So, this weekend I kept watching my budget and most of my money was spent on food and household supplies---$120 bucks to be exact. I am shocked that I spent so much---trying to figure out what I spent things on, but as I have been keeping a tally, it makes sense....food and household cleaning stuff really does add up.

I will call SSA tomorrow to see if I can start monitoring my work history because of the SSN breach. Sigh.

I am feeling ok, thought I would be more anxious, i guess its just the reality that I can't do much about what those jerks did. All I can do is to try and monitor things more closely, is all. I already know that if someone tries to get more credit in my name, it will be a big fat denied, as even I cannot get any more credit.

I do wish the police were taking this more seriously. But it seems like they say that they have more cases than they can handle, and that is about it. It isn't a violent crime, but it does make a person feel violated and suspicious of others.

So this week has been super duper stressful. Not as stressful as the previous week, but stressful nonetheless.

I had a talk w/ my bf, and did say that if he intends on spending more nights at my place, then he has to contribute the full amount that we agreed to. He said ok, but he also said he didn't want to discuss it. Sigh. It is very hard talking to him about budgeting. He usually only wants to talk about it the day after he is paid, whereas I am making out my budget 2 months in advance, and checking and rechecking it again and again and again. I still end up overspending, but again, it is primarily on food.

I don't feel that he is being cheap or not paying me intentionally, I just think the reality is that he isn't making enough to cover everything that he has to take care of in his life right now. I know that he gives me a lot, and he gives me more than people I dated who made 3x what he earns. I feel bad that he is having a hard time. I also let him know that his contribution is solely to cover the expense of food (Again, food is freaking expensive! And he AND I have really big appetites, so, frozen tv dinners are 1) not going to fill us up and 2) super processed and not a great option anyway.

The whole celebrity pregnancy thing is beginning to irk me a bit. I want to be a mom, but both health-wise, financial-wise, and relationship-wise, I am not ready. My close friend (whom I don't talk to very often, and i usually end up initiating contact), made a comment that I need to hurry up and start if I want to be a mom. She and her husband are my friends, and they have ALOT of family support, and are making things work for their family. I wish that my friend would initiate more contact with me, but that is another topic....

Back to celebrity pregnancy....I am irked that Kendra Wilkinson is super duper pregnant and married to what appears to be a really level-headed and great guy. She seems to have the brains of a....well, she really doesn't seem to have any brains. I know that is catty, and I am sorry, but when I keep hearing about how she is having to adjust to life outside of the Playboy mansion (not working then, either), and throwing her clothes out of her dresser onto the floor in order to "see them", and then just leaving them on the floor, it gets a bit depressing. She seems to be living a very comfortable life, and I am just not sure what hardwork she did to get it, ya know?

Then Kourtney Khardashian (who I used to actually like and who actually works), gets pregnant, and makes all these public comments about how she got pregnant by accident. Sigh.

I know that life doesn't always make sense, and realizing that life isn't always equal, has helped me to just accept things and get through a lot of tough times in my life. I never questioned the death of my parents at a young age, I never questioned why my family was homeless, or any other of my life experiences. I do admit that lately, I am feeling a bit downtrodden because, I really just want the simple life, ya know? I just want to have a modest, married life, with children and stability. It seems so easy for some people.

I am really going to try and do the vegetarian thing when I get my paycheck. I am thinking of all of the food I will be able to buy when I get paid. I went to get a few necessities this morning (water, cat food, fruit) and I really felt a bit....stifled?...when I passed by Trader Joe's. All I wanted to do was go in there, buy a dozen eggs and some raw spinach and yet, I knew that I only had like 12 bucks remaining credit on my credit card, so, I didn't go in. They weren't open at that time (opening in a few minutes), so that really helped me to avoid the urge as well.

I have been lately dreaming of going on a mini-shopping spree---to me that would consist of body spray ($10), pens ($6), coffee drink ($3), tea ($4), and lots of walking around a mall. I dream of going to IKEA (it gives me inspiration about redecorating my apartment), and just walking aimlessly down the aisles...transporting myself to some envisioned idea of what Sweden and the Netherlands look like (is IKEA from Sweden or the Netherlands? Or am I totally thinking of the wrong countries?).
I haven't gone on a real vacation since 2007, and it is definitely calling out to me. I have taken days off to help my bf, etc., but, haven't done my typical vacation where I have no schedule to adhere to, etc.

thank you all for letting me vent. I know that despite my grumblings and complaints, I am very blessed. I am just a bit stressed and irritated right now and I am hoping I can relax today and recharge my energy.

