The Best Me I Can Be Personal Finance Blog

So this week has been super duper stressful. Not as stressful as the previous week, but stressful nonetheless.

I had a talk w/ my bf, and did say that if he intends on spending more nights at my place, then he has to contribute the full amount that we agreed to. He said ok, but he also said he didn't want to discuss it. Sigh. It is very hard talking to him about budgeting. He usually only wants to talk about it the day after he is paid, whereas I am making out my budget 2 months in advance, and checking and rechecking it again and again and again. I still end up overspending, but again, it is primarily on food.

I don't feel that he is being cheap or not paying me intentionally, I just think the reality is that he isn't making enough to cover everything that he has to take care of in his life right now. I know that he gives me a lot, and he gives me more than people I dated who made 3x what he earns. I feel bad that he is having a hard time. I also let him know that his contribution is solely to cover the expense of food (Again, food is freaking expensive! And he AND I have really big appetites, so, frozen tv dinners are 1) not going to fill us up and 2) super processed and not a great option anyway.

The whole celebrity pregnancy thing is beginning to irk me a bit. I want to be a mom, but both health-wise, financial-wise, and relationship-wise, I am not ready. My close friend (whom I don't talk to very often, and i usually end up initiating contact), made a comment that I need to hurry up and start if I want to be a mom. She and her husband are my friends, and they have ALOT of family support, and are making things work for their family. I wish that my friend would initiate more contact with me, but that is another topic....

Back to celebrity pregnancy....I am irked that Kendra Wilkinson is super duper pregnant and married to what appears to be a really level-headed and great guy. She seems to have the brains of a....well, she really doesn't seem to have any brains. I know that is catty, and I am sorry, but when I keep hearing about how she is having to adjust to life outside of the Playboy mansion (not working then, either), and throwing her clothes out of her dresser onto the floor in order to "see them", and then just leaving them on the floor, it gets a bit depressing. She seems to be living a very comfortable life, and I am just not sure what hardwork she did to get it, ya know?

Then Kourtney Khardashian (who I used to actually like and who actually works), gets pregnant, and makes all these public comments about how she got pregnant by accident. Sigh.

I know that life doesn't always make sense, and realizing that life isn't always equal, has helped me to just accept things and get through a lot of tough times in my life. I never questioned the death of my parents at a young age, I never questioned why my family was homeless, or any other of my life experiences. I do admit that lately, I am feeling a bit downtrodden because, I really just want the simple life, ya know? I just want to have a modest, married life, with children and stability. It seems so easy for some people.

I am really going to try and do the vegetarian thing when I get my paycheck. I am thinking of all of the food I will be able to buy when I get paid. I went to get a few necessities this morning (water, cat food, fruit) and I really felt a bit....stifled?...when I passed by Trader Joe's. All I wanted to do was go in there, buy a dozen eggs and some raw spinach and yet, I knew that I only had like 12 bucks remaining credit on my credit card, so, I didn't go in. They weren't open at that time (opening in a few minutes), so that really helped me to avoid the urge as well.

I have been lately dreaming of going on a mini-shopping spree---to me that would consist of body spray ($10), pens ($6), coffee drink ($3), tea ($4), and lots of walking around a mall. I dream of going to IKEA (it gives me inspiration about redecorating my apartment), and just walking aimlessly down the aisles...transporting myself to some envisioned idea of what Sweden and the Netherlands look like (is IKEA from Sweden or the Netherlands? Or am I totally thinking of the wrong countries?).
I haven't gone on a real vacation since 2007, and it is definitely calling out to me. I have taken days off to help my bf, etc., but, haven't done my typical vacation where I have no schedule to adhere to, etc.

thank you all for letting me vent. I know that despite my grumblings and complaints, I am very blessed. I am just a bit stressed and irritated right now and I am hoping I can relax today and recharge my energy.

That is my way of saying that I am feeling a tad bit on the irritable side today.

Sigh.

The weather is warm, and I am just not feeling like sweating like a stuck pig on the way home.

I was doing some reading online yesterday, and I want to give up wheat and dairy for a week and see how my body deals with it. Yeah, but that part costs money...so I am going to think about how I am going to manage it.

I really need to do some journaling because I am just feeling tired and irritable and sad. I just want to spend this weekend cleaning, relaxing, and catching up on reading all of the books I checked out of the library...I don't take enough time for reading like I used to.

I also realize that I need to take better care of myself in terms of sleeping. I get maybe 5-6 hours of sleep per night, and most nights, because my boyfriend comes in late, I am woken up 1 or 2 times during the middle of the night. I think that is beginning to make me more tired.

I am going to get some vitamins soon and really start trying to get more rest. I have been looking into seeing if I am having adrenal fatigue and one of the things I read about that is that a veggie and fruit filled diet and plenty of rest really helps the adrenals.

I changed the text color so now people can read the comments! I hope the blue is not too tough on the eyes.

I don't think my doctor is very fond of me right now. Sigh. I really want his support, but I just can't accept some of the things he says because it is from more of a western medicine view point and some of the things he says goes against everything I have been studying for years....sigh.

