The Best Me I Can Be Personal Finance Blog

So, I have been earning some money doing part-time work, and that has been making things soooo much less stressful, as far as finances go. I am also able to buy the type of food that may be better for me health wise. I also like the fact that I can go to an occasional event with a friend, and not only have to order water.

I am hoping to use my part-time money to pay for just regular monthly stuff like extra food, household and car necessities, etc. My bf gave me money this month, even though he now lives with his friend and has a roommate. I am not sure if he is going to continue to do this, although it did help a lot. He wants to help me more and to ask him for help, but that is hard for me to do at times. I always worry if he may need it more than I do, or what he is going through. Things are different between us now, so things are less marriage minded, and more friendship minded because he is dealing with a lot of things with his family, and needs to put more of a focus on that, than on the whole relationship aspect. I am sad about that, but think that maybe he will be happier if he focuses on that, and maybe it will help me to focus more on the things I need to accomplish for myself as well.

I am very happy that with the extra money for food and just feeding myself, I am able to just eat the sometimes weird, but healthier food that I like. I can make a lot of the food I like that others may get tired of. I am also able to give money to my family who has been helping me and I am happy about that.

So, I had a recent situation where a person really tried to make me feel unaccomplished. Mind you, I am the first in my family to go to college, my family is proud of that, and all things considering, I have turned out a lot better than some people, looking back all those years, may have possibly assumed from my upbringing.

But, this person, who I don't really know outside of certain situations, made a really serious attempt to treat me as inferior because I did not have the degree that they have. And you know what? I did end up feeling bad and unaccomplished and insecure. I ended up feeling bad about myself and upset at the person for making me feel that way. I realize that they just brought back previous negative interactions we had had where they had put me in a place of having limited information and where I had to constantly ask them for help (even though I should have been able to ask someone else who was more of the correct person to talk to), and it made me feel inferior. I also realized that I allowed them to make me feel this way.

I realized from this experience that I have so much to be thankful for, and while I am not the most accomplished person, I am doing good in my life and each person has their own successes at their own pace. I realized that I shouldn't have let that person ruffle my feathers and I also realize that if I had not felt inferior, I would have been more open, and would have discussed certain things (advanced degrees cost money). But because they spoke in a way and were open about having a lot of cash, I did not feel comfortable disclosing more about how I felt or my thoughts about it.

My budget is going ok. I have been bad in that I have been eating out more and I need to slow down on that. Tonight I am making my breakfast and lunch for work.

I worry a lot about my bf. He is really stressed and seems very sad about his family situation. I feel bad because at times he felt I was critical (I thought I was being helpful), and so he doesn't feel very comfortable necessarily opening up and talking to me about the family situation. He tells me it is hard to talk about. I also feel bad because it really is a hard situation, and his family has to work it out, but he is the one that is being hurt by it emotionally, ya know? I feel so bad because I don't know how to help or how to fix it, and I don't know how to cheer him up. He spent time with me recently, but we have been spending a lot less time together. He says he hasn't been much in the mood for any kind of celebration type activities, and I am not sure that he could get any time off to relax if he asked as he is really busy at work.

I have been trying to keep focused on not being stressed and also trying to eat somewhat healthy. I have plenty of food in my fridge and am not so stressed about food and that feels good. Of course, I realize that my stresses about food probably sound very elitist at times. I have never gone hungry, and really, maybe only had less healthy food options, but I have been blessed to always have enough to eat. I realize that I am very fortunate.

With my budget, I realize that I really need to work on it more. I realize that the stress from some family issues and my bf and feeling insecure, just made me want to over eat or buy silly stuff that isn't really needed or important. I also realized that I had set some money aside, and had somehow forgotten about it. I can't tell you when I set this money aside (not this month), so I am wondering how bad my budgeting was that I was short, but didn't automatically remember about the money I had set aside. Sigh. I am going to do better about that and get my budgeting better under control.

thank you everybody for listening to the little random thoughts that are my life thus far. I do realize that we are constantly learning beings.

The event tonight didn't go so well. Sure, I wore one of my best dresses (that I get compliments on, but still feels very tent like and unflattering, but more comfortable than any other dress I own), and I did my make-up extra special, but I still felt unbelievably out of place. I saw some old friends from school, and everyone seems to be going on with their lives and just being so very normal. I realize that from the outside, there are people from where I am from, from the circles I grew up in, that would see me as the normal one who have accomplished a lot. And yet, when I compare myself to this group of people I went to school with, I feel like the one who is not with it. I know that you should never compare yourself against anyone else, because you will often be disappointed or feel that you fall short. I think the combination of my bf being unsure of what he wants (and our discussion about our love for one another, but uncertainty about our long term relationship), the issue with my expectations about being paid today, the fact that I haven't been getting good sleep lately, and the really draining week was a bit more than I could handle today. I ended up leaving early cause I just felt so very depressed.

I put a smile on my face and was really friendly and nice to everyone. But, as I sat there sipping my water and not knowing very many people, I just felt more and more like I needed to get home. There were people there who seemed to just be doing everything that I want to do, and it is hard at times to see. I feel like there are so many things in my life that are out of control right now, and I feel that how I look reflects that a lot. I feel like my budget is out of control in many ways---not crazily so, but in all actuality, I feel like I am spinning my wheels and not sticking to it like I should and maybe that is because it is not realistic to begin with. Is it too hard for me to accept that I may only buy x amount of beans or gallons of milk per month? Should I just deal better with sticking to my plans, even if it means not always being full or satisfying a craving?

I feel a bit like my health is out of control. I have been very lucky and am generally pretty healthy. I am just dealing with some aspects that make me feel like I have lost a bit of pep in my step. Right now, my back is tightening and I think it is just a combination of the cold, of being tired, and of stress. There are some aspects of my health that are so far out of control I feel like I am powerless over improving things. I know that isn't rationally true, but that is how I feel.

I think it would be good for me to get a good night's rest, and tomorrow, think about things hopefully with a clearer head.

thank you everyone for reading my blog and for going on this roller coaster that is my life, as it seems.

Well, as the end of January nears, I can freely admit that I did not live up to my New Year's resolution. I told myself that I did not want to feel like I did last year, this year. And yet, I made the same mistakes this month as I did last month.