Right now I am a bit super duper stressed, and in a wanting mode.

And of course while my main want would be to have an emergency savings of at least 3-6 months, I realize that may take a while to build up, and my current wants are on a much smaller level.

I am wanting to wander aimlessly through a mall, drinking something cool and sweet, and just being able to relax. I don't need to buy anything, window shopping is plenty relaxing for me.

I am wanting to just hunker down in a cafe and read a good book and write and not be stressing about wether or not I should really be buying a coffee drink.

I am wanting to buy some healthy food options, but right now, I am eating leftovers and some frozen items as away of not wasting food.

I know that in the big scheme of things, my wants sound pretty darn pathetic. I am very blessed to be even able to have the ability to go to a cafe and relax and read, versus working full time during the week and again on the weekends like I used to do. I know that this wanting is just because I am pretty darn ticked off at myself---ticked off for not saving more money from part-time job (I got into the feel good phase and had excess cash when I was dating---perhaps I spent too much on food and luxury items--like excess trips to target, and cheap bodyspray) and ticked off for just not being as frugal as I really need to be.

I am also having this wanting phase because I have been super poor, and I have been middle class (still middle class I suppose, just have a lot of debt) and even though it is good to curb my spending, when I am stressed and depressed, then I tend to want to shop or buy things....even cheap little dollar things.

So, I will just have to go home and write out my thoughts, and maybe over the weekend I will do the aimless window shopping...thinking about how I want my life to be (I like to window shop in home improvement stores....)

I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive towards me. I was feeling bad earlier today, and after some journaling and reading everyone's comments, I am feeling much better.

I am actively working on the part-time job and hopefully increasing my savings. I am also focusing on the fact that I usually have a sizeable federal tax return each year, so I am hoping that will help me.

I wasn't good this month with tracking what I spent money on (which was primarily only food and coffee---no lavish anything, except some blue cheese earlier this month, Yum!).

I am just going to try and focus on doing the best I can and trying to not focus on things that aren't productive.

I am feeling really weird right now. On one hand, I am super stressed out about money and life and whatnot. I am trying to work harder and faster, I am trying to help someone I love who is dealing with their loved one who is dying, and I am trying to deal with my own issues of feeling financially insecure.

And on another hand, I feel this weird comfort at times. I have been dirt poor before and eating in soup kitchens, so part of me feels like being broke is not uncommon.

It is hard to explain this feeling. On one hand there is the fear of being homeless and I cannot explain how today, I felt on the verge of tears. Just overwhelmed. I need to fix things, and I don't have the money to do that, and I am in a situation where I am counting out every little bit and am slowly (or not so slowly) seeing my savings dwindling.

I know that I am far better off than other people. I have a job and I have a roof over my head and I have food. So I am doing ok.

I have applied for some part-time jobs, and I hope that it goes well.

Being the oldest, I have always been the ones my siblings turn to. My friends think I am good with money (in some ways I am, in other ways I am not), and they usually come to me for help or advice.

Now that money is tight, I have been asking for help more. I mean, in some ways, I am more comfortable sharing my thoughts on here, than maybe talking to my friends. Part of it is because I don't want to appear like I am whinning about things.

My sis is going to lend me money to fix my car. Woo hoo!! I am sooo happy! It was really hard for me to ask her, because at times we have a strained relationship and I have always been the one to lend her money or help her out. When I was telling her about the pay cuts, she offered to help, and my usual response was that things will be ok and that I will make things work out. Well, when I realized that my car repair would make my savings go lower than they have been for maybe a decade, then it made me realize it may be best to ask for help. And she is helping me! And I am so happy! It is hard, because it is hard for me to depend on people. I realize I need to work on that, because it may affect how I make others feel.

I am not sure if I am going to tell my bf that my sis is letting me borrow money. I am not sure if that will stress him out (he wants to help me more, and sometimes, when he is not able to, I think he gets overwhelmed and frustrated) and I know he has got so much he is already doing for his family, so I don't want to make him feel more stressed.

I am a much more cheerful person when my money is better....even if I have debt, I still feel more comfortable knowing I have my emergency savings. I am going to start looking for a part-time job so I can build up my savings.

