So, I have been working a lot lately, and while I was able to take care of about $500 in maintenance related stuff, mainly due to my having the part-time job, I have NOT been good about saving money, or even keeping up with my bills.

I think that I have been a bit depressed, to be honest. I feel like I have been stressed in some regards, and just focusing on how good it feels to be able to buy what I want to eat (within reason), without feeling like I am always confined and can only eat specific items.

So, I am upset at myself for not saving better, and for not paying down my cc's better, etc. Although, I am happy, that my overall monthly expenses are going down, and that if I were to really stick to my budget, I wouldn't necessarily need the 2nd job, which is a good thing. The issue moreso is that I need the 2nd job for assistance with maintenance issues, etc.

I did receive a nice refund, and most of it went to pay back previous debt, so I wasn't left with a lot leftover. Sigh.

I realize that I do tend to shop when i am sad or feeling bad about myself. I know that isn't a good thing. I also know that investing more money into my food has led me to eating much healthier and dropping some pounds, so I am very happy at least about that.

I will focus on watching my spending more this month and in July. I need to avoid impulse purchases and focus only on things that I need, or creature comforts like a warm coffee and a pastry for a rare treat.

My goal next month, though I already think it may not be possible, due to the paycheck schedule, is to avoid using my credit card. My part-time job has cut down on the hours, so I am already trying to figure out how I can save as much of my earnings as possible.

I did good food wise---my refrigerator is pretty well stocked on most items. Though, right now, I wish I could go out and buy some bread or something. But, I am super duper broke. Yep. And I am not going into my low, low, low emergency savings to borrow money for bread, because I overspent earlier in the month. Sigh.

So, I just have to deal with feeling a certain way when I am not able to buy that soda (which I probably don't need), or spend time with friends at an event that costs money.

I have really accepted that because of how I grew up, and how early I started working hard in my life, I have usually had a good amount of money on hand---hey, $20 bucks is super great when you are broke---you feel like you have so many options!

So, because for so many years I bought what I wanted, though never usually going to extreme, I do see that now, not being able to stop on the way home to pick up something I would like, but I don't need, is a bit, well, uncomfortable. It isn't painful, of course, but just makes me upset at myself for not budgeting well in the first place.

I am happy that I did stock up on certain food items at the beginning of the month, so even though my appetite has seriously dropped off a bit, I have food I can cook and eat if I get hungry, so I am not worried about having enough to eat. I may just have to deal with not wanting to eat what I want when I want it. I know, how quickly we become spoiled?

Also, I have long since realized that shopping, or even just browsing, helps to make me feel better. Maybe it makes me feel like I am actually worth something? I know, not a good way to think, but I am working on it.

If I manage my budget well, then I will be able to set aside some money from my part-time job. that is my goal. I want to have a lot more in savings, for when I want to buy extra healthy food, etc. I may not have enough money to go on vacation, and that is a bit of bummer.

I realized that with my ex, maybe my caring so much was a part of the problem. I think I try to take care of everything, but fail to take care of myself like I really should. I need to really just not be so consumed with trying to make sure everyone else is ok. I think the fact that I have maxed out my credit cards, even with earning more money, lets me know that I am clearly not taking care of myself.

I have been trying to make time for myself to relax and just be me and take care of me. It is helping. Now I need to work on the exercise aspect and I think I will start back at the gym. I hope it will help me with my weightloss.

Thanks to everyone who is going through a similar journey or who just doesn't mind listening to me ramble.

I am so very thankful for my part-time job. It has helped me sooooo very much. I have been able to buy healthier food (and the recent weight loss is a reflection of that), and have been able to stress a bit less about my budget.

It feels good being able to buy the things I need, and even some of the things I want, and not have to worry all the time about my budget. The amount of stress about making ends meet is not good, I feel, and I wonder how many families have had ill health simply because of the lack of money and of being in poverty.

Even with my added income, my views about saving money and just trying to have a fair chance at life have not changed. At times, I get so tired and frustrated because I see so many people around me really struggling to make ends meet, working very hard, and yet, I see another whole large group being so dismissive of that, with broad statements about just not having enough drive, or being lazy, etc. I get so tired of always having to try to explain to those who may not have the same background, about why some of us grow up in poverty, work two jobs, etc. It can be irritating when they have comments that I just cannot relate to, and that seem out of touch with what everyone is dealing with in this economy.