I realize that I guess I have money issues.
When I am stressed or happy, I am not so cautious of my spending---now mind you, not being cautious in my world means getting a cup of coffee or buying some needed food that tastes good. It doesn't mean buying a book or buying clothes or dvds for fun.

I started to think about how much I went into my savings this month, and I almost started crying. I added how much I spent on food---shopping at really cheap stores, no whole paycheck for me. And I spent about $300 more on food than I should have...i checked and I spent about $200 on food in the first 2 weeks.

I just don't know what to do....I really don't. I am eating leftovers for lunch, avoiding eating out whenever possible, buying bulk rolls of 24 ct. for $1.50 and having 5 rolls for breakfast (not good for my diet, of course), and just so mad at myself for all of it.

I will also have to speak with my bf. He knows I am having money problems, but so is he, and he isn't good at budgeting (neither am I, it appears, but I do put up a good attempt, I think---at least I write things out--doesn't that count?), and so, the past 2 months he hasn't been contributing what we agreed upon...and it is mainly because he has had family stuff come up. I don't want to stress him out, but I will have to let him know that we are going to have to stick with our agreement if he stays with me...which, due to a crowded situation at his family's house, he may be staying with me. I am okay with that, but I realize that even a couple of trips per week to the cheapo market is still maybe $50 bucks, and that adds up quickly. Sigh.

I feel very sad right now. I am going to look for a part-time job and next month, I am going to fully commit myself to writing down every single thing I buy. And, i am going to use my debit card more---I find that the loose cash is easier for me to change and I forget what I spent it on when I am not writing things down.

I really just feel like crying. And the honest truth is that if I had 3-6 months of cash savings, i wouldn't be worrying about the debt i would have. I would pay it off of course, but not having the savings and not being able to get more credit is really stressing me out.

thank you all for letting me vent. I am not sure I can talk to many people about how i feel. I feel like you all understand some of where I am coming from, and i really appreciate all of your comments (sorry, i can't change the white background without then changing my blog page...and I am not sure if I want to use blue color or yellow color on a black background...I think it may be more difficult to see).

Love you all.

Right now I am a bit super duper stressed, and in a wanting mode.

And of course while my main want would be to have an emergency savings of at least 3-6 months, I realize that may take a while to build up, and my current wants are on a much smaller level.

I am wanting to wander aimlessly through a mall, drinking something cool and sweet, and just being able to relax. I don't need to buy anything, window shopping is plenty relaxing for me.

I am wanting to just hunker down in a cafe and read a good book and write and not be stressing about wether or not I should really be buying a coffee drink.

I am wanting to buy some healthy food options, but right now, I am eating leftovers and some frozen items as away of not wasting food.

I know that in the big scheme of things, my wants sound pretty darn pathetic. I am very blessed to be even able to have the ability to go to a cafe and relax and read, versus working full time during the week and again on the weekends like I used to do. I know that this wanting is just because I am pretty darn ticked off at myself---ticked off for not saving more money from part-time job (I got into the feel good phase and had excess cash when I was dating---perhaps I spent too much on food and luxury items--like excess trips to target, and cheap bodyspray) and ticked off for just not being as frugal as I really need to be.

I am also having this wanting phase because I have been super poor, and I have been middle class (still middle class I suppose, just have a lot of debt) and even though it is good to curb my spending, when I am stressed and depressed, then I tend to want to shop or buy things....even cheap little dollar things.

So, I will just have to go home and write out my thoughts, and maybe over the weekend I will do the aimless window shopping...thinking about how I want my life to be (I like to window shop in home improvement stores....)

I know that I am blessed to be able to eat food and not have to go hungry. I know that so many people in our country and our world go without food every single day. And that is a travesty, indeed. We don't have food shortages in our world, we have inequality in whom and which people and cultures and countries we allow to have food.

I have been trying to do more cooking and I am getting better at it, for sure. I sometimes get a bit irritated that while I want to go and buy veggies and spices and try all these new recipes, I need to watch my food budget. I have enough money for food, and am sooooo far from ever being hungry---it is more along the lines of, "Do I get to treat myself with yummy veggies and health food shakes, or do i get the box of 16 corn dogs for $5.99 (which turns out to be .37 cents per chicken corn dog)." I won't lie, most often times I get the corn dogs as I thinking that I will eat 2 or 3 per meal serving. sigh.

I have been eating more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Primarily because they are cheap.

I know I shouldn't complain...I should just become a much better cook!!

So, here I find myself again...almost the end of the month, eagerly awaiting my paycheck, and seeming amazed at why I went into my savings account.

I didn't do like I was supposed to, which was write out everything I bought through out the month. And so now I find myself again, hoping that I can somehow get it together and write out my spending habits for all of September so I can track to see what I am overspending on.

Of course, my main goal is to stay within my budget...the recent auto expenses made me dip significantly into my savings...I was already $140 or so dollars short to pay for some needed maintenance, and then I find myself another $200+ bucks short when I had to fix another issue. Sigh.

I am really worried and I hope that I can get it together for next month. The reason being that my pay will shrink by maybe $160-$180 bucks due to paycuts, and I am going to have to seriously figure out how I am going to pay all of my bills with less money.

