Where I live, I am surround, literally, by people who make a lot more money than I do. I am surrounded by shops that I wouldn't dream of shopping in because of their prices, and shops that I would love to shop in, if I could, but can't, because the prices are so prohibitive.

I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with money and being happy. I have been super more relaxed and happy when I had a decent amount of emergency savings. I felt more at a place where I can afford to dream about what I want in my life and what I want to accomplish, when I had more saved.

Now, I find myself growing anxious at times. I know that the finish line for paying off debt will only be maybe 2 more years, but I feel anxious nonetheless. I think about the things I want to do----fleeting away to a different city on a very much needed vacation (something I haven't been able to do because of lack of money) and just feeling carefree as I stroll down the sidewalks---to the extreme worry about having a family. If I don't get married or find a partner, then, how can I afford going to a doctor for family planning? If I don't have a good amount of savings, how can I be a single mom? Of course, I know you can make a family without a lot of money, but I don't want to make things harder for my kids, either. I know, the last thought is probably just my worries spiraling out of control, but I am just telling it like it is.

I do realize that growing up not having things makes me feel like I have this desperate feeling a lot of the time. If I don't have money in the bank, I feel weird. Anxious. Uncomfortable. I have been through much worse financial times than this, I just think that maybe I am really upset for being my age and going through this. Like, I should be more responsible with my spending. At times, it is hard me to hear others talk about not having money when they have money in their budget, every month, for things like clothes, etc. Or when they are buying big ticket electronic items for their house (not apartment). So, at times it is hard for me to relate to. Though, I know it is all my issue and not theirs. If I had more excess money after my bills, I might do the same thing.

I wonder, is being rich the finish line? Is it okay to reach a certain income and not earn more? I feel like I am ok with just being comfy---if I could have my emergency savings back, be able to buy coffee drinks when I want, be able to afford routine vacations, then I would be happy, I think.

This month I went crazy a bit on toiletries and spent like 35 bucks on them. I didn't really need them, and could have gone without. And I could have saved that 35 bucks for something else, and I would feel far more comfortable right now if I had it back. Sigh. I think when I am feeling blue, that is the hardest time for me to fight an impulse buy, though to be honest, I can walk through a store for hours and not feel bad about walking out without buying anything. I do agree that less is more at times. But I am not sure that is true when it comes to money.

As I am sitting here and counting how much available credit I have on my cc cards, cash in my checking account, and the days left until pay day, I do wonder if the want of money is the root of all evil.


I do feel upset, tense, frustrated, and just upset at myself for not making better money choices---for not being more frugal when buying food or impulsive buys, for being in a situation where I at first wanted to set aside some money from my part-time check to put towards savings, towards now wondering if I have enough just to get through until pay day.

Pretty upset at myself about it, and yes, the want of money is problematic. Now I feel like I didn't budget as good as I should have, and when I want to buy a food item that is healthy or just tastes good, I may not be able to. So, then there is that whole deprived feeling. Ugh. This is a common pattern and I wonder what happened to me in regards to my money. I used to be so much better, fiscally, and I would save as much as possible. Could it be just that my overhead was lower? Could it be I used my cc's for so long that they became a part of my income? Sigh. Having bad thoughts of withdrawing money from my retirement account just so I can have money in the bank if I ever need it. I know I shouldn't do that because of the penalties. I also know that I will pay off a huge bill soon, and that will give me over $100 more to use in my budget. I just have to be patient. It still is a bit tiring at times.

So, I have been contemplating my life lately---what I want to accomplish, who am I as a person, what do I contribute to the world, who am I meant to be, will I have the life that I want, etc.

I am happy I got my tax return, but about half of it went to bills and repaying my family member. And the other part went to just routine stuff around the house. Sigh. On a positive note, I should be able to save a good chunk from my part-time work, so that will be good for me. I want to be able to increase my savings, since it is pathetically low right now. Really. The part-time work has been helping me to feel comfortable, to be honest. I have been buying the food I want to eat (healthier), stuff I need for my apartment, and just let me bit a lot more comfortable than before. I do recognize that I need to get back on track with sticking with my food budget. I also need to do what mom's around the world have been doing for ages, and write up my freaking weekly menu. Can you believe I have never done that? have had meals in mind for a period of time and have bought food according to what I thought I would need for the week, but I have never actually seriously made a weekly meal plan so that when I shop I can stick to buying only what I plan on making that week. I definitely have a problem with food spoilage, and I need to stop that.

