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October 22nd, 2009 at 07:40 pm

Today was one of those days where I would say that I had to dig deep down within myself and bite my tongue, but honestly, I was so tired and felt so down beaten that is was easier for me to just acquiesce.

I have come from sleeping on the floor of a person's 1 bedroom apartment (with other people, mind you) and having to make sure I shake out the roaches from my clothes before going to school (I am being very serious), to being able to visit other countries on my own, and seeing famous works of art. I dislike that because people focus on outer things that are not so important to me, I sometimes have certain people treat me in such a way that makes me feel like I am 12 years old all over again. I don't like having to conform to their beliefs, but part of me feels like I have no choice......some people will not accept that I know what I can do, if I do not conform to their image ideas.

I felt so brow beaten today that all I could really do is just be quiet and exasperated.

I am taking things in my life one step at a time. Things have been stressful for me lately in a few areas of my life, and I am just focusing on getting everything together---with my finances and health being at the top of the list. I am not bad off by any means, but I just don't have my usual zest.

So, yeah, today was just a bit tiring. I am really motivated about improving the areas in my life that are a little out of whack. I also realize that because I may be letting my finances affect my clothing, I am going to seriously work on that front and get things more together. I know the things that I am good at, and it is frustrating when other people think that I am not good at those things.

Things are better between me and my bf. I had felt a bit bad at first about the way we argued, but I held my ground and didn't backtrack from what I had said. And I think he really got where I was coming from. He has been helping a lot more and I appreciate that. He also made a comment yesterday that suggested he may want to be with me for the long haul. Of course, I may be seeing it through a female who really wants to be married and making babies type of lens (sorry, just being honest) and thinking that when he means future us, he means fuuuutttttuuuuururrrreeeee us, ya know? He could very well mean just right now, or maybe sometime soon. But I took his comment to mean the future and that meant a lot to me. I have a small place, but it is comfortable for the both of us, and if we work together, we can improve it a lot. I really do feel blessed to have the place I have, even though I realize I probably sound like such a curmudgeon when I complain about the upper class and their affect on my city. I know, me thinks I protest a bit too much at times. Sometimes, it is best to just sigh, get your mind off of the topic, and focus on things that bring you a bit more joy, rather than things that get the blood boiling.

Every day I am using my little calculator and figuring out what I can buy and what bill is due and all of that. I have been very resourceful with my food and have been having odd food combinations, but ya know what? I am full from breakfast to the time I get home in the evening, and that is what I am focusing on. When I have more money, then I can focus a bit more on being full off of healthier food, than what I am eating now.

I am very motivated, and I am very happy to be feeling that way. Smile

2 Responses to “Exasperated”

  1. dtjunkie Says:

    Thank you! For writing this post. I'm usually not the "depressed" type, I usually don't like to let people see me sweat. But lately I too have lost some of the pep in my step and was planning on writing a post akin to what you just wrote.

  2. LuxLiving Says:

    YOU have the entire picture and others don't.

    Focus on what you know and what't important to you.

    You are doing this!! Big Grin Go YOU!!!

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