Home > Archive: August, 2009

Archive for August, 2009

Feeling Grumpy---but sticking to budget!

August 31st, 2009 at 03:34 pm

So, I eagerly checked my bank account this morning hoping that for some reason my paycheck would have been deposited a day earlier than normal. No such luck. Oh well. I at least have food for breakfast (it may hold me over for lunch as well), and I was able to gather enough change to buy a nice strong cup of coffee.

I am feeling irritable this morning. Not sure why. It could be stress. It could be economic concerns. It could be those dreaded hormones. Not sure. But I am feeling a bit like a grumpy person who really just wants to curl up on her bead with a nice cool drink, a good book, and some good shows on cable. Sigh.

Dreaming of frugal pleasures.....

August 31st, 2009 at 01:37 am

As payday looms near, I have begun to fantasize (in a way), about the things I can't wait to buy. I call them frugal pleasures, as they aren't super cheap, but they will put a smile on my face. I also figured it would be helpful to write out the list now, as a way of avoiding diverting from the list when I feel like overspending.

Here goes (feel free to add your thoughts if you agree or disagree with some of my purchases):

Food stuffs:

peanut butter
organic sugar free jelly
black beans
kidney beans
pasta sauce
pasta for bf
bread for bf for sandwiches
sandwich meat for bf

Forgot to add:

Olive oil
fresh fruits
some kind of frozen snack when I don't feel like cooking for my bf to eat

How does this list sound?

Sorting things out

August 30th, 2009 at 07:57 pm

So this week has been super duper stressful. Not as stressful as the previous week, but stressful nonetheless.

I had a talk w/ my bf, and did say that if he intends on spending more nights at my place, then he has to contribute the full amount that we agreed to. He said ok, but he also said he didn't want to discuss it. Sigh. It is very hard talking to him about budgeting. He usually only wants to talk about it the day after he is paid, whereas I am making out my budget 2 months in advance, and checking and rechecking it again and again and again. I still end up overspending, but again, it is primarily on food.

I don't feel that he is being cheap or not paying me intentionally, I just think the reality is that he isn't making enough to cover everything that he has to take care of in his life right now. I know that he gives me a lot, and he gives me more than people I dated who made 3x what he earns. I feel bad that he is having a hard time. I also let him know that his contribution is solely to cover the expense of food (Again, food is freaking expensive! And he AND I have really big appetites, so, frozen tv dinners are 1) not going to fill us up and 2) super processed and not a great option anyway.

The whole celebrity pregnancy thing is beginning to irk me a bit. I want to be a mom, but both health-wise, financial-wise, and relationship-wise, I am not ready. My close friend (whom I don't talk to very often, and i usually end up initiating contact), made a comment that I need to hurry up and start if I want to be a mom. She and her husband are my friends, and they have ALOT of family support, and are making things work for their family. I wish that my friend would initiate more contact with me, but that is another topic....

Back to celebrity pregnancy....I am irked that Kendra Wilkinson is super duper pregnant and married to what appears to be a really level-headed and great guy. She seems to have the brains of a....well, she really doesn't seem to have any brains. I know that is catty, and I am sorry, but when I keep hearing about how she is having to adjust to life outside of the Playboy mansion (not working then, either), and throwing her clothes out of her dresser onto the floor in order to "see them", and then just leaving them on the floor, it gets a bit depressing. She seems to be living a very comfortable life, and I am just not sure what hardwork she did to get it, ya know?

Then Kourtney Khardashian (who I used to actually like and who actually works), gets pregnant, and makes all these public comments about how she got pregnant by accident. Sigh.

I know that life doesn't always make sense, and realizing that life isn't always equal, has helped me to just accept things and get through a lot of tough times in my life. I never questioned the death of my parents at a young age, I never questioned why my family was homeless, or any other of my life experiences. I do admit that lately, I am feeling a bit downtrodden because, I really just want the simple life, ya know? I just want to have a modest, married life, with children and stability. It seems so easy for some people.

I am really going to try and do the vegetarian thing when I get my paycheck. I am thinking of all of the food I will be able to buy when I get paid. I went to get a few necessities this morning (water, cat food, fruit) and I really felt a bit....stifled?...when I passed by Trader Joe's. All I wanted to do was go in there, buy a dozen eggs and some raw spinach and yet, I knew that I only had like 12 bucks remaining credit on my credit card, so, I didn't go in. They weren't open at that time (opening in a few minutes), so that really helped me to avoid the urge as well.