Where I live, there is a large growing group that is sort of oblivious to the issue of accomplishing certain things in life. It is hard because the group is really focused on making a lot of improvements and changes and they seem so positive on the outside and some of their goals are really good on the surface. I just get weary because it is sort of like a family that focuses on having the nicest furniture, but sweeps the dust under the rug. The growing group wants a lot of change and some of that I agree with, but it seems like those that are really in need are being totally ignored. It makes me weary at times because I just feel like I don't have the energy to deal with it all at times.

The ex situation is the same. It is odd at times because there have been times when I could have used a bit of financial help, and I wanted to ask him, but I didn't want to be a burden on him, so I didn't. But, my that was not wanting to bother him was one of our biggest problems---he wanted me to ask for more help. However, when I asked recently and I got frustrated about a situation, he got stressed a bit and snapped. So, he says he wants me to come to him when I need help, but I also know he is under a lot of stress. How does one ask for help, yet not be another stress-er on a person? Also, I feel weird asking for help if it is because of bad budgeting on my part. Because my ex makes less than I do, and is still dealing with the family stuff, my asking for 20 bucks could be a larger part of his budget than it would be in mine. We haven't seen each other since the split, so, yeah, that is also hard at times.

I have been using the extra money to make improvements around my home and I really, really like that. It makes me happy to be able to buy the little things that make me feel more relaxed. Just focusing on myself and my home has been helping me a lot. I have been trying to ignore the other little things that people do that can sap a lot of my positive energy. When someone over me is so happy when talking to someone, but tight lipped when they talk to me, I just try and ignore it and accept that it is their issue and not mine, and all I can do is just keep working on myself. I have learned that when I speak with a certain person, they will always make some of sort comment or re-state how I said something wrong or how what I believe isn't true, according to them. I realize that this is an issue they have, and doesn't have anything to do with me, when you look at how they act as a whole. It can be frustrating, though, when I am just trying to say something nice, and they tell me it is wrong...of course they always say it with a smile.

I am also using my extra money to pay for needed repairs and bills and the like. My goal is to put part of it aside for savings, as the work comes and goes, and I am not sure when I can get a part-time job again. I want to stop using my cc as well, and build up my available credit. That has been hard lately, but mainly because I need to be better about my budgeting.

I am just trying to relax and focus on being better and being happy. I want to refocus on those things that I want to accomplish in my life.

So, I took the liberty of writing down in a clearer format how much my food expenses SHOULD cost me per month if I actually adhere to them.

Even with providing enough basic and healthy foods, my food is a little under $200 bucks, and that isn't including coffee (hey, we all have our vices, right?). I also included in that amount about $20 bucks for the rare take out meal.

I have not watched my budget this month, which is probably why I am broke right now. I am not too worried about it, because I still have to be paid for this month's part-time work, and that should be a pretty sizeable check---enough to get stuff for home and car improvements, and put a lil bit aside for savings.

I have been trying to work as hard as possible on both jobs, and just immersing myself in improving how I feel about myself and improving my abode. I have been doing pretty good on both fronts, though no weightloss this month. Oddly, due to just being tired and a crazy schedule (averaging about 60 hours per week), I ate out far too much. Even though I focused on eating healthy things, as the scale hasn't budged, it is probably the amount of calories in the pre-made food that made my weight stay stagnant. I am going to eat out less in May.

The ex and I are still working through things. It is hard because at times I feel ok, and at other times I feel like maybe I didn't do enough, or maybe I wasn't kind enough, etc. My family says I am just beating myself up, and that both me and my ex are good people, just not the right people for the both of us. Sigh. I know that it is true, but I just feel down at times.

I worry about being alone, ALOT. I think I am far more of a social/pack person than anyone would realize because I am independent and do so many things by myself. But deep down, I like to be around others, that whole pack/herd mentality I think.