So, I was short a bit for this month, and I knew it, and could have bought food in a better way, and really planned out the daily necessities. I also did not make clear details with my bf about how much I needed....so I went through the negative pattern of spending my money thinking that I am going to get more on a certain day. then it was a bit less that I expected, and so I am stressing. Then, I get another amount of cash that again, I could have budgeted a bit better, and I had the weekend planned out in terms of how I would use the money. I found out that I may be getting more money today (an early paycheck), and so, I bought myself some coffee and treated myself nicely. Then, I find out that there was some issue and well, I am not getting any money. Again, i almost cried because I had gotten my hopes up about being able to afford going to an event.

Last night my bf and I had an argument, and well, he is taking some time for himself. It is such a hard time right now. I feel bad because our communication isn't so good, I have been stressed about money and that has led to a lot of our arguments. When I had more money and felt more comfortable, we rarely argued.

I am going to an event because I feel that I should, but not necessarily because I want to. There will be a lot of successful 30-somethings there, and it is a posh/upper scale type of locale. I am feeling so brow beaten and down, that all I really want to do is to climb into my bed. My bf and I talked and we agreed that we will always love each other. I am just not sure that with everything my bf is going through, that he really has time to be with me, and that we do need to work on how we talk to each other. It is just hard accepting this. I do fear being alone. Being broke and alone sucks even more.

My bf has been telling me to stop worrying about him so much. He also gave me money to buy food for myself for the weekend. He is a very good man, and I get upset at myself for not being as patient as I should.

Thank you all for listening to me tonight. It means a lot as I want to go to this event, say my hellos, and not be all teary eyed in front of a bunch of people who make me feel insecure.

So, today I felt my heart rate increasing, and well, I was just in a place mentally of being frustrated and upset, and needing to vent. I did that whole writing it out thing, but talked to someone about how I was feeling. They helped me to see a different perspective, and I opted to wait a bit before discussing the issue again. And well, that person came to me and we discussed it and it was a very good talk. I felt much better about the talk. Still a bit upset at the issue in general, but I am hoping that my heart rate will chill out about it.

My bf has been really nice the past few days (of course he is nice always). I told him what had happened and how I was feeling and he was very concerned and came across as very protective. I really liked that, I must admit. I think I am the person who usually tries to protect others.

I am still yearning for pay day so I can buy some of the food that I want, but I am not worried about being able to feed myself or anything like that. I do feel a bit odd because I have a friend who is having an event, and I want to go to be supportive, but if I have to pay for parking, that is going to be very difficult. I also will probably not have anything except for water, as I am not in the position to be buying 8 dollar drinks.

I am really happy that I have a bit of extra money to put towards my bills next month. Of course I am already short for my bills next month, but with the extra money, and maybe some money from my bf, I should be ok.

This has been a semi-rough week that has left me so eager to get home most days than not, so I am hoping that I can really relax and take it easy this weekend.

I want to as always, thank so many of you for your comments. They make me feel very special. I feel like I can be open about how I am feeling. the whole process with my bf made me realize I needed to be more open about both my faults, and things in our relationship that we needed to work on. Also, when it comes to money, I can't talk to friends about my insecurities because, well, maybe I feel ashamed about it. I also feel that they may not be able to really understand.

I am looking forward to sticking to my goals next month of avoiding using any of my credit cards to pay for necessities. I am also going to focus on trying to buy only what is necessary first, and then, if there is money left over, that can be used for more fun items.

So, I am feeling ok as far as my budget goes. My bf and I had a good talk, and we discussed that he feels that I worry about him too much and he wants me to focus more on myself. I do realize that how I was acting was coming across as too motherly at times. I don't really know how to fix that, as I feel like I have always been taking care of someone for a large chunk of my life. And it is true that there have been times when I worried more about what he was eating (because of the type of work he does) than what I was eating. Of course, when we would argue, I would bring it up and he would be upset because he didn't know that was happening.

So, as my bf and I were talking I did say that I understand that I come across too motherly at times, and he said that he didn't like that. So, I am going to stop doing that so much. I am trying to find a balance between being caring, and being apathetic. If I see he is hungry, I am not going to be ambivalent about it. But, I could probably just ask him once only if he is hungry and leave it at that.

He wants me to focus on making sure that I am ok, and he wants to help me out financially when he gets his tax refund.

We are scheduling a date night soon, and I am really looking forward to that.

I have been focusing on just getting things that make me happy lately, and not thinking of trying to buy food that he prefers, etc. He is a good guy, and I realize that we both have to work on issues that we have in our relationship.

I am feeling good about money for February, as I was able to bring in extra hours this month. So, I am thinking that will bring in another $285 or so bucks. Woo hoo! I am also considering changing my car insurance, but the problem is that if they ask for a large first payment (sometimes as much as $600 bucks!), then I cannot afford it and I will just stay with my current carrier.

I want to thank all of you for all of your support and advice. It does help me to think about things.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching. It is true that some of the comments make me feel sad, because, I realize that the problems I have in my relationship are not all one person's fault, but a combination of the both of us.

I do admit that at times I put his needs before mine. He doesn't like that I do that, and at times, I don't know how to not do that, ya know?

It would be different if my bf made more money and spent lavishly on himself. But instead, he doesn't make a lot, and he feels obligated to help his family (which some may not agree with, but I understand that at times we all feel like we may have to help family, even when it is tough for us), and I can't go into detail about the hard times he has been through, but they are hard and my heart goes out to him. He goes without things he needs for himself in order to help his family and pay bills. And, he does give me money for rent and food and utilities. Is it always enough? No. Do I always manage my budget like I should? No. Do me and my bf need to be a lot clearer about things that are needed and our financial goals? Yes. Is it always easy to talk to him about this? No.

I do realize that I need to focus on myself more. My bf tells me this constantly, and that I should not worry about him so much. I am not sure how to go about that. Part of me feels it would be cold to be only concerned about myself. But, I also realize that when I get frustrated about things, he often isn't sure why I am frustrated because I didn't tell him until things are really tight. It also is a situation of I wait until the last minute, and he is already broke as well, so, the stress level just intensifies.

