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Borrow vs Have?

January 22nd, 2010 at 11:50 am

So, somehow, after the big argument with my bf last month, I made a statement that I had enough money to pay for bills for the house for the first half of the month, and that my bf could wait until the latter half of the month to pay for his portion of rent and utilities and food. Also, there is a routine bill that he pays that is not included in this amount. Most of the time he cannot pay this bill on time because of his limited income and when he gets paid.

So, I was not clear about the exact amount of money I needed from him. And, because it is like pulling teeth to get him to sit down (we have never sat down and physically wrote out our expenses and income--I write out the house expenses and my income and his expected portion) I am now in a situation that makes me want to cry because really, I am short around $20-$30, which means I have to borrow money from friends and/or family until I get paid.

I am so upset because he doesn't budget, he doesn't make enough to be as non-budgeted as he is. I know he is supposed to pay some large bill he has and I would expect or hope that he would have saved money from his last check to do that. I am not sure that is the case as he doesn't like to talk about money or budgeting, and when I ask him things, he acts as if I am stressing him out or not being clear about what I need.

So, I told him the minimum of what I needed with a $20 range. He can only give on the low end. I also forgot about the bill he is supposed to pay each month, and if he will give me money for that. So, if I take into account what he bought this month, and what he is giving me, then he is $105 dollars short.

The problem is that because he didn't give me enough so far this month, then I am asking to "borrow" money. This is really crappy because why do I have to say borrow. Should I really just start saying "have"? Meanwhile, there are times when he has more money in his pocket than I do, for misc stuff like eating out, etc.

He has also been home a lot less, so I wonder if he pays less because of this. I am frustrated and I want to cry and I feel like everytime I try to talk about money with him, it is an argument because he says that I am saying it in the wrong way, etc.

I am frustrated because I was so happy about getting money today (my gas tank is on E, seriously), and also paying back my relative for a nice gesture she made towards me, and now I don't have enough for that. I have enough to repay another friend, buy gas, and maybe enough food for the next 9 days. Again, I am having to be in the mode of being anxious for the 1st, and I hate that, because it feels like being on welfare all over again. Frown

9 Responses to “Borrow vs Have?”

  1. momcents Says:

    Can you rework your budget so that you aren't relying on money from your boyfriend? I am unclear about whether or not you live together, etc. You might be in a living situation which is too expensive for you right now. Can you downsize to a smaller apartment? Can you get a roommate? Can you be a roommate?

    I don't think that it is wise to count on money from your boyfriend. Can you file your taxes soon and will you get a refund?

  2. wowitsawonderfullife Says:

    Perhaps it's time for your BF to borrow from a friend. Why do you always have to find the extra funds? Sorry to be harsh but I think it's time for him to man up to the responsibility of finances that are related to your relationship. That's why it's called a PARTNERSHIP.

  3. thebestmeicanbe Says:

    We live together, and I am just so upset that he doesn't budget his stuff right, and part of me feels for him because it is this constant issue of large bills he has to pay for his family, that for whatever reason, he feels obligated to do.

    I do take responsibility for not budgeting as well as I should, myself. But I am also upset the my bf really seems to not understand how much things cost and the help that I need. And so, it seems like I have to be on him constantly for the exact amount of money I need. But when I do that, then he feels more stressed out.

  4. momcents Says:

    Sounds to me like you carrying more of your fair share in the relationship. I think that you are making excuses for your BF (sorry to be so blunt). If he has to help out his family so much, he should move in with them and let you get a roommate to pay 50% of the bills. You are under far too much stress because of the finances. Life is too short for this to be your chronic state of affairs.

  5. thebestmeicanbe Says:

    My budget and my earnings are not enough to support the both of us, so yeah, he has to chip in. And he has been giving me more support than any other person I have dated. I think it is just a combination of he doesn't earn very much, he has issues with budgeting, and every time he does get money, someone in his family or some bill he has needs to be paid. So he doesn't have much money for himself as well.

    I am upset at myself because I should have been clear and said that I need a certain amount of money on this date. All of this is so frustrating that I really just want to go home and cry. Luckily, I can wash my clothes at a friend's house and wash other clothes by hand. But the money my bf is giving me is going right back into the household---toilet paper, paper towels, etc.

  6. thebestmeicanbe Says:

    I just feel like I am in a tough situation right now. On one hand, my bf is going through a lot of problems right now and his family will not let him live with them and they do ask for his help. I also have my own problems with budgeting, so if I overspend by 20 bucks, that can be a big deal. He is helping me, and he has given me more than anyone else, even those who earn 3-4x what he does.

  7. pharaohsmom Says:

    It sounds like you are making excuses for the man. He needs to tell his family no, and start taking care of you and himself.

  8. campfrugal Says:

    You really need to have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend and tell him exactly how you are feeling. There was a person in my life doing the same thing, who could make just as much money as I could or more and help out financially, but always cried the "I don't have the money" wine, so I redid my budget to make sure that I was living within my means of what I was making, even if that meant to get rid of the internet, cable tv, etc. I mean, if he wanted those items, then get them in his name and pay for them, I couldn't afford it. What I found was that I was enabling him to be lax financially. He knew that if he cried wolf, I would end up covering it and he could spend what he wanted on cigarettes, coffee out, stuff for his car, etc. I eventually had a real heart to heart about what my expectations were financially, what exactly I needed him to give me every week; and if he couldn't meet those expecttions, then he needed to leave.

    I think as women - that is what we do, we mother. We want everyone to be happy. We are pleasers and always put ourselves last.

    Stop enabling him and put yourself first. Tell him you are tired of being his enabler and tell him exactly what you need. You may get it and you may not, but you will definantely feel better and know where you stand and what you'll need to do in the future.

    Good Luck and hang in there.

  9. veronak Says:

    oh boy its tough but you are going to have to make a decision which is in your best interest. You guys are really going to have to sit down and talk things out ASAP...good luck

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