I am going to stick to my budget better next month. I think I just went a bit hog crazy this month---ate out too much, bought home improvement items that I really did need (like a new mop), but never thought I had money for in the budget (oddly, a few day's worth of coffee is equal to the price of a mop...hmmm...), and spending some time with friends. I think most of the money really went to eating out, buying whatever healthy food I wanted and not focusing too much on the impact on my budget, and not keeping track of all of my expenses.

The reality is that while I am making more money, I am not making so much that I don't have to keep track of everytime I go to the grocery store, etc.

I am in a kind of a funky mood right now. I am feeling a bit irritable. Sigh. I am going to work on myself this week, hopefully lose some weight, and keep up with my home improvement projects. When I get what I want accomplished, then I may need like $500 or more to buy a new bed, repaint, and get new curtains or blinds, etc. But, I need to do sooooo much work first before I am even at that point yet.

Thank you all for letting me vent and rant. Your words and thoughts and opinions do help to keep me focused and encouraged.

So, with tax time comes either bills or refunds, and I fall into both of those categories. I, of course, wish I didn't owe anything, but eh, at least my refund will cover it.

So, I am tempted to go and buy things that I need for myself--such as healthier food and household improvement items, car things, etc. I am trying to hold off on doing that. I do have to repay a family member, and that kind of sucks because she never repaid me any of the money I gave her years ago, but I can't really complain because when she gave me the money, I asked for it in a loan. I think I felt uncomfortable just asking for help without making some sort of repayment agreement. So, a nice part of my refund is going to go back to my family member. She does need it, so I shouldn't feel bad. You know how that goes.

Things with the ex are going ok. Still kind of weird and weepy at times, but ok. Some days I feel great, and other days I feel like someone who has been left...not such a good feeling, ya know? I do feel more strongly about being firmer about the things I want in a relationship. I am going to be more clear about the things I want, and the things that I do not want in a relationship, versus just accepting them because of...well....love?

I have been working tons and tons and at times I feel like I am going to get too worn out. But, part time work is seasonal at times, so I am trying to just earn all that I can. Also, I do admit that there is a bit more freedom the part-time job brings in that when I want something healthy to eat, I don't always have to stress about the cost (though of course I do watch the amount). I do, at times, feel worn out. But I am trying to rectify that with getting to sleep earlier. Also, because I am eating healthier and not getting artificial energy surges from unhealthy sweets or sodas, I sometimes feel super tired in the evening.

I want to do some home improvement things and that costs money, so I am working on how to work it out financially. My home should be my abode and my relaxtion area, and right now, it isn't because of all of the stuff I see that needs to be fixed.

I am stressed a bit and trying to relax as much as possible when I get home. A friend was worried about me, but it was just due to stress and emotions and everything. I feel like I am working harder than I have previously, trying to be the best that I can, trying to work on my health, trying to work on my living situation, and trying to deal with my feelings and some sadness about relationship stuff. I feel like I am a hamster on a wheel at times. But, I do hope that it is all for the best. I feel like I am getting older and I have to really speed up my improvement in so many areas of my life. Sometimes I do get worried about what I want my life to be. Sometimes I feel like it is passing me by. Being alone is also a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I do worry about being alone as an older person, and that is not the kind of life I want. If that does happen, then I would rather immerse myself in helping others. I guess I feel like I am worth something or important if I am of a positive use towards others. If someone else in this world needs me, then I feel like I matter. If not, then what is the whole point of it all?

I know that is a bit deep, I am just rambling at the moment. I also need to express how I feel because, sigh, I am just stressed and getting out my thoughts helps me a lot.

So, I have been thinking a lot about my future. I have been thinking of the things I want to have in my life, the possibility of being a single older woman, all of that. I have been thinking more positively about the possibility of being a single, older mom one day. Hey, it is a step up from how I was feeling previously about just being single and alone.

I am paying down debt, and not going cray with the spending. I was bad the past few days with ordering take out, but, it was food I hadn't enjoyed in a while, and, I didn't go crazy about it (the first order was under $20 bucks and last 2 days, or 4 servings, the 2nd order under $8 bucks). It was so good, I must admit.

I am focusing on buying things that I both need, and that will help me to better create a warm and comfortable environment. I know I need to buy some cleaning supplies so I can continue with my home improvement project.