I am tempted to go into my 401k, or do debt consolidation...but I know that isn't the best thing. I just need to get thru these tough times and realize that I have been far poorer and through far worse economic times. I just need to stay strong.

I was thisclose to crying at work today. I had some unexpected car trouble, and the prospect of digging deep into my super small amount of savings was a bit much to deal with. I was already planning on going into my savings to pay for some much needed standard maintenance things for my car, and now to hear I may need to spend a few hundred dollars more, well, it really made me a bit sad.

And it didn't help that I had some much needed chores to do, and having a car that isn't working doesn't make it easy to wash clothes and whatnot. Sigh. So, today I felt I looked a little disheveled. Tomorrow, I will get up very early and clean. I probably need my sleep, but clean clothes are super important. I am just hoping my car can hold out until I can get her fixed, and I hope it isn't too expensive.

I told my bf that I am going to try and get a part-time job in addition to my full-time job. I don't think he liked it very much. But I think it is because he wants to help me with bills, and he may take my wanting to get a 2nd job as something where I am not depending on him. That isn't the case. I just want to have more money so I can pay for things like car repairs, etc., and not have to stress him out about needing money.

On a good note, my cooking is getting so much better!! I made some chicken breasts and they were sooo yummy and moist! I also made a new rice recipe, and I think my bf loved it...and all it had was chopped cilantro, salt, and lime! A nice light flavor!

My relative wants to give me money for gas when I visit her. While I could definitely use it, I am not sure if I want to do that. My sis also told me to ask her if I need any help with money. It is weird because I could ask for help, but I know she works really hard and I make more money than she does, so I don't feel it would be right to ask her for money.

I know that if I just keep on keeping on, things will be ok. It is just getting through the rough economy right now that is tripping me out. I have even considered borrowing from my 401k, but I want to save that as a last resort.

I am just trying not to stress too much.

Busy is the key word these days. Super busy to be more realistic.

Been super stressed out lately and just trying to relax when I get home. Money worries are on the brain a bit, though I realize I am in good shape...I have a job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach. I am not going to starve anytime soon (though maybe I could stand to a few meals a week ).

Worried a lot about having kids. Can I afford them? Will I be able to have a normal life? For the most part, my life has been anything but normal....

So today I felt good this morning cause I saved money on parking yesterday, which allowed me to have more money to spend on food for this week.

Well, the supermarket had a sale on boneless skinless chicken breasts for less than 2 bucks a pound, so i bought two packs...which was more than I anticipated buying. so the chicken will be for dinner and I needed to think of food for lunch at work, so I bought some processed microwave food. I felt bad about it, but at least it is vegetarian.

I also did good and avoided my favorite iced tea and soda. I was soooo fiending for it today. I wish I knew now how much my check will be cut so I can start budgeting accordingly. I am going to try and do my tax calculations on line so I can get an idea of how much less my paycheck will be.

I learned that a lot of my fun is centered around things that cost money! I like to window shop, and not necessarily shop, but that costs money in gas and sometimes parking and of course, coffee drinks (and my coffee drinks are less than 3 bucks!). I like buying household cleaning items, but that will be budgeted even more as well.

I really worried a bit right now....I want to avoid missing any bill payments, and I want to keep my credit rating improving. And, finding a part-time job is kind of difficult right now...many places are offering part-time work, but not in the hours I can work...which would be primarily only on the weekends.

So, I will admit that last night I came home super duper stressed out. I even contemplated having a glass of wine, but decided against it. Why waste a perfectly good bottle of wine? (I usually have one glass, and the wine goes bad before I can finish the bottle).

So, I avoided my desire to go and buy the cheap 1.68 super bag of chips at the cheap super market, and the cheap 2.50 ice cream bars, and instead just drove straight home after work. I decided to heat up some left overs, have a bowl of cereal, and even some fresh corn, and after it all, I was full and the cravings for chips and ice cream vanished, and I didn't spend any extra money.

My loved one listened to me yesterday as I talked about potentially being $400 (to maybe even $600!) short from my paychecks per month for the next year. Nope, NOT good at all! I am hoping that if the medical expenses are increased, that we at least have the option to opt out and go to a lower medical insurance provider. I will miss my docs and my super good health insurance, but what can you do?