Also, I am dealing with issues of feeling like I "look poor" at work, with the anger I feel at myself for getting into the debt I am in (if it were not for the debt, I would have an extra grand, if not more, for miscellaneous expenses), AND, even though I do well with planning my budget, I continuously overspend on food and snacks. I think that all of this usually makes me end up getting so frustrated and stressed out.

I am going to work on putting my needs first, while still being a loving and supporting gf. My bf worries that I do a lot of thins for his benefit, and not for mine. How can I correct this impression?

So, me and my bf talked and I realized that I had made an assumption when I wrote the prior blog. I had thought that he wasn't going to help me with a bill, which meant that the money he was giving me, was really less than what I had anticipated. But, in reality, the money he was going to give me was for part of his share of expenses, with more being given when he gets another check he is expecting, and he was also planning on giving me the money for the bill that I had paid. So, with the extra money for the bill, things aren't quite so tight as I thought.

I do have to agree with many of you. I do need to be more firm and clear about what I need. We often argue because he says I will say things one minute, and then make a completely different request later. Or that I need help, but don't tell him that until I really, really need it, and usually, I am upset or stressed at that point and it doesn't come out well.

Bf wants to give me money from an upcoming check he is expecting, and that is money just for me, and not towards his portion of the bill. He also brought me some nice treats yesterday. I do admit that when i ask him to get me something, I try to make it something that isn't expensive, because I worry about him spending too much of his money. I think I need to stop doing that. Maybe that reflects more on what I am afraid to ask for for myself?

I think, and it is hard to explain, that yes, I have not been good at asking what I really need. I need to be better with that. I often expect him to understand what I need. Or, I don't ask him for enough, things get tight, and I get stressed and we argue.

I also feel that he is working very hard at his job, just doesn't really make enough, and I do feel bad because with bills he has to pay, most of his check is gone once he gets it. Which, does occur with most of us, but I would be upset as well if I earned what he did, and found myself not really having money for things I need for myself because I have to pay bills for loved ones. I don't always agree with him doing that, but I do understand that he is at a place in his life where he feels he needs to do that in order to be a good provider for his family.

I don't want it to come across as if he isn't helping. I do need to also be clear that if I had followed my budget like I should have this month, then I would not be short money. An example would be that this morning I did my budget (expecting to get additional money from a relative), and had plenty of money to pay for things until I get my paycheck. Well, I did buy about $12 worth of stuff that was not really necessary. I didn't discuss things with my relative about the money, and felt weird about asking for help because there were a lot of people around, so I ended up not getting the help and that $12 I spent on non-needed things could have really helped with other needed things. So, to be fair, I am not as good as budgeting as I would like to be and I need to work on that.

I do think that my bf really needs to figure out his budget better, and that we should be able to talk about money and his budget without him getting upset. If the things he is experiencing weren't happening, then yeah, i would say that he doesn't like me so much. But, we have discussed the things he is going through with his family, and I see the amount of stress he is under (way worse than anything I am experiencing, so you get an idea of the image), and I just think that right now he is trying to take care of a lot of things, and doesn't have much energy left over to take care of making himself happy or the relationship. He is constantly telling me that he is dealing with things and for me to not think that it has to do with me. But, I generally think it does, and it takes me time to see the reality that it doesn't have much to do with me, but really everything he is going through.

next month, I am going to not overspend like I did this month. I am also going to take your good advice and put money aside for the necessities---sometimes I think that because the money is in my checking account, I use my atm, and then work out the budget. Not a good thing to do. I also need to follow your advice and not spend to the end of my budget, but try and leave wiggle room if possible. I also need to put myself first. When i told my bf of how I eat at times to save money, he got very upset, and wants me to focus more on myself and less on worrying about him having food. I admit that I do that at times, and that probably isn't an attractive trait, and yeah, i think it is a bit mothering. I feel that is something I need to work on myself.

I want to thank you all for your comments and advice. I do take them to heart and they do help to give me perspective.

So, somehow, after the big argument with my bf last month, I made a statement that I had enough money to pay for bills for the house for the first half of the month, and that my bf could wait until the latter half of the month to pay for his portion of rent and utilities and food. Also, there is a routine bill that he pays that is not included in this amount. Most of the time he cannot pay this bill on time because of his limited income and when he gets paid.

So, I was not clear about the exact amount of money I needed from him. And, because it is like pulling teeth to get him to sit down (we have never sat down and physically wrote out our expenses and income--I write out the house expenses and my income and his expected portion) I am now in a situation that makes me want to cry because really, I am short around $20-$30, which means I have to borrow money from friends and/or family until I get paid.

I am so upset because he doesn't budget, he doesn't make enough to be as non-budgeted as he is. I know he is supposed to pay some large bill he has and I would expect or hope that he would have saved money from his last check to do that. I am not sure that is the case as he doesn't like to talk about money or budgeting, and when I ask him things, he acts as if I am stressing him out or not being clear about what I need.

So, I told him the minimum of what I needed with a $20 range. He can only give on the low end. I also forgot about the bill he is supposed to pay each month, and if he will give me money for that. So, if I take into account what he bought this month, and what he is giving me, then he is $105 dollars short.

The problem is that because he didn't give me enough so far this month, then I am asking to "borrow" money. This is really crappy because why do I have to say borrow. Should I really just start saying "have"? Meanwhile, there are times when he has more money in his pocket than I do, for misc stuff like eating out, etc.

He has also been home a lot less, so I wonder if he pays less because of this. I am frustrated and I want to cry and I feel like everytime I try to talk about money with him, it is an argument because he says that I am saying it in the wrong way, etc.

I am frustrated because I was so happy about getting money today (my gas tank is on E, seriously), and also paying back my relative for a nice gesture she made towards me, and now I don't have enough for that. I have enough to repay another friend, buy gas, and maybe enough food for the next 9 days. Again, I am having to be in the mode of being anxious for the 1st, and I hate that, because it feels like being on welfare all over again.

When there is plenty of food in the fridge, then I find myself to be a very happy camper.

I have cleaned out most of the fridge, and while it looks a bit sparse, it also looks much brighter (more avail space to reflect light?), and well, less cluttered and I have an idea of all the things available to eat.

