I have been watching the news about Haiti and I am saddened and upset and frustrated and filled with a sense of not being able to help as much as I would like.

I would love to be able to get on a plane and go and help them. I feel like even though I have no Haitian ancestry (that I know of, though, we are related in reality, aren't we?), that I want to go and help them as I consider them to be my people.

I feel silly about worrying and stressing because I may have to eat beans for a week, when the people of Haiti, even before the quake, don't have such an option and might consider my quips to be like a wealthy tyrant complaining about the quality of their excesses. I donated money---the text feature made it easier for me to do so because I can pay that bill next month. I admit that if I had to pay the amount directly out of my checking account, I am not sure I would have made that choice. I know, that is such a selfish way to think in the midst of such a horrific occurrence.

I am frustrated by the images I am seeing on tv----about the pictures of those who have died--I understand that some media want to give a face to the tragedy that will move people to action. But I also feel like some of the pictures are a bit disrespectful to the dead. It is not that they should not be shown, for they should so people can get in touch with a place and a culture they may be far removed from. But, just some of the images seem so...disturbing....I am also frustrated by the images of the fighting and those that are spreading rumors and discouraging people from eating the offered food, etc. I dislike it because some people in the states will use those images to fuel their own inhumane rhetoric.

I am thinking that I will send more money. I feel so sad for what I am seeing on the tv, and so sad that people who already have such difficult lives have to endure such a monumental catastrophe. Just seeing the people with the hankerchiefs or hands over their faces is heart breaking. I have never smelled that smell, and I hope I never have to. I am saddened because I think that in chaos and when fighting for your life, you resort to a basic struggle, and I worry that for many that may be watching the news through eyes that already lack understanding, they may misinterpret that struggle for survival to reiterate their misunderstandings. I know and I hope that the majority of people watching do see the struggle for life and understand that they would possibly act in the same way if in the same situation.

I really feel like my life is meant to be of some good use. At times I wonder how much I really am helping people. I think at times that I am not happy because I don't feel like I have much purpose. I have seriously considered that if the life I want for myself does not happen (marriage, kids, house, pets), then I will hurl myself into some sort of an effort to help people who are in need of help and whom I may be able to provide help.

On the home front, I am slowly, very slowly, taking steps at improving myself. I worked on improving my appearance and making an effort at avoiding dressing down. I took the time to work on a home repair project that I saw constantly, yet didn't take the 20 minutes to fix. Why? Why would I do that? Tonight I fixed it and it made me smile. I know it is not a huge part of what needs to be done, but it is a good step. And for this new year I want to continue to make good steps and continuously work at doing the things that I need to do, that ultimately give me comfort and a sense of accomplishment.