Breakfast today was the leftovers made on Tuesday. Filling, but I am not sure the food would have lasted longer. I gave my bf chicken I made for him on Thursday, and some other frozen chicken and rice.

It is a weird situation at times because he wants me to not give him so much food and just accept that he has to do things on his own, even if that means going hungry. But he is also going through so much right now that I know he could benefit from the food. My friend gave me money for giving her a ride, and since I had budgeted out my expenses, I was able to give my bf some money for food and transportation. I know he needs the help, and I also know that he may at times be upset that I am helping him, and he always wants to help me more. I have a hard time asking him for help, and I know I need to work on that.

I am trying to think positively about this situation. Maybe I will be able to eat more veggies on a limited budget. I am really forcing myself to not go the easy route of cheap processed foods, and still try and maintain healthy foods for super cheap. I am really going to try to keep eating whole, complete foods, and avoiding processed foods. Maybe this will help to also improve my health if I am eating a more veggie diet? I hope my body agrees with that.

And what do I do about visiting my family? I don't want to not be able to visit with them because of gas costs...which, it is really upsetting that gas is now over 3 dollars a gallon.

Simple things keep me happy. I am going to focus on trying to stay happy right now. All you can do is just get through it, ya know?

I can't believe that I totally spaced on this blog! I have had more hits on this blog than on my myspace blog...which to think of, I haven't visited or posted on in quite some time.

Well, things are pretty stressful here at the moment. I am facing a 8% paycut, which, with my tight budget is a bit much, plus my boyfriend is dealing with a terminal illness in his family and I am helping him through that experience...which is a very hard one, for anyone who has ever gone through that, plus I am working on my health and the prospect of getting a 2nd job makes me a bit tired, but I am going to see what I can do.

I am not sure what I can really cut back on, ya know? I don't buy a whole lot to begin with, (a nice iced espresso on the weekends is QUITE the luxury), and I don't really have much emergency savings to go into. I am tempted to go into my retirement fund, but I know that isn't a good idea.

I just am not sure what to do, other than to keep on keeping on, ya know? I really want to work on my mood, because I know when I am stressed about money and worried about homelessness, my lens doesn't have always the nicest viewpoint. So I am going to work on that as well.

I hope you all are doing well and I look forward to hearing your comments.

So, today I looked at my checking account and was running the figures in my head and whatnot and I am feeling ok. Yes, my food budget is depleted for the month---but I have a lot of protein and rice and I need to only buy maybe $20 bucks worth of food at the most, so I am not feeling too bad. I could borrow that amount from my money for next month's bill.

My bf gets paid on Friday, and he will give me some money relating to tolls and gas and whatnot. I know I have to pay some money for extra tolls, and I am thinking it will hopefully be no more than an extra $25 bucks.

I will be getting more money than usual next month, so I am going to save the majority of it, and take some of it to get my car fixed...time for a tune-up. I really wish I knew how to do that stuff myself...or rather, I wish my mechanic wasn't so freakin expensive! They do good work...but they are pricey!

Sorry about the comments issues----I would have to change the text and background color in order to change the text color on my comments section. Not sure which color to choose at this time. In the meantime, you can "highlight" the comment boxes (aka select as well), and that will let you be able to view the comments.

So, here I am...still in my early 30s, and contemplating my baby making factory abilities. I worry...When will I have kids? When will I be able to have kids? When will I be financially stable enough to have kids? What if I am not able to?

Part of me is kicking myself in the rear...why didn't I think ahead? Why didn't I start saving for being a mom years and year and years ago?!?! What about health and all of that?

I am working on my health so I can have children. I acknowledge that I have been saying that for a while...and at my age I have to do it rather than just say it again and again. My primary goal is to be a healthy mom so my future kids can have me around for a long time.

Yes, I want plural. I want 3 or more. Yes, I know they are expensive. But if I can manage the shelter, improve my cooking of healthy foods, and health insurance, I can make everything else work. I grew up poor....and some of the best times in my life were just regular sit down dinners at home...this was of course before things got hectic...but that is another story for another time.

I worry about the money aspect of having children. For some reason today, I got filled with a bit of fear...how much is insurance for a kid? Will I have enough for braces (yeah, I had bad teeth as a youth---they are much better now!), omg! I know that rationally if I just keep truckin along, my debt will be paid by the time I plan on starting a family. I still get scared though, to be honest. I don't want to not have children. I know that my self-worth isn't dependent upon being married or having kids, but for me, in how I view myself, I really, really, really want to be a mom. I want to be a healthy mom (making ants on a log for my kids---with all natural peanut butter of course, none of that sugar added stuff!), a mom with a lot of energy, a mom who is able to play an active and happy role in the lives of her children.