Overall, this month has been a lot less stressful moneywise. It could be because on certain months I am supposed to save money for a bill that is bi-monthly, so in essence, I have a little bit of a buffer for when I overspend. Though, of course, I need to recoup that money the following month.

My bf has been spending less time with me, and I miss his company. I do think it is important for him to have the space that he needs. Since I am feeding just myself, and tend to eat just about anything for any meals, the food budget has gone down a bit as well. My bf will be giving me money this week for his portion of the rent, and I am just hoping that things go smoothly. I say this because it seems like we often have communication problems and we end up arguing. It is very stressful. I am also in a situation where I like to schedule and plan out my budget, and my bf doesn't like to discuss it until the day of or after he receives his paycheck. Personally, I would be calculating my hours and how much I plan to receive even before I get my check, but he waits until he receives it to form his budget. Sigh. And I feel like it stresses him out because it is pretty much spent before he even gets it, or his plans for it (something as simple as buying needed shoes) are changed at the last minute because his family needs help or some bill comes up. It is a difficult situation for him and I feel bad that he has to go through that. Especially since he works so hard and doesn't earn very much.

I have been doing odd jobs on the side, so I am really happy about the extra money it will bring in. Any little bit really helps.

Things have been stressful in other areas. At times certain people who have issues with image and wealth have tried to be downputting to me. (yeah, I think I just made that word up) Their tone is constantly as if they have a superiority complex and it is frustrating. It makes me feel that whenver I see them, I need to have a specific outfit on, etc., and not display any semblance of being on a budget, etc. I don't think it is right that I should have to feel that way, but i guess that is how things are right now. It doesn't help that another person above me doesn't seem to appreciate my frugalness and makes little comments about it that seem more like mocking than accepting. Sigh.

Next month my bf and I are going to do the shopping together. Both so he can see how much things really cost, but also so that I can buy enough food at one time and not have to make multiple trips to the grocery store. My goal is to buy enough food for 2 weeks or so at a time.

I am also working on making more time for me and doing the things that make me happy.

I have been watching the news about Haiti and I am saddened and upset and frustrated and filled with a sense of not being able to help as much as I would like.

I would love to be able to get on a plane and go and help them. I feel like even though I have no Haitian ancestry (that I know of, though, we are related in reality, aren't we?), that I want to go and help them as I consider them to be my people.

I feel silly about worrying and stressing because I may have to eat beans for a week, when the people of Haiti, even before the quake, don't have such an option and might consider my quips to be like a wealthy tyrant complaining about the quality of their excesses. I donated money---the text feature made it easier for me to do so because I can pay that bill next month. I admit that if I had to pay the amount directly out of my checking account, I am not sure I would have made that choice. I know, that is such a selfish way to think in the midst of such a horrific occurrence.

I am frustrated by the images I am seeing on tv----about the pictures of those who have died--I understand that some media want to give a face to the tragedy that will move people to action. But I also feel like some of the pictures are a bit disrespectful to the dead. It is not that they should not be shown, for they should so people can get in touch with a place and a culture they may be far removed from. But, just some of the images seem so...disturbing....I am also frustrated by the images of the fighting and those that are spreading rumors and discouraging people from eating the offered food, etc. I dislike it because some people in the states will use those images to fuel their own inhumane rhetoric.

I am thinking that I will send more money. I feel so sad for what I am seeing on the tv, and so sad that people who already have such difficult lives have to endure such a monumental catastrophe. Just seeing the people with the hankerchiefs or hands over their faces is heart breaking. I have never smelled that smell, and I hope I never have to. I am saddened because I think that in chaos and when fighting for your life, you resort to a basic struggle, and I worry that for many that may be watching the news through eyes that already lack understanding, they may misinterpret that struggle for survival to reiterate their misunderstandings. I know and I hope that the majority of people watching do see the struggle for life and understand that they would possibly act in the same way if in the same situation.

I really feel like my life is meant to be of some good use. At times I wonder how much I really am helping people. I think at times that I am not happy because I don't feel like I have much purpose. I have seriously considered that if the life I want for myself does not happen (marriage, kids, house, pets), then I will hurl myself into some sort of an effort to help people who are in need of help and whom I may be able to provide help.

On the home front, I am slowly, very slowly, taking steps at improving myself. I worked on improving my appearance and making an effort at avoiding dressing down. I took the time to work on a home repair project that I saw constantly, yet didn't take the 20 minutes to fix. Why? Why would I do that? Tonight I fixed it and it made me smile. I know it is not a huge part of what needs to be done, but it is a good step. And for this new year I want to continue to make good steps and continuously work at doing the things that I need to do, that ultimately give me comfort and a sense of accomplishment.

I have noticed that I have become a bit more sensitive about things that pertain to money....Something that would have been only a bit disappointing a year ago, feel like a much bigger deal now. I think that part of it is because I don't have that buffer in my budget---so if I have an extra expense or overspend on food, then I am effectively impacting something else that is needed. I am not yet where I want to be with managing my budget, but I am seeing more and more how different my spending habits are now from even just a year ago. Now, I am always counting, counting, counting, and thinking about trying to balance my budget. I think this is probably done more than is good for ones stress level, though. But for me I feel like i have to constantly keep on top of it because when I don't think about it for even just a few days and buy fast food here, a burrito there, some coffee over there, then I am suddenly overspent and stressed.

My bf has been really in a better mood lately. He is very encouraging that I have enough food to eat (sometimes I give him more food than I give myself---I am not starving, but it may be that I give him the better food, and I make do when it comes to lunch---a soda and chips for lunch because it is just $1), and he seems more helpful. It makes me happy.

I have been working on dealing with feelings I have about some people I know who try to make me feel like I am less than they are. It doesn't help that these same people are constantly displaying and focusing on how expensive something is that they own or bought or wear. I feel at times that my strength is not apparent to them because I may earn less than they do, or because my appearance may not reflect that I am an intelligent person with a good paying job. I think at times that they just see uneducated when they talk to me, as they make subtle comments that suggest their feeling as such.