The situation with the ex is the usual. We talk sporadically, I get emotional cause we still aren't really discussing much, and I also end up getting frustrated because he is still having difficulties with his family and it is hard to see him go through that. I do, however, really want us to remain as friends. I do realize that whatever money he owed me he may not be able to repay, and that he may not be able to help me every month as he had wanted to. He has a lot of financial stuff he is dealing with right now, and it makes me sad to see how stressed out he is. Also, he made some comments that made me feel like he sees me as just another stressor in his life. I am going to just focus on me for a while. I think that we both need to work on ourselves in order to be better friends towards each other.

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want and if i will be happy. I admit that I don't feel happy a lot of the time. I am not depressed, as I laugh like tons and my humor is still good---when I have been depressed, I noticed how much I lacked the ability to laugh at things. So now, my laughter and humor is good.

I am worried about money and my future. Because I made stupid financial mistakes, and shopped when I was depressed (nothing ever fancy, but still, shopping is still spending money), I am now a bit broker than I would like to be. I should be saving tons of money right now. sigh. And if I end up alone when i am older, then I will need a lot of savings to do certain things in my life that I always wanted to do. Sigh.

I am working as hard as I can right now, so I can't work much harder than I am. I just need to work on saving money better. I have been eating better and improving my home, so at least I feel my extra money is to good use.

I have been doing more things for myself to feel better. It does cost money (new skincare items that are good for my face), so that is the negative part of it. But I am not being excessive about it.

I am working very hard at self-improvement right now. I am also taking a break from dating. I just don't feel interested in dealing with all of that, ya know?

I am just going to work on saving money, getting myself and my house together, and being happy.

I also have to admit that a lot of my fear about being with a person is my fear of being alone, old, and destitute. I see how older women are treated in my city, and I am so afraid of becoming that way. I feel like people treat older women (especially if they are not as attractive), in a negative and more disposable way. I worry about being viewed that way. I already have people seeing through me at times. I just worry about being alone and not having anyone that could help me if I need it, even if the reality is that usually I am the person who is helping my friends or trying to be the stable one. I need to get my emergency savings back up to the previous amount I had (over $10,000 at one point..sigh). If I had a decent amount of emergency savings, I would feel more comfortable.

So, today I looked at my checking account and was running the figures in my head and whatnot and I am feeling ok. Yes, my food budget is depleted for the month---but I have a lot of protein and rice and I need to only buy maybe $20 bucks worth of food at the most, so I am not feeling too bad. I could borrow that amount from my money for next month's bill.

My bf gets paid on Friday, and he will give me some money relating to tolls and gas and whatnot. I know I have to pay some money for extra tolls, and I am thinking it will hopefully be no more than an extra $25 bucks.

I will be getting more money than usual next month, so I am going to save the majority of it, and take some of it to get my car fixed...time for a tune-up. I really wish I knew how to do that stuff myself...or rather, I wish my mechanic wasn't so freakin expensive! They do good work...but they are pricey!

Sorry about the comments issues----I would have to change the text and background color in order to change the text color on my comments section. Not sure which color to choose at this time. In the meantime, you can "highlight" the comment boxes (aka select as well), and that will let you be able to view the comments.

So, here I am...still in my early 30s, and contemplating my baby making factory abilities. I worry...When will I have kids? When will I be able to have kids? When will I be financially stable enough to have kids? What if I am not able to?

Part of me is kicking myself in the rear...why didn't I think ahead? Why didn't I start saving for being a mom years and year and years ago?!?! What about health and all of that?

I am working on my health so I can have children. I acknowledge that I have been saying that for a while...and at my age I have to do it rather than just say it again and again. My primary goal is to be a healthy mom so my future kids can have me around for a long time.

Yes, I want plural. I want 3 or more. Yes, I know they are expensive. But if I can manage the shelter, improve my cooking of healthy foods, and health insurance, I can make everything else work. I grew up poor....and some of the best times in my life were just regular sit down dinners at home...this was of course before things got hectic...but that is another story for another time.

