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trying to stay focused

March 10th, 2010 at 10:31 pm

So, something happened and my previous entry, well, didn't get entered. So, to make it a bit more summed up because my tears are dried up a bit, I pretty much have been using my excess money to put towards things I need (like toothbrush, carpet powder) and things I like (aromatherapy for my home, coffee, healthy food). I haven't been going hog wild or anything, but it does feel good to buy what I want and need and not have to be stressed about it. I realize I am so very, very fortunate.

I have been just trying my hardest in certain areas of my life---smiling even when I am frustrated. I really feel like I just have to do the best that I can, in conjunction with getting healthier, before people will acknowledge that I have good skills and talents.

The relationship front has been more difficult. Ended up crying with the ex today and I feel bad about that. He has been stressed about stuff and I didn't meat to stress him any more. I was trying to explain to him that I am crying because things take time, ya know? He didn't hurt my feelings, it is just the being apart that hurts. I know that we are probably better if we continue to care and be there for each other, but not be focused on being marriage material or gf/bf for each other.

He wants me to be happy and get control over some areas in my life I need help with. I know he is saying this in a supportive way as he has always been supportive of me, it just makes me feel like a failure. It seems so overwhelming at times. But, I know I can do it if I just concentrate on it. But first, I want to focus on my health. I think other things will improve if I can get the health thing under control first. I also feel sad because he wants to help me so much and he cares for me so much and I worry if anyone else will care for me like he does. I feel bad that maybe I should have been more accepting. Sigh.

On a positive note, the extra dough has been helping me to shop the perimeter of the store in a great and fabulous super market and it is helping me to buy the foodstuffs that are what I need and what will help me to accomplish the health goals that I have.

I think it is probably late and the emotions are stronger. I will go tomorrow and focus on sticking with my health desires, and also starting on the other areas of my life that I need help with. I think if I work on both issues, it will be a helpful distraction.

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