I have been buying healthier food with the extra money I have earned, and I really like being able to do that. I still have a hard time staying on top of my budget, but I am working on it slowly but surely.

I have also been using a bit of the funds to improve other aspects of appearance. It helps me to feel better about myself, overall, I think. Buying sunscreen and lip moisturizer is a good thing, I think. It makes me feel a bit girly and like I am putting some more effort into me. Family and friends have been telling me to make myself a priority for a while, and now I feel like I really understand what they mean. I always put other people's needs ahead of mine, and I do realize that certain things like my health and my finances and my abode and my appearance may have been negatively affected by those kinds of practices.

I think I will always be extremely kind and caring and loving. It is just who I am inside. I feel like I have a strong need to really love someone and feel like I am worth something or needed. I also realize that I need to treat myself better, and that I can be kind and caring and loving, while also focusing on me as well.

So, this past month I admittedly haven't been focusing on my budget. With the relationship thing and my new forays into being healthier, I have given myself permission to use my part-time earnings towards better food and things that give me a bit more emotional comfort. I do realize that I can't necessarily do this every month, but for right now, I figured that I wanted to focus on nurturing my heart and my body and my soul. I do think my soul and heart needs more nurturing, but I decided to take it easy this first month.

I haven't been going wild and buying purses or anything like that. But I did buy my first real organic food! And it wasn't expensive, either (although I stuck to produce, so organic meat would be a tough thing for me to be able to afford)! When I had a craving for something healthy, or a friend asked me to a nice place to eat, I went. I spent less than $20 on my meal, and just enjoyed their company. I still kept to my frugal ways and didn't get tempted to buy things at the full price (I only bought during a sale or if the item was used, etc.).

I am making good progress on my health issues. I do need to write out my new food items so I can get a better idea of how much my food budget may change in comparison to when I was buying food solely on its stretchability.

The relationship issue is the same and I am dealing with that. I find that focusing on other things is helping me a bit. I have also been trying to do better in other areas of my life. It feels like a struggle at times because of some of the issues that others have in how they view things and what type of things they focus on, but i am just going to keep doing the best that i can and with other improvements in my life, hopefully they will focus less on the outside and more on the things that are important.

Next month I will get back to writing down my purchases and sticking more to my budget.

So, I have been focusing on my health and other facets of my life as a way of just trying to maintain a level of...okay-ness.

I am really inspired about my goals, and my health goal has been going pretty well and I am very happy about that. I have been spending a lot more on food, so I need to definitely watch my food spending better next month, but, I feel like the most important thing is to get my healthier eating more of a lifestyle, and then I can be more strict about the expenses. Right now, I am just focusing on eating a certain way and having the type of food that is best for me available so I don't head towards the latest drive-thru.

I am also working on other facets of my life that I have neglected for years, and that really need some attention. I looked at some basic items that I will need to buy, and I think I can get a lot of what I need for less than $40! Which isn't a lot to pay when considering how much it will help with my goals. I find it really inspiring to me to know that some of the improvement items aren't outside of my budget. It helps make my goal seem more achieveable.

Still working on balancing the issue of the ex and how he wants to help me financially because of how I helped him. It is true that he is not able at this time to just pay me back all of the money I lent him, so, since he has already given me money last month, I feel like I am not really concerned with that loan. I do have a hard time with asking him for things---which was probably a major reason why we are no longer together. So, he wants me to ask him for help when I need it. It is so weird because when I am struggling or maybe overspent on food, I feel bad asking him for things because I know he is still trying to support his family and I just don't want to be a burden on him. However, when we talk, he says he wants to help me, and he expressed some doubt that I would ask him for help when I needed it. Ah, love is confusing, isn't it? I have never really had any kind of financial help from any person I dated, and so, I have always been very independent. Some friends say that I am more of a care taker and at times too motherly and that it helps if I focus some of that energy into caring for myself a bit more. So, that is my goal.

I think I am going to take a while and work on the areas of my life that I have neglected and seem a bit out of control. It will require a lot of elbow grease and avoiding things that may not be the healthiest for me, but I think it will be the best thing for me to do for myself. Who knows? If I give myself more attention and more attention to certain facets of my life, it may cause others to be more attracted to me?

