The event tonight didn't go so well. Sure, I wore one of my best dresses (that I get compliments on, but still feels very tent like and unflattering, but more comfortable than any other dress I own), and I did my make-up extra special, but I still felt unbelievably out of place. I saw some old friends from school, and everyone seems to be going on with their lives and just being so very normal. I realize that from the outside, there are people from where I am from, from the circles I grew up in, that would see me as the normal one who have accomplished a lot. And yet, when I compare myself to this group of people I went to school with, I feel like the one who is not with it. I know that you should never compare yourself against anyone else, because you will often be disappointed or feel that you fall short. I think the combination of my bf being unsure of what he wants (and our discussion about our love for one another, but uncertainty about our long term relationship), the issue with my expectations about being paid today, the fact that I haven't been getting good sleep lately, and the really draining week was a bit more than I could handle today. I ended up leaving early cause I just felt so very depressed.
I put a smile on my face and was really friendly and nice to everyone. But, as I sat there sipping my water and not knowing very many people, I just felt more and more like I needed to get home. There were people there who seemed to just be doing everything that I want to do, and it is hard at times to see. I feel like there are so many things in my life that are out of control right now, and I feel that how I look reflects that a lot. I feel like my budget is out of control in many ways---not crazily so, but in all actuality, I feel like I am spinning my wheels and not sticking to it like I should and maybe that is because it is not realistic to begin with. Is it too hard for me to accept that I may only buy x amount of beans or gallons of milk per month? Should I just deal better with sticking to my plans, even if it means not always being full or satisfying a craving?
I feel a bit like my health is out of control. I have been very lucky and am generally pretty healthy. I am just dealing with some aspects that make me feel like I have lost a bit of pep in my step. Right now, my back is tightening and I think it is just a combination of the cold, of being tired, and of stress. There are some aspects of my health that are so far out of control I feel like I am powerless over improving things. I know that isn't rationally true, but that is how I feel.
I think it would be good for me to get a good night's rest, and tomorrow, think about things hopefully with a clearer head.
thank you everyone for reading my blog and for going on this roller coaster that is my life, as it seems.
Out of Control
January 30th, 2010 at 08:03 am
January 30th, 2010 at 01:29 pm 1264858157
Everyone feels out of control sometimes and it is often right before the calm. It wakes you up- makes you realize something is wrong/needs to change and start some changes. Then things get back in line and life gets easier for a bit.
January 30th, 2010 at 01:29 pm 1264858186
At work, make a list to prioritize, and do the most critical things first. Anything else can be left for another day.
Now this is the most important part: accept yourself as you are right now. "I am me, and I love me. I have certain goals I want to achieve, but I will take it one step at a time to get there."
You are a vital and important person. Just believe.
January 30th, 2010 at 06:46 pm 1264877199
I had mixed reactions when i went to my 10-year school reunion, and i doubt i'd go again.
January 30th, 2010 at 08:27 pm 1264883251
This is year is going to be a *BIG* one when it comes to high school class reunions for my graduating class. I haven't been to any of mine in the past and I honestly don't see myself attending any of them in the future. The people I went to school with, hung out with and/or cared about, I still see on a semi-regular basis. The rest of them, seriously, I could care less about. I didn't care about them back then :::and I have no doubt they would say ditto about/to me::: and "X" number of years hasn't changed that fact. I guess if I was that interested in any of them, all I'd have to do is join facebook, which is free. LOL