I have been lately dreaming of going on a mini-shopping spree---to me that would consist of body spray ($10), pens ($6), coffee drink ($3), tea ($4), and lots of walking around a mall. I dream of going to IKEA (it gives me inspiration about redecorating my apartment), and just walking aimlessly down the aisles...transporting myself to some envisioned idea of what Sweden and the Netherlands look like (is IKEA from Sweden or the Netherlands? Or am I totally thinking of the wrong countries?).
I haven't gone on a real vacation since 2007, and it is definitely calling out to me. I have taken days off to help my bf, etc., but, haven't done my typical vacation where I have no schedule to adhere to, etc.

thank you all for letting me vent. I know that despite my grumblings and complaints, I am very blessed. I am just a bit stressed and irritated right now and I am hoping I can relax today and recharge my energy.

Having the Grrrrrrssssss

August 28th, 2009 at 04:49 pm

That is my way of saying that I am feeling a tad bit on the irritable side today.


The weather is warm, and I am just not feeling like sweating like a stuck pig on the way home.

I was doing some reading online yesterday, and I want to give up wheat and dairy for a week and see how my body deals with it. Yeah, but that part costs I am going to think about how I am going to manage it.

I really need to do some journaling because I am just feeling tired and irritable and sad. I just want to spend this weekend cleaning, relaxing, and catching up on reading all of the books I checked out of the library...I don't take enough time for reading like I used to.

I also realize that I need to take better care of myself in terms of sleeping. I get maybe 5-6 hours of sleep per night, and most nights, because my boyfriend comes in late, I am woken up 1 or 2 times during the middle of the night. I think that is beginning to make me more tired.

I am going to get some vitamins soon and really start trying to get more rest. I have been looking into seeing if I am having adrenal fatigue and one of the things I read about that is that a veggie and fruit filled diet and plenty of rest really helps the adrenals.

I changed the text color so now people can read the comments! I hope the blue is not too tough on the eyes.

I don't think my doctor is very fond of me right now. Sigh. I really want his support, but I just can't accept some of the things he says because it is from more of a western medicine view point and some of the things he says goes against everything I have been studying for years....sigh.

Money Issues.....

August 28th, 2009 at 01:33 am

I realize that I guess I have money issues.
When I am stressed or happy, I am not so cautious of my spending---now mind you, not being cautious in my world means getting a cup of coffee or buying some needed food that tastes good. It doesn't mean buying a book or buying clothes or dvds for fun.

I started to think about how much I went into my savings this month, and I almost started crying. I added how much I spent on food---shopping at really cheap stores, no whole paycheck for me. And I spent about $300 more on food than I should have...i checked and I spent about $200 on food in the first 2 weeks.

I just don't know what to do....I really don't. I am eating leftovers for lunch, avoiding eating out whenever possible, buying bulk rolls of 24 ct. for $1.50 and having 5 rolls for breakfast (not good for my diet, of course), and just so mad at myself for all of it.

I will also have to speak with my bf. He knows I am having money problems, but so is he, and he isn't good at budgeting (neither am I, it appears, but I do put up a good attempt, I think---at least I write things out--doesn't that count?), and so, the past 2 months he hasn't been contributing what we agreed upon...and it is mainly because he has had family stuff come up. I don't want to stress him out, but I will have to let him know that we are going to have to stick with our agreement if he stays with me...which, due to a crowded situation at his family's house, he may be staying with me. I am okay with that, but I realize that even a couple of trips per week to the cheapo market is still maybe $50 bucks, and that adds up quickly. Sigh.

I feel very sad right now. I am going to look for a part-time job and next month, I am going to fully commit myself to writing down every single thing I buy. And, i am going to use my debit card more---I find that the loose cash is easier for me to change and I forget what I spent it on when I am not writing things down.

I really just feel like crying. And the honest truth is that if I had 3-6 months of cash savings, i wouldn't be worrying about the debt i would have. I would pay it off of course, but not having the savings and not being able to get more credit is really stressing me out.

thank you all for letting me vent. I am not sure I can talk to many people about how i feel. I feel like you all understand some of where I am coming from, and i really appreciate all of your comments (sorry, i can't change the white background without then changing my blog page...and I am not sure if I want to use blue color or yellow color on a black background...I think it may be more difficult to see).

Love you all. Smile


August 27th, 2009 at 06:26 pm

Right now I am a bit super duper stressed, and in a wanting mode.

And of course while my main want would be to have an emergency savings of at least 3-6 months, I realize that may take a while to build up, and my current wants are on a much smaller level.

I am wanting to wander aimlessly through a mall, drinking something cool and sweet, and just being able to relax. I don't need to buy anything, window shopping is plenty relaxing for me.

