So, the title above can be something from an SNL skit, or a 60s song made famous by Diana Ross and reinvented by the old tv show China Beach.
In any case, it was the best title I could come up with. Right now I guess I am reflecting on things in my life, though I feel more like I am being introspective, but I think I already used that title.
It was a very weird weekend for me. A relative gave me some money, which I really needed, and yet, I feel weird about taking. I don't want to feel like a charity case, ya know?
I also realized that the minute I get paid, I am going to have to stock up on the basics--I already had the no deodorant fiasco that, while I had some deodorant, it just wasn't the best kind for me, so it left me scrambling to buy more the first thing in the morning. I find myself again in a similar situation, and trying to figure out where I can buy the basic toiletry item for the cheapest in my city. Sigh.
My clothes are looking pretty shabby right now, so I defitely need to clean up the good clothes I have. I got more clothes, and bought them in the largest size I remember wearing and low and behold, they still didn't fit. So yeah, kind of bummed about that.
I am having so many feelings right now. Things are kind of up and down with me and my bf, and I hope we can work through them. I feel like with all of the stress he is going through with his family, that when I discuss what I need from him in terms of his portion of the rent, etc., it just makes him more stressed out. And I worry about how he deals with that and all the things that entails.
I just have this huge fear of being an old cat lady (no offense to old cat ladies as it isn't a horrible thing to be older with a multitude of cats---it is moreso just my own personal issues with that imagery) and not having my own family and not being loved and all of that. I also worry about money in that I don't know if I will be able to afford in vitro fertilization or if I will have enough money to be able to adopt a child when I am older. So, yeah, the emotional rollercoaster is swirling all around, and no, it really isn't a rollercoaster of love.
My stomach is bothering me right now, so the idea of going for a long walk this week doesn't sound so appealing. I will have to start getting out and doing more exercise and I need to get away from the foods I have been eating, cause they are making me bloat like crazy.
I am feeling kind of anxious right now, and just think it is nerves and worry and stress. I have about $10 for food for this week, but I think that will be enough as I already made enough food to last hopefully for the rest of the day.
Reflections
October 26th, 2009 at 03:51 pm
October 26th, 2009 at 04:13 pm 1256573608
Don't let BF guilt you into taking on more than your share. It is part his responsibility too, you have enough going on, you don't need his share to! Be understanding, sympathetic and FIRM!
And DO get out and exercise. This will help your emotions and your mood!
October 26th, 2009 at 04:31 pm 1256574661
So I have cut back on every little thing. I'm not buying meat until I use up all the meat in the freezer that I purchased on sale. My grocery bill has lowered to $30 to $50 a week from $70 to $90 a week, and I think I'm actually eating better.
I'm not spending anything on fun. No Starbucks, no Panera breads $9 lunches on the weekend, no renting of movies, or going to even the dollar theatre for movies. I'm not even going to the library because my books are always overdue.
I'm not buying emergency junk food and I've almost eliminated buying snacks from the machines in the cafeteria.
I am pretty certain I'm going to be an old woman dog lady, with no love in my life, but by golly, I'll have friends and my church, and work. Actually, the idea of romance is pretty sucky at this point. The dogs are more affectionate and sweet anyway.
There is a tendency in our society to say that romantic love is it. If you are loved by someone romantically and in a relationship, then you are not alone. I thought because I was married, I wasn't alone, but I ended up isolated and alone and abused. And now that I am "alone", I feel better about life and myself.
You are a very introspective intelligent person, and I look for your posts and keep you in my prayers. Take care, Dear Lady.
October 26th, 2009 at 04:45 pm 1256575515
All the wealthier people I know did foreign adoptions. Often same kinds of babies (sick and/or minorities) but the perk is that the birth parents will never re-appear.
I am not sure I know of anyone who has adopted a healthy/white baby. That is a rarity.
Just to point out there are options. Don't stress about that which you can't control - that is for sure.
Reminds me, being a healthy weight (not too thin or large) is really key to fertility. I would perhaps think about that as motivation to go for that walk!
October 26th, 2009 at 05:54 pm 1256579682
There are many ways to adopt, not all of which require a lot of income and states do pay adoption subsidies in some instances.
October 26th, 2009 at 06:17 pm 1256581064
October 26th, 2009 at 10:42 pm 1256596962