So, today so far, has not been so good.
My bf came through and gave me the money that I asked for. The only problem came when it was time for him to give me the money, he made a comment about not expecting anything else from this check.
Now, in reality, I know he was just trying to say that he can't give any more money until he gets paid again. However, the way it came across was like I shouldn't expect anything else, and he also made a comment about us buying our own food. That upset me, because I spent so much of my money feeding US for the first half of the month, and now he is saying we just have to fend for ourselves. Sigh. He sometimes acts as if I enjoy spending money on food, and that I may be over-spending on food. He doesn't cook, so he may not know how much a week of groceries cost, even when I do super low budget, AND he doesn't take into account that when I cook, I try to make multiple portions as we both have big appetites (him in particular).
I also feel a bit weird because he said that he wanted to buy me a certain item and that we would go and do it this weekend. So, when he said what he said today, it is like he forgot what he had previously promised. And for the record, I very, very, very rarely get gifts or ask for gifts from my bf, but I have bought him things that he may have needed, from time to time.
So, needless to say I said a lot of things and probably not in the nicest tone. He, as usual, got very quiet and didn't say much, other than he is under a lot of stress and has a lot of things going on right now and that what I was saying was only adding to the stress. I tried to tell him that I don't want to be added stress, but there are things that I need. There was also the silent issue that he spent a good amount of his check on something that is more fun related. I want him to be happy and I have no say over what he buys, and I am encouraging of him taking care of himself while dealing with the stress. What he buys is his right and business. I did tell him that what I am asking for is helping the both of us, and that I haven't been spending my money on things like that. I feel like I am worrying about how to feed myself and us, and he is off buying fun things.
So, I have been doing my budget diligently, and bought a few grocery food items----thinking always of how many servings per package, how much per serving, and then calculating how I can eat so many portions as breakfast or lunch, etc. I think I can make it, but I already fear that I will have to use the little bit of available credit I have on my cc card. Also, there is the issue of how much it will cost when I see my relative later this month. Sigh.
I feel guilty for stressing out my bf, as he is going through a tremendous amount of pressure and stress right now (family member is ill), but I also feel like there are some things missing in our relationship, and I don't ask for much, really, but it just seems to be getting to a point where things aren't balanced.
This whole process makes me feel like maybe I have been too giving at times. I saw Bridezillas yesterday, and I am sorry to say, but I couldn't understand why these men were marrying these women?!? The women in the show were very bossy and nagging and I felt sorry for the guys. One bridezillas even gave her bridesmaid cough syrup without the bridesmaid knowing it (that could have been sooo bad, physical reaction wise) because she felt the bridesmaid's coughing was unwanted at the wedding. Sigh. I feel like I am helping so much, and though I don't always request flowers and candy, I do want to feel like I am special. I know that me and my bf love and care for each other, I just don't know if I should wait and see if things get better with my bf, or discuss w/ my bf if he can really handle a relationship at this time.
I thank everyone for their comments, as they really do help me. I want to also let people know that though at times my writing my seem very intense and I may seem very forlorn, this is an avenue for me to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and just, well, vent. Sometimes a good nap or a good night's sleep gives me a different perspective on things. I know that at time my entries may seem more bleak than the reality of the situation.
Repressing One's Thoughts
So, today so far, has not been so good.