Has anyone else ever experienced this phenomena---you have x amount of days until you get paid, and you are literally counting each day as they pass? I find myself doing that alot and really, I don't think it is a good thing for me. I get worried about if I need to buy something, or waiting as long as possible before buying something in a hope to not have to buy it until after I get paid. I end up counting out food and meals per each day and some of my more recreational activities like going to a cafe, etc., are put off until I am better off financially.

I have noticed that it seems like time seems to fly by when you think this way. Or is this more related to just working full time and the aging process? (Remember when you were younger and the days seemed to take forever! Now, a weekend races by and you are left a little downtrodden on Sunday evening wondering where time went.

I have better goals in plan for next month. Namely, I am going to try and buy as much food and necessities as will fit in my apartment so that I have enough for the entire month and am not scrambling to pay for basics like paper towels.

I am not feeling as stressed as I was last month, and that is good. I still need a lot of fine tuning on my budgeting skills, however, and I want to improve that for next month.

So, I have been feeling a lot better about money in the new year. I told myself that I did not want to go thru that level of stress and worry about money that I did last year. And, what I did differently this year, was that I bought a good amount of food at the beginning of the month so that even if I was broke, I would not be without food, nor having to eat super unhealthy things. I am also doing better at eating what I have at home, and trying to avoid my cravings to buy food and drink outside.

I paid off a large bill last year, and this year I will have another large bill paid off, which will let me have more disposalbe cash--or really, cash i can put towards improving my diet and to put towards my savings. I have been working really hard at a very good job, and yet, because of bad money management, I am not fully able to enjoy the fruit of my labors because so much of my income goes to paying off debt.

I am dealing with where I am in my life right now, and where I want to be. I am also meeting more people from long ago who make me feel a bit more behind than i really am---they seem super professional and successful and they are starting families and all of that. And, well, as for me, I am feeling a bit stuck. I am worried about getting married, getting the home that I want, having kids, being a happy mom making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, etc. I know that if I look at where I have come from, most people from my background would have had multiple kids by now, very little education, etc. I am blessed to have had the opportunities that I have and the experiences that I have had. But when I see other people like me who went on a different path, and yet still are happy and raising kids, etc., it makes me wonder a lot. Did I work too much? Did I not focus on myself--on being the person I need to be, while focusing on making money (that was useful, but eventually spent).

I have been feeling a bit conflicted about this and just trying to sort everything out. I had an experience this weekend where I got to see something like a dream home. I didn't know who the owners were, but I imagined them to be rich. The place was so relaxing and inviting, though a bit sparse. It made me have something to look forward to in my life. I worry about being able to make that dream come true, ya know?

So, my bf and I had a huge argument that was basically over money, but of course, there were deeper issues involved---our relationship, contributions to the household, etc.

I said some things that I think were hurtful. Some of them were truthful--as running a household takes equal input from both people, and at times, I needed more help than I think I realized. And, because of my bf's responsibilities to his family, I often felt last on his list of priorities.

My bf is not the type to argue, so our arguments really stress him, and he does not easily forget them. Also, I think our arguments are making him like me less and less. I feel so bad because I feel like maybe I haven't been as understanding as I should have, and then another part of me realizes that maybe I have been understanding, but it is hard for my bf to contribute because of the stress and things he is going through outside of our relationship.

I am sad because I think he may want to break up. Part of me thinks he deserves someone who doesn't argue as much, and is more in line with his personality. Part of me feels like he is the kindest person I have ever loved, and he has helped me more than anyone I have ever loved (family excluded). He has helped me more than my friends, etc.

It is weird because we have this really deep love for each other. At least, it feels that way to me. I feel like we love each other so much, but maybe are not compatible on some levels. In my heart, I want him to be happy, and I wonder if I am able to be that person.

We talked about things and he wants to contribute more, even if we are not living together. I told him that he doesn't have to, but he said he wants to. I feel like he really wants the best for me, and isn't that what is really important? More than if we share the same love of music or hobbies?

For 2010 I want to be better with my budget. I want to improve and take better care of the things I have (like my apartment), and I want to place a stronger emphasis on being healthy and happy.

I wish those of you who have taken the time to read my thoughts to have a healthy, happy, and safe New Year.

So, tonight I am a bit contemplative and thinking about where I am in my life right now, and how I would like things to be in the New Year. I think many of us can say that 2009 has been a very difficult year. It hasn't been the most difficult year of my life, Thank God, but it has been a bit uncomfortable.

I realize that I squandered a lot of my money on silly things like coffee, fast food, clothes I maybe wore only a few times (who else has bought clothes because they didn't wash clothes and needed something to wear immediately?), etc., etc., etc. I am blessed to say that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a good job, and food in my refrigerator. I realize that much of my stress and anxiety is really due to poor choices that I have made.

I am going to take the time off around the holidays to really work on myself. My goal was to eat a certain way, primarily more healthy, but because of budget and money issues, and my desire to have something in my checking account, I may not be able to do that. Right now I am just trying to focus on having enough food to last until the New Year. I did buy my favorite food and drink (cider!) to have on the New Year as tradition.

I have also talked with my boyfriend about needing his help more. I think next year will be better because I am paying off more debt, and that is making any pay cuts less difficult. I told him that I will need him to help more, and that I know he is stressed with his family obligations, and that I don't want to stress him, but there are times when I could really use the help. I can't tell you how often I am using my calculator to determine how much I can spend on what---it is like I am constantly recounting things, trying to make all the numbers crunch just right.

I know it may sound sexist, but I think that it may help our relationship if I depend on my bf more. I think that my not asking him for help sometimes bothers him. This morning I made breakfast, and I think he was worried that I wasn't going to eat---most of the time I do not. But I am not starving by any means.

I feel bad about not giving much of anything to charity this year. Usually I give some type of food. This year, I just didn't plan right, and so I don't have money for it, right now. I feel bad about that, and it hurts my heart when I see people on the street, as that is one of my biggest fears.