I live in an expensive city and so, owning a home seems still like a faraway dream. But, my goal is to have a home by the time I am 40.

My bf. He is a good man, and we have discussed children, and have agreed that now is not the right time. I wouldn't want to have a child at this time in my life...I want to have more flexibility and surplus spending money in my budget---diapers cost money...cute little stuff monkeys with hats and jackets cost money, you get the drift. He also has his own responsibilities, and I think we would have to discuss things more and work on a budget or spending plan so that there isn't much friction regarding finances---I am more strict, he is more relaxed, and as such, we usually cause each other a bit of stress when discussing money.

I did good today---no stopping at a store or drive thru for anything. I came straight home and had a yummy dinner of cereal and it was pretty good. I am taking vitamins that my doctor suggested, and just focusing on losing more weight. Right now I am about 16-17lbs away from my 2nd weightloss goal. I am very excited about that as I haven't weighed that much in over 2 years.

I know that people say there isn't any good time to have a baby...and I wonder...for those with debt, or not much surplus cash---how did you do it?

Well, dinner went well last night. I cooked up quite a few pounds of chicken. I ended up giving most of it to my bf to take home.

This budget thing is a bit complex....I did overspend on food, but feel okay about it because I got some good deals and the food will likely last me into next month. It is a bit more complicated in that my bf is going thru some difficulties, my budget is tight, his budget is tighter, and so at times I am trying to stretch the food out. I know it bugs him a bit, but I want to make sure that he has food. I do know when to not over-do it. Last night, it was appropriate to give him most of the dinner and some odds and ends from my refrigerator. I have enough food to last me through the rest of the month, with only needing to buy some sauce and eggs and whatnot. And when he gets paid, he will most likely give me some money for food or gas or things like that.

On a better note, I have lost some weight. Yay!

I am feeling ok food wise...just having weird cravings for yummy buttery pastries, but will stick to the food I brought from home.

Well, I am really lucky in that in my budget, I have to set aside a certain amount for my car insurance that I pay bi-monthly. This means that I have over $100 I need to reserve for the next month.

This helps me a lot in that when I am in need of funds, I can borrow from this reserve, and then pay myself back the following month. Not the best strategy in terms of sticking with a budget, but it does come in handy.

I will have almost $200 extra per month once I finish paying off a bill. I will save part of this and put the rest towards paying off the rest of my bills. Next year, I will be through with paying off an additional bill and so, I will use most towards paying down debt and increasing savings.

So, when I saw a sale on my favorite type of chicken, I snatched up 3 packs. Woo hoo! Way more than enough for the rest of the month. So, in addition to the beans and rice and eggs and dairy I have, I will not need food for the rest of the month.

I am watching what I buy and do admit that this was a bad week in terms of eating when stressed and out of convenience. I ate some fast food this week, plus a breakfast. So I need to chill with that for a while as it isn't healthy and 3 bucks here and there could end up enough money for a healthier meal.

I have lost some weight, and want to continue losing weight, so I am also looking forward to my food for the month....it is a bit harder to eat healthy on a budget, but with a little practice, it can be done.

Hope you all are having a good mother's day.

Aside from some possible grammar issues with my spelling, I am overwhelmed by the amount of visits my blog is getting.

I have other blogs that I haven't frequented in a while, and when I found this site and the ability to really, well, vent and be open about my finances (as for me, it is sometimes hard to do with family and friends as I don't want to be the kind of person always whining about money), I didn't think many people would read it. I thought it would be more of a cathartic tool for me to use and to help keep me focused on my financial goals. Instead, I got both the cathartic effect, and also more support than I imagined.

Many thanks to those of you who take the time to read the ramblings and thoughts that flow through my head on a daily basis.

I read many of your comments regarding the "Love and Money" entry, and it is hard to explain the desire I have to be a stay at home mom. I really, really, really don't like the idea of letting a stranger raise my children. I also do not have much family support, so it isn't like I have a relative who could watch my child. And yeah, I am as feminist as they come, but ya know what? I still love the idea of love, I love the idea of a traditional family (primarily because I didn't really have it as a kid), and yeah, I do feel that a man (or a woman), should be able to provide for their family. As a strong woman I want to be able to support my family if push comes to shove, and I also want my hubby to be able to support the family as well.