I know that this month I primarily overspent on food. Yep, just food. Nothing fancy. Just food.

Next month I am going to challenge myself even more to not use my credit card or go into my savings.

My friend's family member is having a baby. I am very happy, and also feeling the baby fever. I am not delusional and I realize that right now is not the best time to have a baby, and yet, the fear is growing in me. I hope I can relax about it a bit. Funny, but when I was younger, I was very much against having children biologically, and really only wanted to adopt. Sigh. Maybe I will change my way of thinking about it? Not sure.

I do know that I tend to spend more when I am stressed....I just want to relax and get my mind off of it, and that tends to make me buy fast food or coffee drinks a bit more freely.

I had a discussion with a family member and she told me some things about not wanting to see similarities between me and my mom, because she has negative memories of my mom (who is deceased). Wow. I am not sure really how to take that. I wasn't mad at her, I just told her that I hope that at some point she can see good similarities.
It has made me feel a bit at odds because I just don't know how I am supposed to think about that.

So, this past week was definitely a stressful one to put it mildly.

I finally got my car fixed and I am SOOO happy about that. Having a car is a really big piece of freedom in so many ways---I would not be able to save money on groceries and necessities if I did not have a car that allowed me to get from place to place.

My boyfriend and I are doing better. We still love each other and that is the important thing, and we are still helping each other and I think we will decide later if we want to get married or if we will be better as friends, ya know?

My friend is pregnant with her 2nd baby, and I am very happy for her, and also a bit sad for myself. I know that I am not ready to have a kid right now because 1) money issues, and 2) I want to be healthier before I get pregnant so I can have a better pregnancy and reduce the risk of complications and 3) I am not married and my boyfriend isn't ready for children right now. So, those are 3 really big reasons to not have a child now. But as I am creeping towards 35, I am getting really scared.

Sometimes I feel that my life is sooooo.....un-normal. Not abnormal, just not average or your run of the mill background, ya know? And while I think everything I have experienced only helps to make me a better person, I really worry if I will have a chance at being normal. I really want to just be married, have kids, and cook and take care of my family. That is normal for me, and I sometimes just don't understand it when i see other people who are maybe a bit superficial, etc., have these "normal" lives. Sometimes it just seems that things come easier for them, and when you take the fact that they aren't always the nicest people, or the most hardworking, it is a little saddening.

So, there are times when I feel a bit close to tears about the baby thing. I have a couple of years before I hit the 35, but still, I am beginning to be worried.

This week will be busy, so I am trying to focus on getting most of my cleaning done today so I can relax a bit more this week after work.

My savings is as low as it have ever been since my early 20s, and at times i am so sad I just have to laugh cause there isn't much I can do. I have been looking for part-time work, and with about 13% unemployment in my state, it is hard to find part-time work. People think it is easy, but really, it is more difficult than ever before.

So, I had a good talk w/ my boyfriend and we did touch on the topic of the possibility that we may not be the best match for each other.

He apologized for speaking to the other woman, and he stated that he didn't want to be alone. Of course, I know that is a slippery slope, and while nothing physical happened, I don't like that they conversed.

We did have some discussion about how we communicate, and I did open up that I feel like we need to work on certain things, and he opened up that sometimes when he talks to me, he feels that I am sometimes judgemental, or that I am trying to solve his problems, when he just wants to vent. I know that this is a problem that I have in general.

I did talk with him about our future together and the possibility that it we may be better as friends, as we don't want to be the old couple who, as he puts it, argues over silly stuff in the supermarket (he hates to argue, and yeah, I am a bit argumentative).

Right now, we are taking a bit of a breather. He will be living else where, and he really needs to focus on his ill parent as their health is getting worse.

I am sad in some ways, but also I feel ok, like I am glad we talked and shared how we feel about things.

I am feeling very odd right now.

I am both sad, but not boo-hooing like crazy. I am frightened that I may not find another person who accepts me like my boyfriend has (oh my, do I have a lot of flaws!), and also I feel like maybe I knew for a while that I am maybe not the best person for him (and vice versa).

He recently contacted me and said that he is going to move in with his mom. I let him know that I still care for him, and want to be supportive during these times, but that I must have respect in my relationships. We are supposed to talk about this later....not sure when, though.

He will move his stuff today or tomorrow.

I feel very sad cause I dislike stressing him out this much and I know that sleeping on the couch at his mom's is not where he really wants to be. I also feel like he knew that I felt uncomfortable him talking to this girl that he has flirted with, especially since she really does like him, and the fact that he initiated contact with her has really made me wonder about how much I can trust him.

Is it right to feel sad about his situation? Am I being too much of the proverbial push over? Am I ignoring my own feelings? I feel like I cannot just turn off my heart, and yet, I am aware of the possibility that while he encourages me to be the best I can be, I am not really sure that I do the same of him. I appreciate his sense of being a more go with the flow person, but I can't say that he appreciates my desire for organization and planning, etc.

Can I be in denial?

I really feel like my boyfriend talking to this other woman is 1) emotional cheating and 2) I don't think he would have done physical cheating, and I think that there may be things that are lacking in our relationship.