If you haven't seen the movie with the same title as my entry, then I whole heartedly suggest seeing it. I loved it! Love, love, loved it!

I had a situation with a friend lately who makes a good living, but rarely will admit it. My friends and I all all think that he has to make more than we do, simply because of our profession. He is a very good person, it is just that our lives and issues and experiences with money are very different. At times, I have a hard time relating to him when he talks about budgeting. But, it may be that I just don't understand him on various levels because our lives are so different.

In any case, my friend made a comment about going to an expensive event. When he makes comments about going to those types of events or buying certain high priced items, it makes me not able to relate to him when he talks about his budget and money and all of that. I think I am not able to relate because most of my friends have worked as hard as he has, if not harder, and with all of that work, are still earning less than he is. So, I think there is just a lack of understanding about those kinds of things when he complains. Also, my friend, like another friend, says things about lacking money, but is still really into going to very current places that may not be cheap or less expensive. So, I think the event was just a reminder of our differences in some ways.

There is also the issue that both friends have a habit of receiving gifts from people, or having people spend a lot of money on them, and with my male friend, he isn't as open in that way towards his friends (or at least with me, even though I have been very open with him in that regards).

I have another friend who focuses on the price of things and feels that they deserve only the best food, etc. I understand why they feel as they do, but sometimes it is hard when you are trying to do something together, and they refuse to acknowlege your budget and would rather exclude you from a more expensive event, than take into consideration doing something that is more on your financial level.

This may just be a mini-rant because the event and the price tag just irked me a bit. My friend likes very current and popular things, and at times that goes against my feelings of being an individual and following your own music, etc.

How do you deal with friends of varying economic levels? Have you ever had similar differences?

So, something happened and my previous entry, well, didn't get entered. So, to make it a bit more summed up because my tears are dried up a bit, I pretty much have been using my excess money to put towards things I need (like toothbrush, carpet powder) and things I like (aromatherapy for my home, coffee, healthy food). I haven't been going hog wild or anything, but it does feel good to buy what I want and need and not have to be stressed about it. I realize I am so very, very fortunate.

I have been just trying my hardest in certain areas of my life---smiling even when I am frustrated. I really feel like I just have to do the best that I can, in conjunction with getting healthier, before people will acknowledge that I have good skills and talents.

The relationship front has been more difficult. Ended up crying with the ex today and I feel bad about that. He has been stressed about stuff and I didn't meat to stress him any more. I was trying to explain to him that I am crying because things take time, ya know? He didn't hurt my feelings, it is just the being apart that hurts. I know that we are probably better if we continue to care and be there for each other, but not be focused on being marriage material or gf/bf for each other.

He wants me to be happy and get control over some areas in my life I need help with. I know he is saying this in a supportive way as he has always been supportive of me, it just makes me feel like a failure. It seems so overwhelming at times. But, I know I can do it if I just concentrate on it. But first, I want to focus on my health. I think other things will improve if I can get the health thing under control first. I also feel sad because he wants to help me so much and he cares for me so much and I worry if anyone else will care for me like he does. I feel bad that maybe I should have been more accepting. Sigh.

On a positive note, the extra dough has been helping me to shop the perimeter of the store in a great and fabulous super market and it is helping me to buy the foodstuffs that are what I need and what will help me to accomplish the health goals that I have.

I think it is probably late and the emotions are stronger. I will go tomorrow and focus on sticking with my health desires, and also starting on the other areas of my life that I need help with. I think if I work on both issues, it will be a helpful distraction.

I have been working on forming better habits. There have been times when it has been easier than others, but I am still trying.

I often feel like I just need to relax and take it easy. I am also finding that because of the part-time job, and the freedom of having a bit more cash and not have to count out every penny, that it is easy for me to overspend. So, I am still trying to focus on my budget and when i spend, realize how that impacts my overall cash availability for that month. I am not going crazy and buying big screen TVs, but rather focusing on buying vitamins and special dietary foods that I like.