I worry about the money aspect of having children. For some reason today, I got filled with a bit of fear...how much is insurance for a kid? Will I have enough for braces (yeah, I had bad teeth as a youth---they are much better now!), omg! I know that rationally if I just keep truckin along, my debt will be paid by the time I plan on starting a family. I still get scared though, to be honest. I don't want to not have children. I know that my self-worth isn't dependent upon being married or having kids, but for me, in how I view myself, I really, really, really want to be a mom. I want to be a healthy mom (making ants on a log for my kids---with all natural peanut butter of course, none of that sugar added stuff!), a mom with a lot of energy, a mom who is able to play an active and happy role in the lives of her children.

I live in an expensive city and so, owning a home seems still like a faraway dream. But, my goal is to have a home by the time I am 40.

My bf. He is a good man, and we have discussed children, and have agreed that now is not the right time. I wouldn't want to have a child at this time in my life...I want to have more flexibility and surplus spending money in my budget---diapers cost money...cute little stuff monkeys with hats and jackets cost money, you get the drift. He also has his own responsibilities, and I think we would have to discuss things more and work on a budget or spending plan so that there isn't much friction regarding finances---I am more strict, he is more relaxed, and as such, we usually cause each other a bit of stress when discussing money.

I did good today---no stopping at a store or drive thru for anything. I came straight home and had a yummy dinner of cereal and it was pretty good. I am taking vitamins that my doctor suggested, and just focusing on losing more weight. Right now I am about 16-17lbs away from my 2nd weightloss goal. I am very excited about that as I haven't weighed that much in over 2 years.

I know that people say there isn't any good time to have a baby...and I wonder...for those with debt, or not much surplus cash---how did you do it?

So, in the past few days I have written and re-written and continuously calculate my budget for May.

I have paid most of my bills and so right now I am working with about $74 the represents my food money for the rest of the month. Needless to say, I somehow overspent, and don't have tons and tons of food to show for it. I spent about $55+ bucks on food so far, and $9 or so was for take out. So, I would like to spend maybe $40 more bucks and focus on protein and yogurt.

I lost some weight and am really happy about that.

I made some black beans and rice on Sunday, and put the beans in the freezer---which freaks out my bf---but I explained that I want to slow down the aging of the beans as I won't eat any today and I am trying to make them last longer. Yeah, he thinks I am a bit loopy when it comes to my freezing food items. He doesn't come from a family that freezes a lot of their food, and I come from a family where I learned to freeze loaves of bread and gallons of milk.

I have 2 packs of chicken in the freezer, plus the beans, plus eggs and fruit and yogurt, so I am not hurting for food at all this week.

I need to buy a water bottle and vitamins tomorrow, so I am hoping that my 20% off coupon helps me a lot.

Money is something that I love to talk about. Money is also something that I feel consumes a large part of my personality. I have friends that I can discuss money issues with, and friends for whom the topic is a bit touchy and I don't feel comfy having those types of conversations with.

I grew up very poor---eating in soup kitchens, government cheese, finding that a mouse had bitten its way into my desired jar of peanut butter, and loving the $3.50 rice plates. Yes, beef and broccoli was usually my favorite pick.

Now I make a middle class income, and live in an expensive city where some people don't think my income is so middle class.

I grew up not having much and being constantly ridiculed for it. This led me to become very anti-label and anti-pricey items. I would prefer to spend money on a plane ticket than a designer bag. I wear my jeans until there are holes in them, and while I love technology, I am still using a cell phone that is 2 years old.

Money shapes how I am feeling---when I have a lot of savings, I am very happy and content, even if I have debt. When I don't have a lot of savings, I am more worried and anxious. I am working on overcoming how my money situation affects me as I know it isn't the best.

Right now I am working on paying off my debt....I anticipate having all of my debt paid off in under 3 years.

I totally heart traveling, and without adequate savings, I just can't justify going on any trips at this time. So, my urge to see the world is stifled a bit.

I really appreciate this type of blog because I think that money is one of those things that people cannot always talk openly about. On here, I can gripe and smile and be open about how I am feeling and hopeful that people may have simimar concerns or understandings.