He has been so kind to me and so accepting, and I just have this feeling, in some ways, that he wouldn't necessarily cheat on me, but that right now we haven't made time for each other, and he was lonely.

I guess that is me making excuses, huh?

I don't feel that he is a bad person, AND I don't condone what he did at all. I do think that he probably wanted to spend some time with someone, and I wasn't available, but it doesn't make it ok, ya know?

It is weird....I feel so much love for him and I also think that maybe we just don't have enough of what we need in a partner?

I feel bad about having this argument at this time. And I also realize that if he had not spoken to the other woman, that we wouldn't have had this argument in the first place.

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and support. I am sorry about the not being able to see the comments....if you highlight the boxes, then you can read the comments. I haven't been able to make the text color white, and not have it affect the comments section.

So, how do I remain supportive and friendly and caring, and still receive respect from him?

So, I woke up today feeling...well...lighter. I am still very sad about my bf and me. And I am also feeling like maybe I knew for a while that we weren't compatible, but I was hoping that things would get better once this difficult time passes.

I am also frustrated a bit that he hasn't contacted me. My friend said that he can understand a guy being in the wrong, and just not having an answer for it because he doesn't want to argue with the girlfriend.

I know that my boyfriend has never been into princess-like women. He prefers low maintenance women. I guess I am more of a regular gal, don't need a lot of fuss or frills. But still, I want to feel like I am valued and wanted. And sometimes, when he does things like this, I feel like maybe he has too much going on in his life right now to deal with relationship issues, and/or he just may not have the energy to put into the relationship.

I don't know. I am going to wait until tonight to text him. I really feel like he should be the one texting me, so I am saddened that he hasn't reached out to me.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I have to accept that my boyfriend's attempt at speaking with someone else, is a signal that there is something missing in our relationship. I am saddened because I felt that aspect, and I know that perhaps I am not the most carefree person, and I don't really know that with my background I can be carefree about things.

I feel bad because even though I am very hurt, I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I don't want to not be there for him during these hard times. My friends keep telling me that he is a grown man and he will be fine and that I don't need to always be so supportive.

I do hope that he and I can be friends. I am more hurt than angry, but I am also adult enough to know that I did feel like he may want someone that is less serious. He doesn't like the idea of budgeting, and I am doing budgets multiple times a week. He doesn't like planning a weekend, and I like having my weekend planned out at least the Friday before.

I go back and forth from sadness to feeling like this is just a stage in our relationship. Sometimes I feel sad that he told this other person that she is the only one whom he can do certain things with, and other times I feel like he is someone I care about and I think that there is love between us and that we can always be friends. And then there is the fear that I won't find someone who accepts me as much as he does. I am afraid about that, as I have dated people before who made fun of how much I earned and who really made fun of my trying to be better at budgeting. Both people belittled me for coming from a poor background, or for being concerned about having an emergency savings and all of that.

Today was an emotional day. I am feeling sad and blue, and just overwhelmed and stressed. Thank all of you for letting me vent.

I don't know what I am going to do money-wise. part of the deal about my bf moving in was that he would pay a small amount and that would help me with food and the pay cut. But so far it feels like I have been spending more on food and items per month. So I am really hoping that I can get a 2nd job to help pay for things.

My head hurts because of stress and crying. I am sad, and yet, I feel like I kind of knew that maybe I wasn't the best person for my bf.

Sigh.

Sorry, but I can't reply via the comments section, so I am doing it here.

Mental cheating to me, is talking with another person whom you know likes you.

An example would be confiding in another person, about things you may not talk with your SO about, and that other person is definitely into you romantically.

I know it is a fine line, but for me, I don't have a problem with having friends of the opposite sex (most of my friends are guys). I do think it can be sort of problematic or tempting if you have a friend of the opposite sex who is interested in you romantically, and you are spending time with them.

I am facing a pretty hard situation right now. The man I love, whom I know loves me, may not be the best person for me. I am not sure that I make him happy as we don't have the same intersts and I worry that he may be bored.

He did something disrespectful (not horrible like physical cheating, but that mental cheating that ticks some of us women off) and I had asked him not to do it, and he did it again recently. I couldn't go with him to do a fun activity that he enjoys because it is late at night and I have to get up early for work. He has asked me to do things with him (more dating things), but things are hard right now, our schedules are different, so we haven't really been able to spend couple time 2gether, even though we are living together. It is not like I don't want to, it is just that I work different hours than he has, plus cooking and cleaning, and I am worn out a lot on the weekends.

He is going through some really hard times and I feel like it would be not the best thing to just kick him out. I do care for him and I just wonder that maybe we aren't the best union. It is so hard because we have both never found someone who accepted each other and loves each other the way we do. How do you balance that with a severe lack of mutual interests?

Our relationship has been good, but it has also been filled with life hardships....he has had to take care of his sick parents and that has really stressed him out. so a majority of our relationship has been just trying to survive together and make it through these difficult financial times.

I am not sure what to do. Part of me feels like we should remain friends and put the romance part on hold. Not sure.