As a woman, I really worry about being alone and all of that. I see so many homeless women, whose bodies have been changed by lack of food, medical care, etc., and it makes me sad and scares me as well. I know I come from strong stock, so to speak (we are sturdy women, I feel), but I worry about being alone, and I worry about debt and all of that. Sometimes I feel that if you aren't the most attractive women, life is a bit harder. I know, I know, people are getting upset right now, and I don't mean to uspet you. I am just speaking what I feel, ya know? Its not that I don't think I am attractive, because I do think I have nice features, but I am just not sure if those features are what someone would like to marry. I think my bf wants to get married one day, but I am not sure that he is thinking of me as the one. Things have been difficult for him lately, and it has really affected our relationship.

I am just speaking my thoughts right now, and I am not blue or anything, just being honest about those things that race through our minds from time to time, ya know?

I want to manage my buget better in 2010. I want to not have to feel so uncomfortable all of the time, and feel like I am a pauper when I make a good living. I want to pay off more debt and free up some of the money I work hard for so that I can put it towards savings and improving myself.

I will make a list of things I want to accomplish. One thing I would really like to do is to be able to redecorate and rejuvenate my apartment. I want to make it more cozy and comfortable. Right now I think I just have more stuff than space, and that makes things not as relaxing or inviting as I would like.

I have been feeling kind of odd lately. Hard to explain. I recently saw a friend I had from grade school, and they seem to be doing great! They have a nice house, a married with kids, etc., and generally look very happy. And this made me feel kind of odd and sad. I am not sad because they are happy, I am sad because I always thought that they were kind of perfect (of course, no one is perfect), or appeared to have this ideal life. And now, decades later, I see that they do appear to be having the life I imagined they would.

And, when I compare my life with theirs, I realize that I have accomplished some good things in my life, and that, considering where I come from, I didn't turn out too bad, ya know? I think my parents would be proud of me. I think. But, as far as how I feel about myself inside, I am upset that I have debt and that is somewhat impeding the ability to start a family or buy a home for my future family, and I am upset that my budget isn't so great, and I am upset that my weight has just skyrocketed and gotten totally out of control. Sigh.

I also feel a bit odd because I love my bf, and I think he loves me, too. I am not sure if he really wants to marry me, though, ya know? Partly, I feel like we love each other, but I am not sure if marriage is right for us. The budget issue is one problem in our relationship, and I would like things to be different before I consider getting married. I would like us to be able to be really good about managing our budgets and being able to talk about it, without it always being stressful. We are getting better at it, though.

I think my bf would be a good dad, when he decides that he wants to be one. I think he would like to be one, but he might want to see the world a bit more before settling down, ya know? I also worry about how we would be able to merge our budgeting issues and focus on bills better, etc. We have a lot of work to do in that regard as right now, I feel like his focus is to pay his family's bills, which is understandable, but, in the same regard, I want to be able to feel like my needs matter as well. He does help me, there are just times when I feel like I am not one of his priorities, ya know? Whereas I do feel that taking care of the home and providing food is a priority for me.

So, I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else. I think that I am just a bit blue because I am afraid of being a lonely old miser. I know, I know, I still have time, it is just that as I am meeting more and more people who already have kid(s) and are having their 2nd and 3rd child, it makes me worried. Then, add to the fact that sometimes my bf makes jokes that he doesn't want any, well, it only heightens my anxiety and sadness.

I am going to take the holidays to work on myself a bit. I think I will be a better mom if I take care of myself the way I should.

So, this week has been a slightly okay and slightly weird one. My budget issues had a wrench situation because of the whole credit card annual fee.

I find myself having cravings for my favorite food, my favorite items, and my favorite experiences. They feel a lot like a quiet yearning, a form of escapism in some ways, ya know?

I also find myself thinking about the future I want, and hoping that I am able to live the life that I really want. I want to be married, and own my own home, and have children and the minivan and all of that. Right now, because times are tough, I am really worried about being able to achieve those wants. Sometimes, I find that I get sad when I see some who may not have worked as hard, or who didn't have this huge desire for a normal life, just have it and don't think twice about it, ya know?

I am looking forward to the New Year and hoping that it will be better than this year. I am optimistic because my budget will not be as tight as it is now, and I will have another large bill paid off in 2010. Woo hoo!!

Sigh, the old cc companies that I am paying off every month are really trying to just make my Christmas bah humbug.

I have 3 credit card/loans with a specific bank that is supposed to be for our country, and they have lowered the available credit on all of the accounts. Sigh. I wouldn't mind because I wasn't using that available credit anyway (not at the ridiculous default 24%+ rate they wanted to give me, even though i have not missed a payment or done any default type activities), but I am upset because their actions have already reduced my credit scores. Sigh. In some cases, my score went down 14 points!

Secondly, the credit card that I do like, has an annual memebership fee. I did not know they would assess that fee this month, and by doing so, they reduced my available credit. So, the available credit I had I was going to use to buy a couple of gifts for Christmas (paying it back of course in January as my budget will not be as tight), and well, now I can't do that.

Now, I have a tradition of giving certain gifts, and I am wondering what to do now. I am somewhat okay with food, though I do see that we will need some basics like water, eggs, etc. My bf has been so stressed about money and bills for his family lately that he has been sort of snappy and tense, and he has been buying things for the house, and will have given me $40 more this month than our agreement, so I feel weird about asking hime for more, ya know? Even though I have helped him out a lot. Sigh.

I feel like since I have helped my bf out for many months and floated him when he had no job, that my asking for additional help during the past few months should be okay. The only problem is that because of his family's issues, he is funneling a large portion of his budget to assist with their bills. I have spoken about it, but, he cannot be disuaded from doing so at this time. And really, I can't tell someone how to spend their money, ya know? If he could give me an additional $40 instead of the $20 I requested earlier, I would be a lot less stressed, plus, I would be able to get food for the both of us for Christmas.

I just don't want to be upset if he declines to help me. I do think that it may be upsetting because he has already not done certain things he said he would do (like our trip), because he has been paying the debts of his family (though I don't really always agree with that).

So, I can say happily that this month has NOT been as stressful as previous months. Primarily because a relative helped me out with some much needed cash for some things I really needed, AND, the Big Guy was watching over me and I was able to buy some needed things much cheaper than previously planned.

My goal for this month is to have money in my checking and saving account when the New Year commences. Sounds weird, but, lately, I have been having less than a few dollars at the end of every month before my new paycheck comes. So, for me, it will be something special to have money I am not going to touch, until the new year.