Things with my relationship are the same. Still a bit confusing. The ex contacts me routinely to see how I am doing, and I do the same. I think there is a huge amount of care between us, on a very basic and human level--we love each other because we are loving people and we are there for each other. Sigh, if only love and marriage could be built on that. Can it? I find myself ok some days with it, and then tonight, when I was opening a household package that he had brought upstairs for me a long while ago, I got a bit weepy. He is a very good person and I am sad that we just couldn't get it together, ya know? It is weird because he will do these things that makes me feel like he wants to talk, but when I ask him if he does, or try to, then he ends the conversation. Sigh.

As for dating, the idea is not something I am looking forward to--I think I would just focus on how the guys are weird and nothing like my relationship. Maybe, later on, I will feel differently, but right now, while I want to be in love, I am afraid to try and meet anyone. I feel like I have to improve myself a lot more before I put myself back on the market.

I have been focusing a lot of my energy on self-improvement. I realize that even though I am really looking so much better, very few people (my friends mainly), recognize it. I think that other outside issues will have to improve before people start noticing. It is frustrating at times when you know what you can do, and want to do, but people look at you as if you shouldn't even think of trying to accomplish it. I have seen this same group of people do that to other people, and it makes me sad and worried. I don't want to be looked at in that way. So, all I can do is try and be the best, at well, almost every aspect of my looks and my skills. It should be mainly skills, but, eh....

A friend didn't invite me to an event because they thought I may be broke and not have a good time. I found that kind of hurtful. True, I have been broke a lot lately, but not recently, and even if eating out wasn't in my budget, it makes me feel weird to feel that I wasn't asked because of perceptions about my budget. It just made me feel a bit like the poor girl. Sigh. A friend asked me why am I broke when I make a good living. I was honest about my expenses and my bills. I am hopeful that in the next couple of years, I will have paid down a majority of my debt. Yippee!

I am focusing more on a bit of pampering of myself. I think that is a sign of just being stressed and trying to have some form of escapism and bringing joy to my days. I am watching the pampering, as too many perfumed lotions can affect a gal's budget!

With the part-time job, and help from my ex, and being solo, and cutting out many types of more expensive food, I find myself having the luxury of buying food that is so much healthier!

I found myself strolling down the supermarket aisles yesterday in a euphoric fog. I wasn't able to go crazy and buy all organic, but I was able to buy food in varieties I just can't find at my neighborhood stores.

Part of me gets upset that when I go to the budget supermarket (where I was thisclose to buying their meat because it was cheap--even though everyone warned me not to) and there are so many people and families (lots of families---more families, I feel, than what I saw at the nicer store)who have to shop there, they don't have the selection of healthy foods. Rather, they have rotting produce and at times its price isn't cheaper than other places.

I realize that yes, healthy, diet-specific food is a luxury for me now. I also feel like people should have access to these wonderful foods that come from the earth rather than having to spend their dollars on a higher caloric, but unhealthier, food option. We really need to change the food availability in our country and around the world. Yes, I am one of those people who is disappointed when they travel somewhere, and see the usual fast-food logo beckoning new consumers. Sigh.

I also find that I have been putting more effort into me. That means my clothes, my hair, etc. It is a good feeling.

Not sure about my relationship. He is still very kind to me, but we haven't talked much or spent much time together. Sometimes I get sadder in the evening, or when driving, but I try to just not think about it, or cry it out and focus on other stuff.

I have been trying to just smile and keep my head up in other areas. It is frustrating because I worked so hard at being friendly and nice, and I still see others getting preferential treatment. It is hard because I know that so much of it really isn't about ability, but more about friendship and relationships and things that should not be a factor, but are. Sigh.

My goal for this month is to NOT use my credit cards like I have been doing. I want to start rebuilding up my available credit on one of my cards so that if I ever did really need to use it, I would have that available credit, well, available. I do not like that I have had to use it for basics like food and gas. Not cool.

I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read my thoughts. Now, because I am solo, and how things are in other areas that I am, I often don't really have many people to talk to. I feel like I can express my thoughts on here, and I get so much good advice and understanding, and I really appreciate that.

So, I have been earning some money doing part-time work, and that has been making things soooo much less stressful, as far as finances go. I am also able to buy the type of food that may be better for me health wise. I also like the fact that I can go to an occasional event with a friend, and not only have to order water.