I am wanting to just hunker down in a cafe and read a good book and write and not be stressing about wether or not I should really be buying a coffee drink.

I am wanting to buy some healthy food options, but right now, I am eating leftovers and some frozen items as away of not wasting food.

I know that in the big scheme of things, my wants sound pretty darn pathetic. I am very blessed to be even able to have the ability to go to a cafe and relax and read, versus working full time during the week and again on the weekends like I used to do. I know that this wanting is just because I am pretty darn ticked off at myself---ticked off for not saving more money from part-time job (I got into the feel good phase and had excess cash when I was dating---perhaps I spent too much on food and luxury items--like excess trips to target, and cheap bodyspray) and ticked off for just not being as frugal as I really need to be.

I am also having this wanting phase because I have been super poor, and I have been middle class (still middle class I suppose, just have a lot of debt) and even though it is good to curb my spending, when I am stressed and depressed, then I tend to want to shop or buy things....even cheap little dollar things.

So, I will just have to go home and write out my thoughts, and maybe over the weekend I will do the aimless window shopping...thinking about how I want my life to be (I like to window shop in home improvement stores....)

Why is it so expensive to eat healthy?

August 26th, 2009 at 02:41 am

I know that I am blessed to be able to eat food and not have to go hungry. I know that so many people in our country and our world go without food every single day. And that is a travesty, indeed. We don't have food shortages in our world, we have inequality in whom and which people and cultures and countries we allow to have food.

I have been trying to do more cooking and I am getting better at it, for sure. I sometimes get a bit irritated that while I want to go and buy veggies and spices and try all these new recipes, I need to watch my food budget. I have enough money for food, and am sooooo far from ever being hungry---it is more along the lines of, "Do I get to treat myself with yummy veggies and health food shakes, or do i get the box of 16 corn dogs for $5.99 (which turns out to be .37 cents per chicken corn dog)." I won't lie, most often times I get the corn dogs as I thinking that I will eat 2 or 3 per meal serving. sigh.

I have been eating more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Primarily because they are cheap.

I know I shouldn't complain...I should just become a much better cook!!

The adage about doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome...

August 25th, 2009 at 02:37 am

So, here I find myself again...almost the end of the month, eagerly awaiting my paycheck, and seeming amazed at why I went into my savings account.

I didn't do like I was supposed to, which was write out everything I bought through out the month. And so now I find myself again, hoping that I can somehow get it together and write out my spending habits for all of September so I can track to see what I am overspending on.

Of course, my main goal is to stay within my budget...the recent auto expenses made me dip significantly into my savings...I was already $140 or so dollars short to pay for some needed maintenance, and then I find myself another $200+ bucks short when I had to fix another issue. Sigh.

I am really worried and I hope that I can get it together for next month. The reason being that my pay will shrink by maybe $160-$180 bucks due to paycuts, and I am going to have to seriously figure out how I am going to pay all of my bills with less money. Frown

I know that this month I primarily overspent on food. Yep, just food. Nothing fancy. Just food.

Next month I am going to challenge myself even more to not use my credit card or go into my savings.

My friend's family member is having a baby. I am very happy, and also feeling the baby fever. I am not delusional and I realize that right now is not the best time to have a baby, and yet, the fear is growing in me. I hope I can relax about it a bit. Funny, but when I was younger, I was very much against having children biologically, and really only wanted to adopt. Sigh. Maybe I will change my way of thinking about it? Not sure.

I do know that I tend to spend more when I am stressed....I just want to relax and get my mind off of it, and that tends to make me buy fast food or coffee drinks a bit more freely.

I had a discussion with a family member and she told me some things about not wanting to see similarities between me and my mom, because she has negative memories of my mom (who is deceased). Wow. I am not sure really how to take that. I wasn't mad at her, I just told her that I hope that at some point she can see good similarities.
It has made me feel a bit at odds because I just don't know how I am supposed to think about that.

Money, Love, and Babies

August 23rd, 2009 at 09:52 pm

So, this past week was definitely a stressful one to put it mildly.

I finally got my car fixed and I am SOOO happy about that. Having a car is a really big piece of freedom in so many ways---I would not be able to save money on groceries and necessities if I did not have a car that allowed me to get from place to place.

My boyfriend and I are doing better. We still love each other and that is the important thing, and we are still helping each other and I think we will decide later if we want to get married or if we will be better as friends, ya know?