I also have to add that as a child there was a lot of food insecurity as well as money insecurity, and I don't want that for my child. I went through being homeless and it still really messes with my thought patterns to this day.

What I think that would mean is that if I get married and if my hubby makes less than I do, we will just have to work on the savings, and par down expeses, so that we can afford for me to stay home. I am good at cooking cheap food and finding super duper bargains, so, yeah, I do agree that if two people are committed to the same goal, then they can make it happen.

As I mentioned in another entry, there is the issue of complexes. I did grow up seeing the stereotype of the hard working woman with the boyfriend or hubby who didn't work. I remember seeing how beat down the woman looked (emotionally) and I don't want that for myself.

Now, me and my bf are going to have to work through our money issues. I realize I have to back off a bit and let him deal with his stuff on his own. He knows how uptight I am about money, and I have to accept that he does things at his own pace. He isn't some guy that buys too much stuff or calls in sick all the time. So, I need to chill a bit.

I have $17 bucks in my pocket and am not feeling weird about my food budget, thought technically, I only have $25 bucks or so for food for the rest of the month after buying some needed vitamins. I am oddly not stressing about the food as I have some frozen meat and I haven't been eating as much lately either. So, I am feeling okay about it.

Well, in our society, it is often that many of us confuse our self worth with money, our self worth with love, and love, well, with money.

Before anyone gets the wrong idea...let me explain.

If I love someone and care for them, I have no problem lending them money or buying them things. I worked hard for my money, and the act of lending or spending it on a person means usually that I care for them deeply.

In the dating game, I have dated men with money, and men with not so much money. I can honestly say that in relationships where the man made more money than I did, I was still the one who put more emotional and econimical effort into the relationship. And I can honestly say that I have received more emotional and caring and economical support from someone who may not make so much money.

In our society (or at least when I was growing up), there is this stigma about the man supporting the woman. I have often felt I didn't give in to that kind of thing, but well...now I am not so sure. If I become a mom, I want to be able to stay home and take care of my child(ren) for at least the first 6 months of their lives. That is a very expensive thing to do!

I don't want to argue with friends or family or loved ones about money, as well, money is very fickle.

Love is more important than money, and there is also the saying that love can't feed a hungry stomach.

How does one have a healthy relationship with money, in its relation to love and family?

Yesterday was a not so good day. It started out great, and then I ended up being in a funk and stressed out about stuff said at work and then my boyfriend and I were talking and he was having some problems with his bank. I got really frustrated because he sometimes has an attitude towards business things that I don't agree with. I am a bit more uptight about things, and if I were having the problems he listed, I would be on the phone to customer service in a second! He, on the other hand, deals with it more slowly.

I worry about this because 1) I am not in the best financial shape, but I know what I did to get myself in this position, and 2) I worry that my bf will continue to be this way about money. My friends tend to trust me with their money and money related issues, as I guess they figure that I know the right thing to do, even though I don't always do it, but my boyfriend wants to do things his way and I don't think he listens to me in that regard.

We did have a discussion about marriage and money and whatnot, and he said he would be okay with my managing the money. Whew! You can't understand how much that relaxed me---I know I would feel better knowing that I had paid all of our bills online and that we had a certain amount of money for xyz, etc.

I also know that realistically it isn't any of my business how he deals with his finances. I just have a hard time keeping quiet because on one hand I know he is having difficulty and is stretched very thin financially, and on the other hand I think that if he got a bit uptight about money like me, he would still be stressed about money, but he would know how much he has at all times, avoid bank issues, etc.

Kind of stressed this morning and though it isn't in the budget, I bought myself breakfast---namely because it is more filling than my usual breakfast, and because well, I just felt like having a Sunday type breakfast on a Thursday.

Dinner went well yesterday and I have enough leftovers for lunch at work. I am thinking of the chicken in my freezer and planning out the meals for next week.

I did good at the store yesterday and spent less than $3! Woo hoo! I focused on buying the bare minimum of what was needed for dinner, namely veggies and water.

I am going to buy vitamins tonight and hope that my coupon helps significantly.

