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Money and finding a mate

October 12th, 2010 at 04:16 am

So, there are times when I am in a funk, and I start to think back to issues of love and romance. Probably something I shouldn't do when I feel this way, but I am working on it.

The new person I am seeing is a nice guy. There are some issues that we both have that make it seem like we might not be husband and wife ready. He isn't too keen on my being frugal, and I am not too keen on his lack of firm financial goals at this age in his life (he is almost a decade older than me). I accept that he views money differently, and, having been through that issue with my past relationship, it worries me a bit.

When I think of the choices I made in who I dated (admittedly, I don't think I really had a huge selection, but that is another issue), I feel really stupid and upset at myself. I found out recently that a guy I used to semi-date years ago is now married and has a child. We dated and I just didn't feel any chemistry. I was younger, and I didn't focus on the fact that he is my age, hardworking, responsible, and likes me. Instead, I focused on how he spoke or the fact that we didn't seem to have any chemistry or commonality.

I also think of a recent ex of mine who I really, really liked. I haven't heard from him in years, and one of the problems that we had was that he made ALOT more money than me, and he didn't understand that at that time I had a very tight budget and had to be frugal. He made so much money and had so little debt, that he wasn't worried about even having an emergency savings and would often buy big ticket electronic items.

While we got along great, I do feel that he looked down on me for the type of job that I did (he was a techie, I wasn't)and that I didn't earn as much as he did. He once made a comment that suggested that he didn't think that what I did had any value, and it would be better to just give my clients money, rather than help.

I feel sad because I do think, by the way that he was income wise, and appearance, that he is most likely married and probably has kids.

I feel like I should have focused on the more important things in the goal of being a mom and married. Instead, I was so focused on personality and chemistry. In the big picture, is that what is really important? If I go for guys I have lots in common with and that I can talk to, but they either have issues with fidelity, or lack of personal ambition, then it doesn't seem to bode well that they will want to settle down and start a family.

I often get very sad about the topic, because I see so many others who may not have the same life I have had, or have worked in the same way, and it just seems like getting married and having kids was so easy for them.

I found a long lost friend on a social networking site. When we were in school together, I always wanted to be like her. I was growing up poor, not a mom and a dad, and just going through so much. I know that my classmates had no idea of what I was experiencing, or how I would have to change my clothes in various restrooms because I didn't have a place to really do that.

She was the very popular gal in our class. She mostly stood up for me, as she was the kind of person to stand up for everyone. But at times she would join in on making fun of me---whether it be my dirty clothes with the rips and holes, or why my hair hadn't been combed in days, etc.

But she was the one that all of the girls in class wanted to be like. She was thin and looked unique and the coolest guy in class wanted to be with her. I later found out that she is now married to a seemingly great guy, and has a ton of kids, and seems to just be living this great and normal life.

I am getting older and the issues with my finances are wearing down on me a bit. I know that I am very, very, very fortunate and blessed, as I am able to work the way that I do, am able to earn extra money through part-time work, am able to eat and wear decent clothes and have a roof over my head and my car and my family and friends.

I know that I am very, very blessed. I also know that some large bills I have will be paid off in under a year. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize and keep on working to pay down debt. I just worry so much about how things will be. I know a person who seems to be so worn down by life. He complains so much about things, but he has a house, and a flat screen tv, etc. etc. etc., but he isn't married and has no kids, and, it seems like he is so negative because maybe he wanted things to be different. It is sometimes hard to talk to him because he is just so much more negative than imaginable and it is mentally draining. I worry a lot because I don't want my mind or spirit to turn out like his.

I am just ranting and venting a bit, and I thank you all for listening. I think it is good to get advice from people who may have gone through that same things I have, or who may just have lived life a bit more than I have. It really helps me in more ways that I can verbally express.

7 Responses to “Money and finding a mate”

  1. nmboone Says:

    I often get envious of my old classmates too. They seem to have great lives that just seemed to come to them. I'm 27 and single at the moment but it seems like great relationships happen to others so much easier, and I feel like I have a lot of great qualities to offer someone. Anyway thought I would commiserate somewhat. I think everything will work out for you as long as you keep looking for the right person. Maybe the same will happen for myself as well one day.