My friend is pregnant with her 2nd baby, and I am very happy for her, and also a bit sad for myself. I know that I am not ready to have a kid right now because 1) money issues, and 2) I want to be healthier before I get pregnant so I can have a better pregnancy and reduce the risk of complications and 3) I am not married and my boyfriend isn't ready for children right now. So, those are 3 really big reasons to not have a child now. But as I am creeping towards 35, I am getting really scared.

Sometimes I feel that my life is sooooo.....un-normal. Not abnormal, just not average or your run of the mill background, ya know? And while I think everything I have experienced only helps to make me a better person, I really worry if I will have a chance at being normal. I really want to just be married, have kids, and cook and take care of my family. That is normal for me, and I sometimes just don't understand it when i see other people who are maybe a bit superficial, etc., have these "normal" lives. Sometimes it just seems that things come easier for them, and when you take the fact that they aren't always the nicest people, or the most hardworking, it is a little saddening.

So, there are times when I feel a bit close to tears about the baby thing. I have a couple of years before I hit the 35, but still, I am beginning to be worried.

This week will be busy, so I am trying to focus on getting most of my cleaning done today so I can relax a bit more this week after work.

My savings is as low as it have ever been since my early 20s, and at times i am so sad I just have to laugh cause there isn't much I can do. I have been looking for part-time work, and with about 13% unemployment in my state, it is hard to find part-time work. People think it is easy, but really, it is more difficult than ever before.

Feeling better....

August 19th, 2009 at 03:56 pm

So, I had a good talk w/ my boyfriend and we did touch on the topic of the possibility that we may not be the best match for each other.

He apologized for speaking to the other woman, and he stated that he didn't want to be alone. Of course, I know that is a slippery slope, and while nothing physical happened, I don't like that they conversed.

We did have some discussion about how we communicate, and I did open up that I feel like we need to work on certain things, and he opened up that sometimes when he talks to me, he feels that I am sometimes judgemental, or that I am trying to solve his problems, when he just wants to vent. I know that this is a problem that I have in general.

I did talk with him about our future together and the possibility that it we may be better as friends, as we don't want to be the old couple who, as he puts it, argues over silly stuff in the supermarket (he hates to argue, and yeah, I am a bit argumentative).

Right now, we are taking a bit of a breather. He will be living else where, and he really needs to focus on his ill parent as their health is getting worse.

I am sad in some ways, but also I feel ok, like I am glad we talked and shared how we feel about things.

Sad, and yet....

August 18th, 2009 at 09:59 pm

I am feeling very odd right now.

I am both sad, but not boo-hooing like crazy. I am frightened that I may not find another person who accepts me like my boyfriend has (oh my, do I have a lot of flaws!), and also I feel like maybe I knew for a while that I am maybe not the best person for him (and vice versa).

He recently contacted me and said that he is going to move in with his mom. I let him know that I still care for him, and want to be supportive during these times, but that I must have respect in my relationships. We are supposed to talk about this later....not sure when, though.

He will move his stuff today or tomorrow.

I feel very sad cause I dislike stressing him out this much and I know that sleeping on the couch at his mom's is not where he really wants to be. I also feel like he knew that I felt uncomfortable him talking to this girl that he has flirted with, especially since she really does like him, and the fact that he initiated contact with her has really made me wonder about how much I can trust him.

Is it right to feel sad about his situation? Am I being too much of the proverbial push over? Am I ignoring my own feelings? I feel like I cannot just turn off my heart, and yet, I am aware of the possibility that while he encourages me to be the best I can be, I am not really sure that I do the same of him. I appreciate his sense of being a more go with the flow person, but I can't say that he appreciates my desire for organization and planning, etc.


August 18th, 2009 at 04:53 pm

Can I be in denial?

I really feel like my boyfriend talking to this other woman is 1) emotional cheating and 2) I don't think he would have done physical cheating, and I think that there may be things that are lacking in our relationship.

He has been so kind to me and so accepting, and I just have this feeling, in some ways, that he wouldn't necessarily cheat on me, but that right now we haven't made time for each other, and he was lonely.

I guess that is me making excuses, huh?

I don't feel that he is a bad person, AND I don't condone what he did at all. I do think that he probably wanted to spend some time with someone, and I wasn't available, but it doesn't make it ok, ya know?

It is weird....I feel so much love for him and I also think that maybe we just don't have enough of what we need in a partner?

I feel bad about having this argument at this time. And I also realize that if he had not spoken to the other woman, that we wouldn't have had this argument in the first place.

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and support. I am sorry about the not being able to see the comments....if you highlight the boxes, then you can read the comments. I haven't been able to make the text color white, and not have it affect the comments section.