I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive towards me. I was feeling bad earlier today, and after some journaling and reading everyone's comments, I am feeling much better.

I am actively working on the part-time job and hopefully increasing my savings. I am also focusing on the fact that I usually have a sizeable federal tax return each year, so I am hoping that will help me.

I wasn't good this month with tracking what I spent money on (which was primarily only food and coffee---no lavish anything, except some blue cheese earlier this month, Yum!).

I am just going to try and focus on doing the best I can and trying to not focus on things that aren't productive.

I am feeling really weird right now. On one hand, I am super stressed out about money and life and whatnot. I am trying to work harder and faster, I am trying to help someone I love who is dealing with their loved one who is dying, and I am trying to deal with my own issues of feeling financially insecure.

And on another hand, I feel this weird comfort at times. I have been dirt poor before and eating in soup kitchens, so part of me feels like being broke is not uncommon.

It is hard to explain this feeling. On one hand there is the fear of being homeless and I cannot explain how today, I felt on the verge of tears. Just overwhelmed. I need to fix things, and I don't have the money to do that, and I am in a situation where I am counting out every little bit and am slowly (or not so slowly) seeing my savings dwindling.

I know that I am far better off than other people. I have a job and I have a roof over my head and I have food. So I am doing ok.

I have applied for some part-time jobs, and I hope that it goes well.

Being the oldest, I have always been the ones my siblings turn to. My friends think I am good with money (in some ways I am, in other ways I am not), and they usually come to me for help or advice.

Now that money is tight, I have been asking for help more. I mean, in some ways, I am more comfortable sharing my thoughts on here, than maybe talking to my friends. Part of it is because I don't want to appear like I am whinning about things.

My sis is going to lend me money to fix my car. Woo hoo!! I am sooo happy! It was really hard for me to ask her, because at times we have a strained relationship and I have always been the one to lend her money or help her out. When I was telling her about the pay cuts, she offered to help, and my usual response was that things will be ok and that I will make things work out. Well, when I realized that my car repair would make my savings go lower than they have been for maybe a decade, then it made me realize it may be best to ask for help. And she is helping me! And I am so happy! It is hard, because it is hard for me to depend on people. I realize I need to work on that, because it may affect how I make others feel.

I am not sure if I am going to tell my bf that my sis is letting me borrow money. I am not sure if that will stress him out (he wants to help me more, and sometimes, when he is not able to, I think he gets overwhelmed and frustrated) and I know he has got so much he is already doing for his family, so I don't want to make him feel more stressed.

I am a much more cheerful person when my money is better....even if I have debt, I still feel more comfortable knowing I have my emergency savings. I am going to start looking for a part-time job so I can build up my savings.

I am tempted to go into my 401k, or do debt consolidation...but I know that isn't the best thing. I just need to get thru these tough times and realize that I have been far poorer and through far worse economic times. I just need to stay strong.

I was thisclose to crying at work today. I had some unexpected car trouble, and the prospect of digging deep into my super small amount of savings was a bit much to deal with. I was already planning on going into my savings to pay for some much needed standard maintenance things for my car, and now to hear I may need to spend a few hundred dollars more, well, it really made me a bit sad.

And it didn't help that I had some much needed chores to do, and having a car that isn't working doesn't make it easy to wash clothes and whatnot. Sigh. So, today I felt I looked a little disheveled. Tomorrow, I will get up very early and clean. I probably need my sleep, but clean clothes are super important. I am just hoping my car can hold out until I can get her fixed, and I hope it isn't too expensive.

I told my bf that I am going to try and get a part-time job in addition to my full-time job. I don't think he liked it very much. But I think it is because he wants to help me with bills, and he may take my wanting to get a 2nd job as something where I am not depending on him. That isn't the case. I just want to have more money so I can pay for things like car repairs, etc., and not have to stress him out about needing money.

On a good note, my cooking is getting so much better!! I made some chicken breasts and they were sooo yummy and moist! I also made a new rice recipe, and I think my bf loved it...and all it had was chopped cilantro, salt, and lime! A nice light flavor!

My relative wants to give me money for gas when I visit her. While I could definitely use it, I am not sure if I want to do that. My sis also told me to ask her if I need any help with money. It is weird because I could ask for help, but I know she works really hard and I make more money than she does, so I don't feel it would be right to ask her for money.

I know that if I just keep on keeping on, things will be ok. It is just getting through the rough economy right now that is tripping me out. I have even considered borrowing from my 401k, but I want to save that as a last resort.

I am just trying not to stress too much.

Busy is the key word these days. Super busy to be more realistic.

Been super stressed out lately and just trying to relax when I get home. Money worries are on the brain a bit, though I realize I am in good shape...I have a job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach. I am not going to starve anytime soon (though maybe I could stand to a few meals a week ).

Worried a lot about having kids. Can I afford them? Will I be able to have a normal life? For the most part, my life has been anything but normal....

So as I sit here eating my frozen food for breakfast, and kicking myself in the rear because I know it is too carby, yet it is what I have and what is quick and easy to eat at work, I wonder....how can I eat more healthy on a super pared down budget?

