My goal next month, though I already think it may not be possible, due to the paycheck schedule, is to avoid using my credit card. My part-time job has cut down on the hours, so I am already trying to figure out how I can save as much of my earnings as possible.

I did good food wise---my refrigerator is pretty well stocked on most items. Though, right now, I wish I could go out and buy some bread or something. But, I am super duper broke. Yep. And I am not going into my low, low, low emergency savings to borrow money for bread, because I overspent earlier in the month. Sigh.

So, I just have to deal with feeling a certain way when I am not able to buy that soda (which I probably don't need), or spend time with friends at an event that costs money.

I have really accepted that because of how I grew up, and how early I started working hard in my life, I have usually had a good amount of money on hand---hey, $20 bucks is super great when you are broke---you feel like you have so many options!

So, because for so many years I bought what I wanted, though never usually going to extreme, I do see that now, not being able to stop on the way home to pick up something I would like, but I don't need, is a bit, well, uncomfortable. It isn't painful, of course, but just makes me upset at myself for not budgeting well in the first place.

I am happy that I did stock up on certain food items at the beginning of the month, so even though my appetite has seriously dropped off a bit, I have food I can cook and eat if I get hungry, so I am not worried about having enough to eat. I may just have to deal with not wanting to eat what I want when I want it. I know, how quickly we become spoiled?

Also, I have long since realized that shopping, or even just browsing, helps to make me feel better. Maybe it makes me feel like I am actually worth something? I know, not a good way to think, but I am working on it.

If I manage my budget well, then I will be able to set aside some money from my part-time job. that is my goal. I want to have a lot more in savings, for when I want to buy extra healthy food, etc. I may not have enough money to go on vacation, and that is a bit of bummer.

I realized that with my ex, maybe my caring so much was a part of the problem. I think I try to take care of everything, but fail to take care of myself like I really should. I need to really just not be so consumed with trying to make sure everyone else is ok. I think the fact that I have maxed out my credit cards, even with earning more money, lets me know that I am clearly not taking care of myself.

I have been trying to make time for myself to relax and just be me and take care of me. It is helping. Now I need to work on the exercise aspect and I think I will start back at the gym. I hope it will help me with my weightloss.

Thanks to everyone who is going through a similar journey or who just doesn't mind listening to me ramble.