I am hoping to use my part-time money to pay for just regular monthly stuff like extra food, household and car necessities, etc. My bf gave me money this month, even though he now lives with his friend and has a roommate. I am not sure if he is going to continue to do this, although it did help a lot. He wants to help me more and to ask him for help, but that is hard for me to do at times. I always worry if he may need it more than I do, or what he is going through. Things are different between us now, so things are less marriage minded, and more friendship minded because he is dealing with a lot of things with his family, and needs to put more of a focus on that, than on the whole relationship aspect. I am sad about that, but think that maybe he will be happier if he focuses on that, and maybe it will help me to focus more on the things I need to accomplish for myself as well.

I am very happy that with the extra money for food and just feeding myself, I am able to just eat the sometimes weird, but healthier food that I like. I can make a lot of the food I like that others may get tired of. I am also able to give money to my family who has been helping me and I am happy about that.

So, I had a recent situation where a person really tried to make me feel unaccomplished. Mind you, I am the first in my family to go to college, my family is proud of that, and all things considering, I have turned out a lot better than some people, looking back all those years, may have possibly assumed from my upbringing.

But, this person, who I don't really know outside of certain situations, made a really serious attempt to treat me as inferior because I did not have the degree that they have. And you know what? I did end up feeling bad and unaccomplished and insecure. I ended up feeling bad about myself and upset at the person for making me feel that way. I realize that they just brought back previous negative interactions we had had where they had put me in a place of having limited information and where I had to constantly ask them for help (even though I should have been able to ask someone else who was more of the correct person to talk to), and it made me feel inferior. I also realized that I allowed them to make me feel this way.

I realized from this experience that I have so much to be thankful for, and while I am not the most accomplished person, I am doing good in my life and each person has their own successes at their own pace. I realized that I shouldn't have let that person ruffle my feathers and I also realize that if I had not felt inferior, I would have been more open, and would have discussed certain things (advanced degrees cost money). But because they spoke in a way and were open about having a lot of cash, I did not feel comfortable disclosing more about how I felt or my thoughts about it.

My budget is going ok. I have been bad in that I have been eating out more and I need to slow down on that. Tonight I am making my breakfast and lunch for work.

I worry a lot about my bf. He is really stressed and seems very sad about his family situation. I feel bad because at times he felt I was critical (I thought I was being helpful), and so he doesn't feel very comfortable necessarily opening up and talking to me about the family situation. He tells me it is hard to talk about. I also feel bad because it really is a hard situation, and his family has to work it out, but he is the one that is being hurt by it emotionally, ya know? I feel so bad because I don't know how to help or how to fix it, and I don't know how to cheer him up. He spent time with me recently, but we have been spending a lot less time together. He says he hasn't been much in the mood for any kind of celebration type activities, and I am not sure that he could get any time off to relax if he asked as he is really busy at work.

I have been trying to keep focused on not being stressed and also trying to eat somewhat healthy. I have plenty of food in my fridge and am not so stressed about food and that feels good. Of course, I realize that my stresses about food probably sound very elitist at times. I have never gone hungry, and really, maybe only had less healthy food options, but I have been blessed to always have enough to eat. I realize that I am very fortunate.

With my budget, I realize that I really need to work on it more. I realize that the stress from some family issues and my bf and feeling insecure, just made me want to over eat or buy silly stuff that isn't really needed or important. I also realized that I had set some money aside, and had somehow forgotten about it. I can't tell you when I set this money aside (not this month), so I am wondering how bad my budgeting was that I was short, but didn't automatically remember about the money I had set aside. Sigh. I am going to do better about that and get my budgeting better under control.

thank you everybody for listening to the little random thoughts that are my life thus far. I do realize that we are constantly learning beings.