  2. momcents Says:


    I think it is important to understand your past: how and why you made the decisions that you did, whether or not you are pleased with those decisions, and what you might do differently in the future. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side of the fence. I would never trade any of my kids or the circumstances of our life, but I look at families that make more money and have less kids and it seems ... sometimes, easier for them. But I look at families like that whose lifestyles are quite grand, then a thing happens like a job loss and they are in financial ruin, and too proud to ask for assistance or apply for tuition scholarships and grants at our school. I guess that if we compare ourselves to others, we will be better than some and worse than others. I think it is good to keep in mind differences in evaluating this new relationship, but if money isn't the root of happiness, I might not let that dissuade you from a potential relationship with a guy who might want a future with you. Just my two cents, for what its worth! Smile

  3. MonkeyMama Says:

    "I feel like I should have focused on the more important things in the goal of being a mom and married. Instead, I was so focused on personality and chemistry. In the big picture, is that what is really important?"

    YES!

    I just had to say that I don't think you did anything wrong in this area. My husband is my best friend. I Can not imagine marrying someone I did not mesh with personality-wise. Chemistry is what differentiates lovers from friends. Why would you want to marry someone you had no chemistry with? This is cause for a LOT of divorces. (I have a lot of friends who just realized they aren't "in love" with their ex-spouses).

    IT's funny, because all of the people I know narrowly looking for marriage and babies, haven't done so well with that. SO, I think it's preferable just to look for someone you mesh with. The rest follows. A baby/marriage track mind repels a lot of potential mates, on the contrary.

    Where I am confused is that the guys with "lots in common with and that I can talk to" who don't share your same goals or values. For me, the people I have had ease of conversations with and feel very comfortable with tend to share the same goals and values. & sometimes, we change our goals for the ones we love. I really had no interest in family when I met my spouse (very young) but he wanted kids very young. For him, I changed my life goals dramatically. & not in a way that compromised myself. I just changed. I just share because though you don't want to spend too much time with someone with different life paths, you also don't want to write people off immediately for their current path. Things change.

    As the old adage goes, you need to love yourself before you can find a good mate, and I think that is a lot of it. If you were more confident and happy you would attract more people like that, I think.

  4. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    Let me just say ... I'm almost 35. All I ever wanted in life was to be a mom (married first). I'm still single. All my friends except for one, are married with kids.

    I hear you.

  5. Jerry Says:

    I think that the more we start to feel comfortable with ourselves, and doing the things that make us happiest, and helping other people, the more attractive we become overall. And I don't mean "that person thinks I'm hot" attractive, but I mean that we attract good to ourselves... and good people tend to come with that. I agree with monkeymama that people who are totally focused on wanting marriage-family-kids often tend not to see as much progress in that regard, whether it is desperation or some other reason, I don't know. I think it is awesome to want marriage-family-kids, but I think that if we focus elsewhere then it might offer some insurance to make those things more likely. That is what happened to me, anyway... once I stopped worrying about it, focused on school and helping people and trying to be a decent guy, then suddenly there she was. I wasn't selling myself, or whatever, and I wasn't thinking about it so much. Anyway, that is just my experience, and everybody's mileage may vary.
    Jerry

  6. Savings Queen Says:

    I wish you would post again and let us know how your life is going. You are so very honest and speak from your heart which is very refreshing. I may be a little different from some of the others above who say chemistry is important. I personally feel that finding a good person to share your life with is one of the most important things. Find someone whose values you can respect and who you have a good time with. I have a good friend who is 60 and never been married. She was engaged several times and kept breaking up with them because she thought someone better would be coming along. After about 45, they didn't anymore.

    You are still so young...you really are. Your life is still very much ahead of you and if you really want to be married, you will find the perfect man for you.

    Also, through your hard work and efforts you have made so much of your life. You can be very proud of yourself. I wish you could erase your childhood deprivation. It is nothing to be ashamed of..instead you should be VERY proud of what you have made of yourself. Your parents poverty was NOT your fault and it was no reflection on you.

    Please post again. Your blog was listed as one of TightWad Kitty's favorites! I know EVERYONE would want to hear your valuable sharing.

  7. laura Says:


    Just wondering how things are with you; hoping this turns up in your email. Maybe drop a line. BA, a long-time poster who had left for a while, just left a random "shout out".

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