I want to manage my buget better in 2010. I want to not have to feel so uncomfortable all of the time, and feel like I am a pauper when I make a good living. I want to pay off more debt and free up some of the money I work hard for so that I can put it towards savings and improving myself.

I will make a list of things I want to accomplish. One thing I would really like to do is to be able to redecorate and rejuvenate my apartment. I want to make it more cozy and comfortable. Right now I think I just have more stuff than space, and that makes things not as relaxing or inviting as I would like.