Some friends did let me down a bit when it comes to a special event I had planned (most did not attend), and there was another event that involved food and money, and I felt really weird because I could only order the cheapest items on the menu, and my friends feasted on food that is very upscale and I really didn't understand why (the event wasn't in their honor). This made it more upsetting when they were not supportive of my event. But, the reality is that I cannot be upset at them, only upset at myself for not being better with my budget when I was more flush with cash.

There are still 2 weeks before the New Year, but I think I have enough food to last until then. My body has been very angry at me for eating foods that are cheap, but not what it really wants or needs. So, I will make it my new perogative to give my body the foods it really wants and that makes it the happiest, from a healthwise perspective.

I feel odd at times asking my family for help, and I talked to my relative about it. It really all comes from a place of feeling as if my family did not accept me, and to ask for help would be to reinforce whatever negative images they had of me. Of course, this is all just things I thought of, and not necessarily what my family felt AT all. In fact, my family said that at times they felt that they didn't have the right to be called my family. What a trip!?!? I do feel like there are some really big issues that we have to work on from the past, but I am feeling pretty good about it overall.

So, I am feeling pretty good today. Though my bf and I have big appetites, I am confident that the food I bought on the 1st, should last us all the way until the 11th, if not a bit longer. The only thing I may need to buy is seasoning. I am still debating on that one.

I am having a lazy day and just thinking about what I want to do for my staycation. Something cheap is in mind, but also fun. With Christmas coming up, I am already trying to figure out money in my budget to buy presents for loved ones. Sigh.

I had a good talk with my bf as I was a bit blue yesterday. I told him that I am making more money than I did a few years ago, and I am happy for that. I am a bit upset because I have less available credit than a few years ago, which makes it feel like my budget is tighter than years ago, and my cc companies have been dropping my credit limit as I pay it off---which is upsetting because that messes up my credit score, and I have always paid my bills on time.

I am thinking of ways that I want to improve my life, myself, and how I deal with my budget and finances. I will be happy when I have paid off my debt, and can seriously start putting money towards my savings.

So, my bf and I have decided to not do the vacation thing. I am a bit disappointed in that, as it just reminds me of where I was a few years ago, and where I am now. So, I am a bit bummed. Though, I am making more money now than a few years ago, and I am more than happy about that aspect.

I have been thinking a lot about my life, and what I want to do in it, and what I want to accomplish.

I did good so far this month, in that I bought enough food to last me and my bf until next friday or so---maybe longer. I really want to avoid going to the grocery store as much as possible, because I think that though I don't buy frivalous things, it still results in my overspending on food.

I have been writing down my purchases, and really watching what I buy and making lunch out of odds and ends. I do want to stop that aspect, as those odds and ends aren't really the most healthy for me.

This weekend has been a slightly odd one.

I got to spend Thanksgiving with family and friends and I generally had a good time. Part of my family has a bit of opulence, and, it brought back some memories of when I was a kid and my family was poor and we needed help. I feel a bit odd because my family really could have used some help, but the side that is more oppulent chose not to. No one ever has to help, but I feel bad when I think of certain experiences and things endured, that could have been better with their help.

My bf is also having more money problems with his family, so, our vacation is going to be very, very short. I still have no idea of where we are going to go, or what we are going to do, or how we are going to pay for it. And my bday is coming up as well, and the idea of what I want to do for my bday is less than $40 bucks total, but I am not even sure how if I will be able to do that. My relative may give me money for my bday, but I am thinking that I want to use that for something I need, rather than something I want. Sigh.

I also want to set aside money for the New Year. I don't want to be broke (like I am today---so broke I chose to buy food over buying gas) during the New Year, and I want to at least have a little bit of money to buy something nice to eat.

So, as I am going over my budget, I realize that while I thought this month was going to be a bit better, I will need to be even more strict about my budget and I may not be able to do the food options I had first thought of. Or maybe, I can be even more inventive with my cooking, and stick to even more beans?

So, Thanksgiving was a really good day. I had good food, and spent time with my family and loved ones. And yet, though I should be happy, I found myself slightly upset and losing sight of the big picture.

I felt weird because I was hoping that my relatives would send me home with some leftovers, but, no one went home with any. I was thinking of the food I had made at home, and how much food would last me and my bf until payday. There was also the usual family stuff, so that is probably why I am irritable.

I was able to get food from a friend, and I am happy about that. Today, was really hard, though. People were rushing to and fro for big screen tvs and sales and whatnot. I chose not to participate in it. It made me a bit anti-consumerism. In reality, if I had money, I might be doing the same thing they are.....because I am broke at the moment, it just sort of irritated me. I really can't be upset at anyone but myself for being broke. There isn't anything I really should be buying in a store, except for necessities and food and things.

Today I find myself just irritated and thinking of how I am changing my spending habits. I think back at all the silly stuff I bought years and years ago....magazines, expensive lattes and frappuccinos, clothes, etc. I never bought big ticket items, just small stuff that wasn't really worth much, just wasting money. Did I really need to buy magazines?

This experience of being broke is very uncomfortable, but ultimately helpful in many ways. Though I am irritated, I know that so many other people have it much worse than I do. I am blessed to have food and a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I have it pretty good, I just have to get over being angry at myself because being broke sort of sucks, but, I am doing ok.

Today I felt really awkward. I went with a friend grocery shopping, and as she said how much she had to spend, I just felt so upset at myself. Her budget for Thanksgiving was ALOT---almost my entire monthly food budget. I asked for help with buying a few food items---less than $10---I wasn't sure if she would say yes or no, but I figured I would ask. She explained how she had more items to buy, and couldn't help me out but would help me out next month. I appreciated her help, and I felt weird because I don't think she knows how I am counting out money for even the most basic necessities. I felt like crying----I am upset at myself for letting myself get in this situation. Thankfully, in less than 3 years I should have my debt paid off and will be much more budget minded.

I wanted so man things in the store---even just the simplest of food items. It was weird realizing that I can't get myself even a healthy treat because of bad spending habits. I am not very happy with myself right now.

So, things have been odd lately. I have been doing a lot of introspection and contemplation.