Right now I am dreaming of buying yerba mate tea (as they say caffeine may affect a person's adrenals), some yummy healthy fruit bars that are made of just dates and nuts and are gluten free, and wondering about what to cook for dinner.

I really want to fill my refrigerator with fruits and veggies and bean dishes, and see how long I can go without meat (eggs and dairy are ok). I invision myself sleeping at home and slowly detoxing all of the junk food and refined carbs out of my system, and taking it easy while my body adjusts to more raw fruits and veggies, as well as cooked veggies and whatnot. I really hope I can do this....perhaps I will make some fruit salads and try to find filling veggie dishes online. My main issue is feeling constantly hungry and that is why for me, volume per serving and price per serving is a bit issue. Hmmm....I think I will go back to having cut up apples for breakfast.

It will be hot today and I am thinking of what to make for dinner for my bf. He will be home late, and since I don't have a working microwave, it will be hard for him to reheat the dinner I may make. I am leaning towards splurging, and spending 10 bucks on some nice latin food, as I am not sure he wants to eat cold chicken and rice. He also worries about waking me up if he tries to make himself something to eat when he gets home. I am also not keen on the idea of buying sandwich stuff for him, because, well, he has been eating a lot of sandwiches (with the white bread! no fiber!), and I don't think that is healthy....I know, I know....I tend to worry more about others than my own self as I just pigged out on a flour laden tortilla breakfast.

Hmmmm......I am not feeling so stressed, and am just trying to think how I am going to make things work out okay. I want to be able to visit my family who live about an hour or more away, but if I am watching every cent, I may not be able to due to gas costs and the cost of eating out with them.

Hmmmm.....what are your thoughts?

Well, after doing some calculations, it appears that the reduction in my earnings may be around $200-$250 per month....which, is still pretty significant....but if my bf pays for the food, and I maybe cut out some things, then I can make ends meet. I am now worried about much the health insurance will increase....that is the part that can determine if I will have to get a part-time job in addition to my full-time job.

I bought some trader joes roast beef hash in a pouch last week and yum! I cooked it and some eggs and voila! I am full and it was a cheap dinner...hash always fills me up. Probably too much salt, though.

I did good and skipped my trip to Walmart for some stuff for my car...I felt good about that as I realized that the temptation to buy stuff at Walmart would be too great. And by stuff I don't mean clothes or electronics, I mean primarily food stuff and snack food that I really don't need, but when stressed, tend to pig out on. So, I skipped Walmart and was able to buy my car stuff directly from the dealer and it was cheaper than I thought! I also feel good about the fact that I am learning more about doing some maintenance and I hope that it keeps her running smooth.

I did good and though I was tempted, I avoided the sugary drinks and went with a sugar free drink. Yay!!

There used to be this magazine from New York that I loved called STRESS. It was a hot word at that time, and I am not sure if the magazine is still in print. In any case, it reflects how I am currently feeling.

I woke up very tired this morning and blue, and I really, really, just wanted to crawl under the covers and watch talk shows and I would say have cereal, but I am out of cereal and milk.

Things are busy here, so I didn't feel right about calling in, though I am feeling quite blue.

I am going to buy some maintenance stuff for my car and try to do some of the maintenance myself until I can get her into the shop. Sigh. My bf is paying me back some money he owes me, but because of his income and his responsibilities, he can only pay me back half at a time, which is a bit tempting to me, because I will have this money in hand, and though I may need it for stuff like food or gas, I will just have to hold onto it to combine it with the 2nd half and put some or all of it towards car maintenance.

If I did decide to give up my car, it would only save me less than 50 bucks a month. But considering the extra buses I would be taking, and those days when I am so tired or my grocery bags or so much that I have to catch a cab, then it won't really be much of a savings.

Feeling a little bit funky and looking forward to going home and laying down and getting some rest.

Things feel very different economically now, even though I know things were worse when I was younger.

When I was younger, I didn't have money, but I didn't have bills, either. So, when I had money, it was time for fun and needed toiletries and skin care stuff. I would buy a used book and have a lunch as a way to relax and pamper myself.

Some years ago, when money was tight, it was tight, but I had a credit card I could use for the occasional meal out, or used book, etc.

Now, I rarely eat out (when i do, it is usually fast food or someone else is buying it for me), I feel stressed about money a lot, my food choices are made more by my budget than what I really want to eat, and I end up feeling anxious a bit....I know that things are not bad for me. I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach and a good job, so I should stop worrying. I just feel more anxious now because much of the credit I have available has a very high interest rate, I have very little savings and i want to reserve it for paying rent, and I am like counting out every single amount...from how many miles I can get per gallon, to how much my necessary toiletries cost and where I can get them cheaper, and just really being fastidious about certain items. Sometimes, when I feel this way, I just want to relax. I want to have a leisurely day where I don't have to worry about a chore that needs to be done. I want to relax like I did years ago where I would make a day of just driving and window shopping and having a nice breakfast or lunch on the open road.

I remember this place I used to go to that had the best scrambled eggs....I haven't been there in ages, and primarily because a breakfast is like 7 or 8 bucks.