So, how do I remain supportive and friendly and caring, and still receive respect from him?

Fear and worries.....

August 18th, 2009 at 03:32 pm

So, I woke up today feeling...well...lighter. I am still very sad about my bf and me. And I am also feeling like maybe I knew for a while that we weren't compatible, but I was hoping that things would get better once this difficult time passes.

I am also frustrated a bit that he hasn't contacted me. My friend said that he can understand a guy being in the wrong, and just not having an answer for it because he doesn't want to argue with the girlfriend.

I know that my boyfriend has never been into princess-like women. He prefers low maintenance women. I guess I am more of a regular gal, don't need a lot of fuss or frills. But still, I want to feel like I am valued and wanted. And sometimes, when he does things like this, I feel like maybe he has too much going on in his life right now to deal with relationship issues, and/or he just may not have the energy to put into the relationship.

I don't know. Frown I am going to wait until tonight to text him. I really feel like he should be the one texting me, so I am saddened that he hasn't reached out to me.

Feeling Sad

August 18th, 2009 at 03:36 am

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I have to accept that my boyfriend's attempt at speaking with someone else, is a signal that there is something missing in our relationship. I am saddened because I felt that aspect, and I know that perhaps I am not the most carefree person, and I don't really know that with my background I can be carefree about things.

I feel bad because even though I am very hurt, I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I don't want to not be there for him during these hard times. My friends keep telling me that he is a grown man and he will be fine and that I don't need to always be so supportive.

I do hope that he and I can be friends. I am more hurt than angry, but I am also adult enough to know that I did feel like he may want someone that is less serious. He doesn't like the idea of budgeting, and I am doing budgets multiple times a week. He doesn't like planning a weekend, and I like having my weekend planned out at least the Friday before.

I go back and forth from sadness to feeling like this is just a stage in our relationship. Sometimes I feel sad that he told this other person that she is the only one whom he can do certain things with, and other times I feel like he is someone I care about and I think that there is love between us and that we can always be friends. And then there is the fear that I won't find someone who accepts me as much as he does. I am afraid about that, as I have dated people before who made fun of how much I earned and who really made fun of my trying to be better at budgeting. Both people belittled me for coming from a poor background, or for being concerned about having an emergency savings and all of that.

Today was an emotional day. I am feeling sad and blue, and just overwhelmed and stressed. Thank all of you for letting me vent.

I don't know what I am going to do money-wise. part of the deal about my bf moving in was that he would pay a small amount and that would help me with food and the pay cut. But so far it feels like I have been spending more on food and items per month. So I am really hoping that I can get a 2nd job to help pay for things.

My head hurts because of stress and crying. I am sad, and yet, I feel like I kind of knew that maybe I wasn't the best person for my bf.


Mental Cheating....

August 17th, 2009 at 05:33 pm

Sorry, but I can't reply via the comments section, so I am doing it here.

Mental cheating to me, is talking with another person whom you know likes you.

An example would be confiding in another person, about things you may not talk with your SO about, and that other person is definitely into you romantically.

I know it is a fine line, but for me, I don't have a problem with having friends of the opposite sex (most of my friends are guys). I do think it can be sort of problematic or tempting if you have a friend of the opposite sex who is interested in you romantically, and you are spending time with them.

Is Love really enough?

August 17th, 2009 at 05:07 pm

I am facing a pretty hard situation right now. The man I love, whom I know loves me, may not be the best person for me. I am not sure that I make him happy as we don't have the same intersts and I worry that he may be bored.

He did something disrespectful (not horrible like physical cheating, but that mental cheating that ticks some of us women off) and I had asked him not to do it, and he did it again recently. I couldn't go with him to do a fun activity that he enjoys because it is late at night and I have to get up early for work. He has asked me to do things with him (more dating things), but things are hard right now, our schedules are different, so we haven't really been able to spend couple time 2gether, even though we are living together. It is not like I don't want to, it is just that I work different hours than he has, plus cooking and cleaning, and I am worn out a lot on the weekends.

He is going through some really hard times and I feel like it would be not the best thing to just kick him out. I do care for him and I just wonder that maybe we aren't the best union. It is so hard because we have both never found someone who accepted each other and loves each other the way we do. How do you balance that with a severe lack of mutual interests?

Our relationship has been good, but it has also been filled with life hardships....he has had to take care of his sick parents and that has really stressed him out. so a majority of our relationship has been just trying to survive together and make it through these difficult financial times.

I am not sure what to do. Part of me feels like we should remain friends and put the romance part on hold. Not sure. Frown