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Archive for June, 2010


June 24th, 2010 at 03:36 pm

So, I have been really trying to work on the increased performance and more work so I can achieve potentially a higher income, etc.

I feel afraid, honestly, because of 1) the economy and 2) that people's judgements of me may impact how far I can succeed.

I know of a situation where there is a person over me who has said things to me, that suggest that they don't think I am really able to do much, or they don't think I have the appropriate skill set. It is hard because I do know more in some areas than this person, and vice versa. What worries me that a lot of this judgement really is personal, and not based upon my actual abilities, but rather their views of me, based upon internal biases. It is hard because I really am trying to do my best, but there are people over me who see me only in a certain and incorrect way, and that is so frustrating. In this economy, and with my skills, and with my emergency savings being the way it is, I really am not sure I can find something better.

I will just keep on focusing on doing the best I can. I will be so very happy when I pay off a huge bill this year and that frees up a bit more money in my budget that I can use towards paying down other debt, or increasing my emergency savings.

I am just struggling with trying to keep my head up through these types of things. It is hard when you know you can do certain things, but others treat you as if you cannot. Frown

Is Being Rich the Finish Line?

June 24th, 2010 at 03:15 am

Where I live, I am surround, literally, by people who make a lot more money than I do. I am surrounded by shops that I wouldn't dream of shopping in because of their prices, and shops that I would love to shop in, if I could, but can't, because the prices are so prohibitive.

I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with money and being happy. I have been super more relaxed and happy when I had a decent amount of emergency savings. I felt more at a place where I can afford to dream about what I want in my life and what I want to accomplish, when I had more saved.

Now, I find myself growing anxious at times. I know that the finish line for paying off debt will only be maybe 2 more years, but I feel anxious nonetheless. I think about the things I want to do----fleeting away to a different city on a very much needed vacation (something I haven't been able to do because of lack of money) and just feeling carefree as I stroll down the sidewalks---to the extreme worry about having a family. If I don't get married or find a partner, then, how can I afford going to a doctor for family planning? If I don't have a good amount of savings, how can I be a single mom? Of course, I know you can make a family without a lot of money, but I don't want to make things harder for my kids, either. I know, the last thought is probably just my worries spiraling out of control, but I am just telling it like it is.

I do realize that growing up not having things makes me feel like I have this desperate feeling a lot of the time. If I don't have money in the bank, I feel weird. Anxious. Uncomfortable. I have been through much worse financial times than this, I just think that maybe I am really upset for being my age and going through this. Like, I should be more responsible with my spending. At times, it is hard me to hear others talk about not having money when they have money in their budget, every month, for things like clothes, etc. Or when they are buying big ticket electronic items for their house (not apartment). So, at times it is hard for me to relate to. Though, I know it is all my issue and not theirs. If I had more excess money after my bills, I might do the same thing.

I wonder, is being rich the finish line? Is it okay to reach a certain income and not earn more? I feel like I am ok with just being comfy---if I could have my emergency savings back, be able to buy coffee drinks when I want, be able to afford routine vacations, then I would be happy, I think.

This month I went crazy a bit on toiletries and spent like 35 bucks on them. I didn't really need them, and could have gone without. And I could have saved that 35 bucks for something else, and I would feel far more comfortable right now if I had it back. Sigh. I think when I am feeling blue, that is the hardest time for me to fight an impulse buy, though to be honest, I can walk through a store for hours and not feel bad about walking out without buying anything. I do agree that less is more at times. But I am not sure that is true when it comes to money. Wink

Is the want of money the root of all evil?

June 23rd, 2010 at 06:54 pm

As I am sitting here and counting how much available credit I have on my cc cards, cash in my checking account, and the days left until pay day, I do wonder if the want of money is the root of all evil.

I do feel upset, tense, frustrated, and just upset at myself for not making better money choices---for not being more frugal when buying food or impulsive buys, for being in a situation where I at first wanted to set aside some money from my part-time check to put towards savings, towards now wondering if I have enough just to get through until pay day.

Pretty upset at myself about it, and yes, the want of money is problematic. Now I feel like I didn't budget as good as I should have, and when I want to buy a food item that is healthy or just tastes good, I may not be able to. So, then there is that whole deprived feeling. Ugh. Frown This is a common pattern and I wonder what happened to me in regards to my money. I used to be so much better, fiscally, and I would save as much as possible. Could it be just that my overhead was lower? Could it be I used my cc's for so long that they became a part of my income? Sigh. Frown Having bad thoughts of withdrawing money from my retirement account just so I can have money in the bank if I ever need it. I know I shouldn't do that because of the penalties. I also know that I will pay off a huge bill soon, and that will give me over $100 more to use in my budget. I just have to be patient. It still is a bit tiring at times.

Not so good with my money

June 21st, 2010 at 04:22 pm

So, I have been working a lot lately, and while I was able to take care of about $500 in maintenance related stuff, mainly due to my having the part-time job, I have NOT been good about saving money, or even keeping up with my bills.

I think that I have been a bit depressed, to be honest. I feel like I have been stressed in some regards, and just focusing on how good it feels to be able to buy what I want to eat (within reason), without feeling like I am always confined and can only eat specific items.

So, I am upset at myself for not saving better, and for not paying down my cc's better, etc. Although, I am happy, that my overall monthly expenses are going down, and that if I were to really stick to my budget, I wouldn't necessarily need the 2nd job, which is a good thing. The issue moreso is that I need the 2nd job for assistance with maintenance issues, etc.

I did receive a nice refund, and most of it went to pay back previous debt, so I wasn't left with a lot leftover. Sigh.

I realize that I do tend to shop when i am sad or feeling bad about myself. I know that isn't a good thing. I also know that investing more money into my food has led me to eating much healthier and dropping some pounds, so I am very happy at least about that.

I will focus on watching my spending more this month and in July. I need to avoid impulse purchases and focus only on things that I need, or creature comforts like a warm coffee and a pastry for a rare treat.