The past few weeks have been a bit difficult for me. I have been dealing with stress from so many different areas---love, work, family, finances. I have often felt like I was at the end of my rope, to be honestly.
On the family front I have been dealing with a relative whom I love so much, but whom is so disrespectful towards me. I lent him money a while ago, and he swore up and down he would pay me back, and he hasn't. He interacts in certain groups and gives donations, but won't even return my emails. I feel bad for him because he really is very lost in terms of him respecting his family. It is very sad and just both angers me and makes me feel hurt and sad because I love my relative and want him in my life in a good way, and not in the way where he is just disrespectful.
On the love front, the ex has been very jerky and is being that, I feel, as a way to justify maybe in his mind not repaying the bills he created or the loan, etc. It is very hurtful because I did so much to help him, and now I am dealing with trying to adjust my budget to pay those bills, and, feeling pretty hurt inside. I don't want to think of my ex as a bad person, but I am noticing the theme that he never apologizes and he always makes me feel like I am the bad person and that hurts a lot, because, well, who likes to feel like that? I don't want to be with him in that way, but I did want us to be able to remain friends.
On the work front, things have been hard. I don't feel respected, and some things occurred recently that just made me feel more like I am not respected, and that people don't see any of my good qualities. It really made me feel like maybe I am not as talented as I like to think I am. I am also very sad about the situation because I need my job, i am in a tough position financially, and I feel like my bosses will never see me as anyone that they would want to promote, based upon how they treat me. They did something that was so unbelievably rude that it just hurts my feelings. I can't talk to hr about it because they are a part of the situation, and well, they represent the bosses viewpoint. I feel like I have to keep doing my best, and yet, I may not be seen as worthy of anything better and that scares me so much. I have been in tears because of it.
On the finances front, I have been working jobs on the side to make ends meet and to be able to pay for the excess bills from my ex (the bills are in my name---I know, a stupid thing that I thought I would never have done, but thought I was being helpful at the time). It has been a bit hard, as I have had to juggle paying some bills later than I would like, but still within the time frame to avoid being considered late. sigh. I also find that when I am as stressed as I have been, I want to indulge in things like sweets and coffee drinks and buying little things to make me feel happy. I know that is not a good coping mechanism, but at least I am aware of my faults.
On the romance front, I have met a nice guy. He is very kind and super smart and we get along a lot better than me and my ex did. The main difference that I feel is that I do think my ex cared for me. I don't get that feeling from the new guy. It could be too soon, but, I dunno. I am also really more aware of the kind of person I want to settle down with, and that, yes, how they deal with money is an issue. I am not sure we are totally compatible money-wise and that worries me. I do like that he treats me very well, I just worry that my frugal-ness may irritate him, and I don't want that to be an issue, and I want someone who has the same financial goals that I have.
I have been feeling on the edge of a cliff for a while now. My health has not been so good and I have been dealing with some issues that scare me as well. I just feel like I have to keep on trucking and getting through things and that things will eventually get better. I am keeping my eyes open for better work possibilities, accepting that my ex and I may not be able to be friends, that my relative may never come to respect me, and that I may be single for a while and that I don't have to rush into a relationship and that whomever I choose to be with is someone that I will want to start a family with. I am thankful for my friends and family and of course, God first, for giving me the strength because at times I just feel like break down and crying. Sometimes it is good to cry.
I am thankful for everyone who reads my ramblings. It helps me to get out my thoughts and also to get the perspectives of people and their advice. I am sending all of you my deepest thank yous and care.
Money, money, money
September 19th, 2010 at 05:23 pm
September 19th, 2010 at 06:07 pm 1284919646
You poor dear!! If we were friend IRL, I'd like to give you a hug and treat you to Starbucks! That not being possible, I'll send a cyber hug and say that while I only know you through your posts, you are a geniune person with a good heart. It truly does suck to be taken advantage of -- in my experience, I ended up being more mad at myself for not seeing the writing on the wall or making excuses for other people. I think that first and foremost you need to be nice and kind to yourself. Do you have access to an EAP at work? It might help for you to talk with someone just to get all this stuff out. If your carrying baggage around with you, it might really affect the way you carry yourself and how others perceive you. I do think that you might have found someone to value you -- I wouldn't worry about anything happening "too soon" because if it is meant to be things will happen.
And while I can't really speak to the whole ex thing (having met my husband at 18, marrying at 20, and being married for 21 years), I can speak to the disappointment about the relative. While the situation might have been different (me not lending money), it does have to do with money being involved in the relationship. Unfortunately, my biological father has a substantial amount of money (my kids think he's rich, and he is), he uses his money to manipulate and everytime he said he would help me (college, offering a partial downpayment on our first house, paying for a wedding), he always withdrew the money based on stupid stuff - never made me feel like I was important, always made me feel second rate, and sadly he couldn't care less about his grandchildren. He did recently pay for my daughters dance dresses and then within a week he was mad at my husband who works for him part-time. Anyhow, an emotional divorce was in order again. Easy? No. For my own best interest? Yes. I have found that reliving the past just left me feeling crappy and we really didn't have a point where we ever started over. I was still the second class citizen/used baggage. I do remind myself that I am grateful for the type of man I married and how different of a father he is to our five kids.
I don't think there are any easy fixes here. I do think that if you take things one day at a time, things will improve gradually. I hope you have someone to talk to. I also hope that you treat yourself with TLC and don't get too bogged down by all of this. Life is too short not to be happy. And you can learn from your previous situations.
Take care, dear.
September 19th, 2010 at 06:17 pm 1284920263
thank you so much for your kind words!
Thank you for your support. I always enjoy your comments and advice.
September 19th, 2010 at 07:38 pm 1284925126
Good luck.
((HUGS))
September 19th, 2010 at 08:29 pm 1284928182
September 20th, 2010 at 02:16 am 1284948963
I have been having a rough time a bit lately too and the things that really help me with my mood seem to be the little things. Exercise especially - walks (with a little music sometimes) can really lift my spirit. I have borrowed yoga dvds from the library, read books (library again!) for escape.
Also, and I know I'm a dork - I enjoy puzzles. I picked up a few jigsaw puzzles from yard sales. But there are plenty of free games/puzzles online. Jigzone has jigsaw puzzles - there are also free card game sites & also Soduku.
Taking time for yourself can be hard with work and family and friends and just life. But make it a priority - believe me, it makes a difference. Take care of yourself!