So, I have been contemplating my life lately---what I want to accomplish, who am I as a person, what do I contribute to the world, who am I meant to be, will I have the life that I want, etc.

I am happy I got my tax return, but about half of it went to bills and repaying my family member. And the other part went to just routine stuff around the house. Sigh. On a positive note, I should be able to save a good chunk from my part-time work, so that will be good for me. I want to be able to increase my savings, since it is pathetically low right now. Really. The part-time work has been helping me to feel comfortable, to be honest. I have been buying the food I want to eat (healthier), stuff I need for my apartment, and just let me bit a lot more comfortable than before. I do recognize that I need to get back on track with sticking with my food budget. I also need to do what mom's around the world have been doing for ages, and write up my freaking weekly menu. Can you believe I have never done that? have had meals in mind for a period of time and have bought food according to what I thought I would need for the week, but I have never actually seriously made a weekly meal plan so that when I shop I can stick to buying only what I plan on making that week. I definitely have a problem with food spoilage, and I need to stop that.

The situation with the ex is the usual. We talk sporadically, I get emotional cause we still aren't really discussing much, and I also end up getting frustrated because he is still having difficulties with his family and it is hard to see him go through that. I do, however, really want us to remain as friends. I do realize that whatever money he owed me he may not be able to repay, and that he may not be able to help me every month as he had wanted to. He has a lot of financial stuff he is dealing with right now, and it makes me sad to see how stressed out he is. Also, he made some comments that made me feel like he sees me as just another stressor in his life. I am going to just focus on me for a while. I think that we both need to work on ourselves in order to be better friends towards each other.

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want and if i will be happy. I admit that I don't feel happy a lot of the time. I am not depressed, as I laugh like tons and my humor is still good---when I have been depressed, I noticed how much I lacked the ability to laugh at things. So now, my laughter and humor is good.

I am worried about money and my future. Because I made stupid financial mistakes, and shopped when I was depressed (nothing ever fancy, but still, shopping is still spending money), I am now a bit broker than I would like to be. I should be saving tons of money right now. sigh. And if I end up alone when i am older, then I will need a lot of savings to do certain things in my life that I always wanted to do. Sigh.

I am working as hard as I can right now, so I can't work much harder than I am. I just need to work on saving money better. I have been eating better and improving my home, so at least I feel my extra money is to good use.

I have been doing more things for myself to feel better. It does cost money (new skincare items that are good for my face), so that is the negative part of it. But I am not being excessive about it.

I am working very hard at self-improvement right now. I am also taking a break from dating. I just don't feel interested in dealing with all of that, ya know?

I am just going to work on saving money, getting myself and my house together, and being happy.

I also have to admit that a lot of my fear about being with a person is my fear of being alone, old, and destitute. I see how older women are treated in my city, and I am so afraid of becoming that way. I feel like people treat older women (especially if they are not as attractive), in a negative and more disposable way. I worry about being viewed that way. I already have people seeing through me at times. I just worry about being alone and not having anyone that could help me if I need it, even if the reality is that usually I am the person who is helping my friends or trying to be the stable one. I need to get my emergency savings back up to the previous amount I had (over $10,000 at one point..sigh). If I had a decent amount of emergency savings, I would feel more comfortable.