I have been feeling kind of odd lately. Hard to explain. I recently saw a friend I had from grade school, and they seem to be doing great! They have a nice house, a married with kids, etc., and generally look very happy. And this made me feel kind of odd and sad. I am not sad because they are happy, I am sad because I always thought that they were kind of perfect (of course, no one is perfect), or appeared to have this ideal life. And now, decades later, I see that they do appear to be having the life I imagined they would.
And, when I compare my life with theirs, I realize that I have accomplished some good things in my life, and that, considering where I come from, I didn't turn out too bad, ya know? I think my parents would be proud of me. I think. But, as far as how I feel about myself inside, I am upset that I have debt and that is somewhat impeding the ability to start a family or buy a home for my future family, and I am upset that my budget isn't so great, and I am upset that my weight has just skyrocketed and gotten totally out of control. Sigh.
I also feel a bit odd because I love my bf, and I think he loves me, too. I am not sure if he really wants to marry me, though, ya know? Partly, I feel like we love each other, but I am not sure if marriage is right for us. The budget issue is one problem in our relationship, and I would like things to be different before I consider getting married. I would like us to be able to be really good about managing our budgets and being able to talk about it, without it always being stressful. We are getting better at it, though.
I think my bf would be a good dad, when he decides that he wants to be one. I think he would like to be one, but he might want to see the world a bit more before settling down, ya know? I also worry about how we would be able to merge our budgeting issues and focus on bills better, etc. We have a lot of work to do in that regard as right now, I feel like his focus is to pay his family's bills, which is understandable, but, in the same regard, I want to be able to feel like my needs matter as well. He does help me, there are just times when I feel like I am not one of his priorities, ya know? Whereas I do feel that taking care of the home and providing food is a priority for me.
So, I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else. I think that I am just a bit blue because I am afraid of being a lonely old miser. I know, I know, I still have time, it is just that as I am meeting more and more people who already have kid(s) and are having their 2nd and 3rd child, it makes me worried. Then, add to the fact that sometimes my bf makes jokes that he doesn't want any, well, it only heightens my anxiety and sadness.
I am going to take the holidays to work on myself a bit. I think I will be a better mom if I take care of myself the way I should.
House, kids, dog, and white picket fence
December 21st, 2009 at 07:25 pm
December 21st, 2009 at 08:03 pm 1261425811
If kids are really important to you, I would ask him directly about it. It is always better to know where you stand.
People(more often men) often don't want to get married... until they meet a person they can't bear loosing. Than they do.
Or not wanting kids until meeting somebody you love without doubt and can only imagine what an amazing parent they would make.
Others want marriage and kids as a concept. They want it first, and than look for a person to make it happen.
I, for example, never wanted kids before meeting DH. Did not want them at all, in principal. Now I do.
December 21st, 2009 at 08:21 pm 1261426883
December 21st, 2009 at 09:09 pm 1261429795
December 21st, 2009 at 09:48 pm 1261432120
December 22nd, 2009 at 03:59 am 1261454370