So, I have been keeping a guarded eye on my funds and doing the math thing every day. I also am trying to avoid going to the grocery store whenever possible, and when I do, just getting what is most necessary at that time.

It is hard to do at times because I have a boyfriend, and when he visits I want to make sure that he has a good meal and eats well. He is a bachelor and eats bachelor type food, and he is also on a super tight budget (he makes less than half of what I do), so at times I think he doesn't have enough food for the type of work he does (very physical labor), or not the healthiest food (ie...super sugary cereal and very little veggies).

I know that I have to be careful in this area because 1) I have a complex about the whole woman supporting the man thing, and 2) it costs money to feed an extra person. I feel at odds at times because I want to make sure he has food to eat, and I also have to really watch my budget. It is fair to note that when he does have money, he is always offering to help me with food or gas. He may not buy me roses, but he does care about the things I need and I really appreciate that tremendously.

So, tonight I will be in search of some fresh asparagus that is supposedly 99 cents a pound! Which is a good deal for asparagus in my area.

I am doing the math, and have about $51 bucks remaining for food for the month. I am going to fry some chicken on the weekend and maybe eat beans for the upcoming week. I am trying to hold out on buying food unless I am out of it...like, buying my yogurt only when I have one remaining yogurt kind of thing.

I am feeling optimistic about my goals and just trying to stay focused.

After my relative passed away some years ago....I felt both alone, and I felt this urgency to live my life to the fullest. The reality that I could pass away alone in my apartment sort of freaking me out, and the fact that I felt the last person who really truly loved me as family had died, left me sort of adrift in some ways.

So, I didn't think wisely, and I refinanced my car to pay for my trip. Yeah, this was VERY silly. The job I had at the time had me on a semi-tight budget, and it would have taken me more than a couple of years to save for any sort of international travel. At that time my debt was less, my savings was higher, and I was on a tight budget.

Do I regret refinancing my car? In some ways yes, I do, as I am still paying on a car that is almost 10 years old (I bought it used). On the other hand, the thing that makes me the happiest, and brings joy to me when I think about it, is when I traveled. I went to a few European countries and man, I smile when I think of the places I visited.

Now, for some people, traveling is no big deal. International travel is normal for them. But for me, I came from a family and a childhood where I would count out pennies in order to get up money for the local budget matinee and some super cheap dollar menu type fast food. That was a splurge when I was a kid. So, to see places that my parents never got to visit, AND, to visit them on my own, as a solo woman traveler, means a heckuva lot to me. I always smile when I think of the different transit systems, reading signs and directions in a different language, the unique types of food, etc. I feel more vibrant when I am traveling.

It may not have been the best decision, but I traveled on a budget, I stayed at the cheapest (but cleanest), hotels I could find, and I felt this super duper energy that I don't always feel now. I am working on regaining that energy and joie de vivre as I have been lacking in it lately.

So, in the past few days I have written and re-written and continuously calculate my budget for May.

I have paid most of my bills and so right now I am working with about $74 the represents my food money for the rest of the month. Needless to say, I somehow overspent, and don't have tons and tons of food to show for it. I spent about $55+ bucks on food so far, and $9 or so was for take out. So, I would like to spend maybe $40 more bucks and focus on protein and yogurt.

I lost some weight and am really happy about that.

I made some black beans and rice on Sunday, and put the beans in the freezer---which freaks out my bf---but I explained that I want to slow down the aging of the beans as I won't eat any today and I am trying to make them last longer. Yeah, he thinks I am a bit loopy when it comes to my freezing food items. He doesn't come from a family that freezes a lot of their food, and I come from a family where I learned to freeze loaves of bread and gallons of milk.

I have 2 packs of chicken in the freezer, plus the beans, plus eggs and fruit and yogurt, so I am not hurting for food at all this week.

I need to buy a water bottle and vitamins tomorrow, so I am hoping that my 20% off coupon helps me a lot.

So, I have come to think of money as something that happens in cycles...there have been cycles in my life where I saved my dinner money (where I lived for a while as a pre-teen, didn't have a kitchen or bathroom) in order to "splurge" on the weekend on used books, a comic book or two, and maybe a lunch out (super cheap, of course).

I started working in high school and that helped me with spending money and being able to buy basic personal toiletries and whatnot (very important to a teen, I tell ya!). I ended up working my way through college and making close to $30,000 before I got my degree.