I know that during this time I just have to relax and accept that things may not be comfortable for a while. It is just hard for me to be relaxed right now. Right now I want to window shop and try to relax and not always be counting out every cent. I also want to work on how I relate to my friends...when I am in a situation where I am counting out every cent almost, then I don't understand friends that splurge on clothes, or say they are dealing with money issues, but still buy designer duds. And yeah, of course I realize that I am in this predicament because I overspent in prior years, and didn't watch my spending on food, etc.

So today I felt good this morning cause I saved money on parking yesterday, which allowed me to have more money to spend on food for this week.

Well, the supermarket had a sale on boneless skinless chicken breasts for less than 2 bucks a pound, so i bought two packs...which was more than I anticipated buying. so the chicken will be for dinner and I needed to think of food for lunch at work, so I bought some processed microwave food. I felt bad about it, but at least it is vegetarian.

I also did good and avoided my favorite iced tea and soda. I was soooo fiending for it today. I wish I knew now how much my check will be cut so I can start budgeting accordingly. I am going to try and do my tax calculations on line so I can get an idea of how much less my paycheck will be.

I learned that a lot of my fun is centered around things that cost money! I like to window shop, and not necessarily shop, but that costs money in gas and sometimes parking and of course, coffee drinks (and my coffee drinks are less than 3 bucks!). I like buying household cleaning items, but that will be budgeted even more as well.

I really worried a bit right now....I want to avoid missing any bill payments, and I want to keep my credit rating improving. And, finding a part-time job is kind of difficult right now...many places are offering part-time work, but not in the hours I can work...which would be primarily only on the weekends.

So, I will admit that last night I came home super duper stressed out. I even contemplated having a glass of wine, but decided against it. Why waste a perfectly good bottle of wine? (I usually have one glass, and the wine goes bad before I can finish the bottle).

So, I avoided my desire to go and buy the cheap 1.68 super bag of chips at the cheap super market, and the cheap 2.50 ice cream bars, and instead just drove straight home after work. I decided to heat up some left overs, have a bowl of cereal, and even some fresh corn, and after it all, I was full and the cravings for chips and ice cream vanished, and I didn't spend any extra money.

My loved one listened to me yesterday as I talked about potentially being $400 (to maybe even $600!) short from my paychecks per month for the next year. Nope, NOT good at all! I am hoping that if the medical expenses are increased, that we at least have the option to opt out and go to a lower medical insurance provider. I will miss my docs and my super good health insurance, but what can you do?

Breakfast today was the leftovers made on Tuesday. Filling, but I am not sure the food would have lasted longer. I gave my bf chicken I made for him on Thursday, and some other frozen chicken and rice.

It is a weird situation at times because he wants me to not give him so much food and just accept that he has to do things on his own, even if that means going hungry. But he is also going through so much right now that I know he could benefit from the food. My friend gave me money for giving her a ride, and since I had budgeted out my expenses, I was able to give my bf some money for food and transportation. I know he needs the help, and I also know that he may at times be upset that I am helping him, and he always wants to help me more. I have a hard time asking him for help, and I know I need to work on that.

I am trying to think positively about this situation. Maybe I will be able to eat more veggies on a limited budget. I am really forcing myself to not go the easy route of cheap processed foods, and still try and maintain healthy foods for super cheap. I am really going to try to keep eating whole, complete foods, and avoiding processed foods. Maybe this will help to also improve my health if I am eating a more veggie diet? I hope my body agrees with that.

And what do I do about visiting my family? I don't want to not be able to visit with them because of gas costs...which, it is really upsetting that gas is now over 3 dollars a gallon.

Simple things keep me happy. I am going to focus on trying to stay happy right now. All you can do is just get through it, ya know?

I can't believe that I totally spaced on this blog! I have had more hits on this blog than on my myspace blog...which to think of, I haven't visited or posted on in quite some time.

Well, things are pretty stressful here at the moment. I am facing a 8% paycut, which, with my tight budget is a bit much, plus my boyfriend is dealing with a terminal illness in his family and I am helping him through that experience...which is a very hard one, for anyone who has ever gone through that, plus I am working on my health and the prospect of getting a 2nd job makes me a bit tired, but I am going to see what I can do.

I am not sure what I can really cut back on, ya know? I don't buy a whole lot to begin with, (a nice iced espresso on the weekends is QUITE the luxury), and I don't really have much emergency savings to go into. I am tempted to go into my retirement fund, but I know that isn't a good idea.

I just am not sure what to do, other than to keep on keeping on, ya know? I really want to work on my mood, because I know when I am stressed about money and worried about homelessness, my lens doesn't have always the nicest viewpoint. So I am going to work on that as well.

I hope you all are doing well and I look forward to hearing your comments.

So, today I looked at my checking account and was running the figures in my head and whatnot and I am feeling ok. Yes, my food budget is depleted for the month---but I have a lot of protein and rice and I need to only buy maybe $20 bucks worth of food at the most, so I am not feeling too bad. I could borrow that amount from my money for next month's bill.

My bf gets paid on Friday, and he will give me some money relating to tolls and gas and whatnot. I know I have to pay some money for extra tolls, and I am thinking it will hopefully be no more than an extra $25 bucks.