Things have been difficult this month, and my friends and family have been helping me out and I really appreciate it. I really dislike having to ask for help, and I dislike even more that I have not stuck to my own rules about budgeting and buying enough food at the beginning of the month. I find myself now trying to figure out how much I have to put towards a thanksgiving dinner, and what food to buy for the days in between thanksgiving and when I get paid again. Sigh.

I have had some discussions with my boyfriend, and I realize that I just have to remain firm about what I need and when. He has been helping me out, but because of budgeting issues, he gives me money later in the month, or he is giving me money in the beginning of the month, not realizing that it is really for something that didn't get paid in the previous month. Sigh. So, we are having to work on that. I do realize that if it weren't for him helping me, I would not have food money.

It is hard looking at where I was financially not too long ago, and where I am now. On one front, my bills are going down and a major bill will be paid off this year. woo hoo! On the other front, money is super tight, I worry alot about what to buy to feed me and my bf, and I am behind on doing some routine maintenance stuff (for both myself and in general). It is also hard at times hearing people talk about the things they are going to buy during the holiday shopping season. I am going to just stay home on that day. It is also hard hearing from friends them say one thing about finances, but living a different lifestyle. I helped a friend out and I thought they were having more financial problems, but it turns out they weren't, as they were discussing their discretionary spending and what they want to buy.

I think, that since bf gets paid soon, I will let him know that I need help and for him to bring food for us until payday. I feel like I am just getting really stressed about it.

I am just going to focus on trying to do things to make myself happy, such as relaxing, redecorating, hobbies, etc. And I am going to focus on sticking to my budget more strictly.

So, after yesterday's little mini crisis, I was able to talk to my family and friends and borrow the money.

I know $26 bucks isn't a lot, but when I am maxed out on cards and refuse to use the ones that will jump my interest rate to nearly 30%, and have a small savings I have a fear of using, then, well, it just seemed like a bit too much. This is taking into account that I had stupidly forgotten to check my checking account and kept going on the wrong balance info. Sigh. Then, when my bf said he couldn't help, that upped my heart rate a bit. We were able to have a good talk, and some anxiety I had had about our vacation dissipated. It will be put on hold for now. I am disappointed, but things are too hard right now, ya know?

I also have a problem with asking for help. I know that sounds silly, but I do. I don't like asking for help because I fear that people will let me down, and it will cause a rift between us, so I try not to ask whenever possible.

Things seem better today and with my family's help I will be able to buy food for Thanksgiving. A modest dinner, but one full of love, and I think that is all that matters, ya know?

So, I goofed on my budget, and when I had paid for something with my atm for a friend, and they paid me in cash, I didn't accurately estimate how much I had remaining in my checking account. So now,
on a tight budget, including money for gas and food, I am short $26 bucks. And I am left almost in tears. I am maxed out on my cc, and I have $26 in my savings, but I fear dropping below $300 in savings. Sigh. I feel like crying, and I just don't know what to do. I could not pay a bill, or pay it partially, but I don't know if they would negatively ding my credit for that, so I want to save that only as a last resort.

I have asked friends for help, but haven't yet received a response. I don't want to ask my family cause they have already helped me out and I would feel funny asking them.

The way things are with my budget, I don't see a trip really being all that possible.

So, last night I felt like I had this wave of encouragement and enthusiasm wash over me. I was still feeling pretty upset about my recent photos---I look so unhealthy that if I could, I would just jet away to a far off land, drink tons of cucumber water, do the sauna, take long walks, and just get some much needed R&R while avoiding all matter of processed foods.

But, since that doesn't appear likely, I will have to just try and do the same thing on a much smaller scale.

I don't have much money left over for food, but I feel that with what I have in the freezer and pantry, and the food my boyfriend has been bringing home, things will be ok.

I worry alot about my bf and me. I feel torn a lot because I know he is going through so much and needs a lot of support, and I should be patient. On the other hand, I feel that we are becomming more distant and more like friends as time goes on. He says things that makes me think he wants to be with me for the long haul, but I am not sure. Maybe a vacation will be good for the both of us? It is so hard to explain when such a large chunk of a relationship has been dealing with just the normal hardships of life. I feel bad because my feelings are up and down, and his may stay consistent, and, well, I just need some us time, ya know? I worry that our relationship is built around our need for one another? But is that always a bad thing? My friends feel like I have helped him through a really rough patch, and that he probably appreciates it, and I feel like he has been the most supportive and accepting man I have ever been with. I just worry that we may not be the best husband and wife material. But I don't feel that now is the right time to make any huge decisions, ya know?

I am not sure about the vacation plans, and feel a little bad about that, as I miss the lure of traipsing over the globe. Just a few years ago I was seeing the shores of different continents, and now I am pinching every penny and have made beans a regular staple of my diet. This isn't a bad thing as I am lucky to even have beens in the first place---just makes you see where you have been, where you are, and where you want to be.

On a side note, I have hit the 100 entries mark!

So, things have been sort of odd but ok lately. I have been really watching my budget---every day going over again and again how much I have for food, and how much I have set aside for food for Thanksgiving. I am going to try and make a meal for me and by, plus food for family, for under $30 bucks total. I think I will be able to do it as I have the menu items in mind, and I won't be doing the traditional turkey meal.

Overall, I think my budget is going ok this month, I don't feel so stressed out about it, and I feel like I have enough food to last us through the rest of the month.

My bf wants us to do the trip, but I am not sure about it. He had a bill to take care of that put his payment schedule for our expenses back a bit, so the check that should have been used for more the trip, is really going to be used for the basics for this month and maybe next month. No matter how many ways I look at it, I don't think it will be possible to go where I want to go, for less than $300. And I am not even sure if he has that amount, ya know? I also feel like telling him to just forget it, and use the money to put towards things like a new oil change, stuff for the house, etc. But both he and I could really use a vacation and a change of scenery for a few days. Sigh. Not sure what to do.

I saw a picture of myself recently and got a bit depressed. I just don't look as healthy as I used to, and I really dislike that. My bf thinks it is in my head, but I know how I looked before, and what I look like now, and I prefer how I looked previously. I really want to work on getting back that healthy glow I used to have.

I hope everyone is doing well this holiday season.