I then got a decent job, and a part-time job in addition, and had the luxury of having a full pay check every week. I did good and managed to save about $12,000.

Then, a close relative got sick, my job couldn't always do a cost of living increase and the 2nd job wasn't available, the bills relating to their care and my bills ended up being more than my earnings, and I ended up being in the red each month, which led to more cc debt and whatnot.

My relative passed away and I had a hard time dealing with it. I didn't have any other close family that I could depend on, and well, I just went into an emotional funk, if you will. This emotional funk caused me to not be so focused on watching my budget and my savings dwindled to a small amount.

I have been working more on my budget and writing down every single thing that I buy. I know that if I had more savings I would feel less stressed, but, until I pay off my debt, I don't have much to put towards savings in the first place.

I realize that for me, buying things was a sort of temporary fix for my blahs. I also realized that I wasted money on crappola.....coffee drinks, eating out (even if it is fast food, it is still too much dough), clothes. Of course I am totally kicking myself right now, but what can you do? All I can do now is focus on getting rid of my debt, and trying to be as frugal as possible.

I worked a 2nd job for a while, but the extra 24 hours a week was hard on my body as I am currently working on trying to be healthier.

Now I find myself kind of in an semi-awkward feeling...in reality I am doing ok. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food to eat. I shouldn't be so worried. The emotional aspect is the part of me that wants to travel, feels stifled when I am calculating the affordability of buying a coffee drink or a bag of chips, and the comments that irk me by friends who I don't think really understand poverty.

I have friends that make comments that I can't relate to.....they say they are broke, yet spend 3x the amount I do on food, or are always out enjoying some lounge or club.

With poverty there comes a lot of judgements...and from time to time, I still feel like the little girl in grade school who was so poor that I had to keep re-sewing the hole in the same pair of cotten stretch pants. Imagine sewing a hole made from overwear and tear, in an item that doesn't have any seams!

One thing about my attempts at frugality is that I think there is a really fine line in judgements about money, and most of us have a problem with that line...

For me, it is a struggle to not let my finances affect my mood. When I have money, I am happy and want to go walking and simply window shopping (I don't need to buy anything). When my money is somewhat limited, then I have a hard time relating to friends who want to go to lounges and have cocktails (mentally, I tabulate the $8 cocktail, plus tip, and try to determine if there is room for that in my food budget). I sometimes just can't relate to it.....my friends eat organic meat now, while I am scouring the ads for cheap chicken.

I know the best way is to just hunker down and get through these times. I also have to let go of disappointment in myself for overspending, and also have faith that I have been through much worse as a young person, and I cannot let my fears cloud my mentality.

My neighborhood has changed quite a bit, and it is hard relating to some of the changes. There are more expensive stores and people with much higher incomes moving into my area. People pay ridiculous amounts of money from the local boutiques, and it just kind of irks me.

I do accept that if it weren't for the debt (that I fully take responsibility for), then I would have a lot of disposable income to put towards savings and towards more trips.

Money is something that I love to talk about. Money is also something that I feel consumes a large part of my personality. I have friends that I can discuss money issues with, and friends for whom the topic is a bit touchy and I don't feel comfy having those types of conversations with.

I grew up very poor---eating in soup kitchens, government cheese, finding that a mouse had bitten its way into my desired jar of peanut butter, and loving the $3.50 rice plates. Yes, beef and broccoli was usually my favorite pick.

Now I make a middle class income, and live in an expensive city where some people don't think my income is so middle class.

I grew up not having much and being constantly ridiculed for it. This led me to become very anti-label and anti-pricey items. I would prefer to spend money on a plane ticket than a designer bag. I wear my jeans until there are holes in them, and while I love technology, I am still using a cell phone that is 2 years old.

Money shapes how I am feeling---when I have a lot of savings, I am very happy and content, even if I have debt. When I don't have a lot of savings, I am more worried and anxious. I am working on overcoming how my money situation affects me as I know it isn't the best.

Right now I am working on paying off my debt....I anticipate having all of my debt paid off in under 3 years.

I totally heart traveling, and without adequate savings, I just can't justify going on any trips at this time. So, my urge to see the world is stifled a bit.

I really appreciate this type of blog because I think that money is one of those things that people cannot always talk openly about. On here, I can gripe and smile and be open about how I am feeling and hopeful that people may have simimar concerns or understandings.