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House, kids, dog, and white picket fence

December 21st, 2009 at 07:25 pm

I have been feeling kind of odd lately. Hard to explain. I recently saw a friend I had from grade school, and they seem to be doing great! They have a nice house, a married with kids, etc., and generally look very happy. And this made me feel kind of odd and sad. I am not sad because they are happy, I am sad because I always thought that they were kind of perfect (of course, no one is perfect), or appeared to have this ideal life. And now, decades later, I see that they do appear to be having the life I imagined they would.

And, when I compare my life with theirs, I realize that I have accomplished some good things in my life, and that, considering where I come from, I didn't turn out too bad, ya know? I think my parents would be proud of me. I think. But, as far as how I feel about myself inside, I am upset that I have debt and that is somewhat impeding the ability to start a family or buy a home for my future family, and I am upset that my budget isn't so great, and I am upset that my weight has just skyrocketed and gotten totally out of control. Sigh.

I also feel a bit odd because I love my bf, and I think he loves me, too. I am not sure if he really wants to marry me, though, ya know? Partly, I feel like we love each other, but I am not sure if marriage is right for us. The budget issue is one problem in our relationship, and I would like things to be different before I consider getting married. I would like us to be able to be really good about managing our budgets and being able to talk about it, without it always being stressful. We are getting better at it, though.

I think my bf would be a good dad, when he decides that he wants to be one. I think he would like to be one, but he might want to see the world a bit more before settling down, ya know? I also worry about how we would be able to merge our budgeting issues and focus on bills better, etc. We have a lot of work to do in that regard as right now, I feel like his focus is to pay his family's bills, which is understandable, but, in the same regard, I want to be able to feel like my needs matter as well. He does help me, there are just times when I feel like I am not one of his priorities, ya know? Whereas I do feel that taking care of the home and providing food is a priority for me.

So, I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else. I think that I am just a bit blue because I am afraid of being a lonely old miser. I know, I know, I still have time, it is just that as I am meeting more and more people who already have kid(s) and are having their 2nd and 3rd child, it makes me worried. Then, add to the fact that sometimes my bf makes jokes that he doesn't want any, well, it only heightens my anxiety and sadness.

I am going to take the holidays to work on myself a bit. I think I will be a better mom if I take care of myself the way I should.

5 Responses to “House, kids, dog, and white picket fence”

  1. Nika Says:

    I'm sorry you feel blue.
    If kids are really important to you, I would ask him directly about it. It is always better to know where you stand.

    People(more often men) often don't want to get married... until they meet a person they can't bear loosing. Than they do.

    Or not wanting kids until meeting somebody you love without doubt and can only imagine what an amazing parent they would make.

    Others want marriage and kids as a concept. They want it first, and than look for a person to make it happen.

    I, for example, never wanted kids before meeting DH. Did not want them at all, in principal. Now I do.

  2. skydivingchic Says:

    I second the advice to ask your BF directly about kids. If his answer is no he definately doesn't want them and your answer is yes, you definately want them, you two need to part ways immediately. I know it isn't fun to think about, but the kids/no kids question is a dealbreaker. There is no way to have half a kid. The person who gives in to the other's wishes will only end up resenting the other and that is not fair to anyone, least of all the hypothetical kid. If his answer is that he is not sure about wanting kids, then you have some serious thinking and prioritizing to do.

  3. thebestmeicanbe Says:

    I think my bf would like kids. I just feel that he may want to see the world a bit more before settling down.

  4. wowitsawonderfullife Says:

    Yes, definitely ask him about kids and all sorts of other things. Does he think about getting married? What are his dreams, that sort of thing.

  5. whitestripe Says:

    don't forget that things can change. people's attitudes and likes/dislikes change, people realise they want things that they didn't want before.

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