I will be getting more money than usual next month, so I am going to save the majority of it, and take some of it to get my car fixed...time for a tune-up. I really wish I knew how to do that stuff myself...or rather, I wish my mechanic wasn't so freakin expensive! They do good work...but they are pricey!

Sorry about the comments issues----I would have to change the text and background color in order to change the text color on my comments section. Not sure which color to choose at this time. In the meantime, you can "highlight" the comment boxes (aka select as well), and that will let you be able to view the comments.

So, here I am...still in my early 30s, and contemplating my baby making factory abilities. I worry...When will I have kids? When will I be able to have kids? When will I be financially stable enough to have kids? What if I am not able to?

Part of me is kicking myself in the rear...why didn't I think ahead? Why didn't I start saving for being a mom years and year and years ago?!?! What about health and all of that?

I am working on my health so I can have children. I acknowledge that I have been saying that for a while...and at my age I have to do it rather than just say it again and again. My primary goal is to be a healthy mom so my future kids can have me around for a long time.

Yes, I want plural. I want 3 or more. Yes, I know they are expensive. But if I can manage the shelter, improve my cooking of healthy foods, and health insurance, I can make everything else work. I grew up poor....and some of the best times in my life were just regular sit down dinners at home...this was of course before things got hectic...but that is another story for another time.

I worry about the money aspect of having children. For some reason today, I got filled with a bit of fear...how much is insurance for a kid? Will I have enough for braces (yeah, I had bad teeth as a youth---they are much better now!), omg! I know that rationally if I just keep truckin along, my debt will be paid by the time I plan on starting a family. I still get scared though, to be honest. I don't want to not have children. I know that my self-worth isn't dependent upon being married or having kids, but for me, in how I view myself, I really, really, really want to be a mom. I want to be a healthy mom (making ants on a log for my kids---with all natural peanut butter of course, none of that sugar added stuff!), a mom with a lot of energy, a mom who is able to play an active and happy role in the lives of her children.

I live in an expensive city and so, owning a home seems still like a faraway dream. But, my goal is to have a home by the time I am 40.

My bf. He is a good man, and we have discussed children, and have agreed that now is not the right time. I wouldn't want to have a child at this time in my life...I want to have more flexibility and surplus spending money in my budget---diapers cost money...cute little stuff monkeys with hats and jackets cost money, you get the drift. He also has his own responsibilities, and I think we would have to discuss things more and work on a budget or spending plan so that there isn't much friction regarding finances---I am more strict, he is more relaxed, and as such, we usually cause each other a bit of stress when discussing money.

I did good today---no stopping at a store or drive thru for anything. I came straight home and had a yummy dinner of cereal and it was pretty good. I am taking vitamins that my doctor suggested, and just focusing on losing more weight. Right now I am about 16-17lbs away from my 2nd weightloss goal. I am very excited about that as I haven't weighed that much in over 2 years.

I know that people say there isn't any good time to have a baby...and I wonder...for those with debt, or not much surplus cash---how did you do it?

Well, dinner went well last night. I cooked up quite a few pounds of chicken. I ended up giving most of it to my bf to take home.

This budget thing is a bit complex....I did overspend on food, but feel okay about it because I got some good deals and the food will likely last me into next month. It is a bit more complicated in that my bf is going thru some difficulties, my budget is tight, his budget is tighter, and so at times I am trying to stretch the food out. I know it bugs him a bit, but I want to make sure that he has food. I do know when to not over-do it. Last night, it was appropriate to give him most of the dinner and some odds and ends from my refrigerator. I have enough food to last me through the rest of the month, with only needing to buy some sauce and eggs and whatnot. And when he gets paid, he will most likely give me some money for food or gas or things like that.

On a better note, I have lost some weight. Yay!

I am feeling ok food wise...just having weird cravings for yummy buttery pastries, but will stick to the food I brought from home.

Well, I am really lucky in that in my budget, I have to set aside a certain amount for my car insurance that I pay bi-monthly. This means that I have over $100 I need to reserve for the next month.

This helps me a lot in that when I am in need of funds, I can borrow from this reserve, and then pay myself back the following month. Not the best strategy in terms of sticking with a budget, but it does come in handy.

I will have almost $200 extra per month once I finish paying off a bill. I will save part of this and put the rest towards paying off the rest of my bills. Next year, I will be through with paying off an additional bill and so, I will use most towards paying down debt and increasing savings.

So, when I saw a sale on my favorite type of chicken, I snatched up 3 packs. Woo hoo! Way more than enough for the rest of the month. So, in addition to the beans and rice and eggs and dairy I have, I will not need food for the rest of the month.

I am watching what I buy and do admit that this was a bad week in terms of eating when stressed and out of convenience. I ate some fast food this week, plus a breakfast. So I need to chill with that for a while as it isn't healthy and 3 bucks here and there could end up enough money for a healthier meal.

I have lost some weight, and want to continue losing weight, so I am also looking forward to my food for the month....it is a bit harder to eat healthy on a budget, but with a little practice, it can be done.

Hope you all are having a good mother's day.