The event tonight didn't go so well. Sure, I wore one of my best dresses (that I get compliments on, but still feels very tent like and unflattering, but more comfortable than any other dress I own), and I did my make-up extra special, but I still felt unbelievably out of place. I saw some old friends from school, and everyone seems to be going on with their lives and just being so very normal. I realize that from the outside, there are people from where I am from, from the circles I grew up in, that would see me as the normal one who have accomplished a lot. And yet, when I compare myself to this group of people I went to school with, I feel like the one who is not with it. I know that you should never compare yourself against anyone else, because you will often be disappointed or feel that you fall short. I think the combination of my bf being unsure of what he wants (and our discussion about our love for one another, but uncertainty about our long term relationship), the issue with my expectations about being paid today, the fact that I haven't been getting good sleep lately, and the really draining week was a bit more than I could handle today. I ended up leaving early cause I just felt so very depressed.

I put a smile on my face and was really friendly and nice to everyone. But, as I sat there sipping my water and not knowing very many people, I just felt more and more like I needed to get home. There were people there who seemed to just be doing everything that I want to do, and it is hard at times to see. I feel like there are so many things in my life that are out of control right now, and I feel that how I look reflects that a lot. I feel like my budget is out of control in many ways---not crazily so, but in all actuality, I feel like I am spinning my wheels and not sticking to it like I should and maybe that is because it is not realistic to begin with. Is it too hard for me to accept that I may only buy x amount of beans or gallons of milk per month? Should I just deal better with sticking to my plans, even if it means not always being full or satisfying a craving?

I feel a bit like my health is out of control. I have been very lucky and am generally pretty healthy. I am just dealing with some aspects that make me feel like I have lost a bit of pep in my step. Right now, my back is tightening and I think it is just a combination of the cold, of being tired, and of stress. There are some aspects of my health that are so far out of control I feel like I am powerless over improving things. I know that isn't rationally true, but that is how I feel.

I think it would be good for me to get a good night's rest, and tomorrow, think about things hopefully with a clearer head.

thank you everyone for reading my blog and for going on this roller coaster that is my life, as it seems.

Well, as the end of January nears, I can freely admit that I did not live up to my New Year's resolution. I told myself that I did not want to feel like I did last year, this year. And yet, I made the same mistakes this month as I did last month.

So, I was short a bit for this month, and I knew it, and could have bought food in a better way, and really planned out the daily necessities. I also did not make clear details with my bf about how much I needed....so I went through the negative pattern of spending my money thinking that I am going to get more on a certain day. then it was a bit less that I expected, and so I am stressing. Then, I get another amount of cash that again, I could have budgeted a bit better, and I had the weekend planned out in terms of how I would use the money. I found out that I may be getting more money today (an early paycheck), and so, I bought myself some coffee and treated myself nicely. Then, I find out that there was some issue and well, I am not getting any money. Again, i almost cried because I had gotten my hopes up about being able to afford going to an event.

Last night my bf and I had an argument, and well, he is taking some time for himself. It is such a hard time right now. I feel bad because our communication isn't so good, I have been stressed about money and that has led to a lot of our arguments. When I had more money and felt more comfortable, we rarely argued.

I am going to an event because I feel that I should, but not necessarily because I want to. There will be a lot of successful 30-somethings there, and it is a posh/upper scale type of locale. I am feeling so brow beaten and down, that all I really want to do is to climb into my bed. My bf and I talked and we agreed that we will always love each other. I am just not sure that with everything my bf is going through, that he really has time to be with me, and that we do need to work on how we talk to each other. It is just hard accepting this. I do fear being alone. Being broke and alone sucks even more.

My bf has been telling me to stop worrying about him so much. He also gave me money to buy food for myself for the weekend. He is a very good man, and I get upset at myself for not being as patient as I should.

Thank you all for listening to me tonight. It means a lot as I want to go to this event, say my hellos, and not be all teary eyed in front of a bunch of people who make me feel insecure.

So, today I felt my heart rate increasing, and well, I was just in a place mentally of being frustrated and upset, and needing to vent. I did that whole writing it out thing, but talked to someone about how I was feeling. They helped me to see a different perspective, and I opted to wait a bit before discussing the issue again. And well, that person came to me and we discussed it and it was a very good talk. I felt much better about the talk. Still a bit upset at the issue in general, but I am hoping that my heart rate will chill out about it.

My bf has been really nice the past few days (of course he is nice always). I told him what had happened and how I was feeling and he was very concerned and came across as very protective. I really liked that, I must admit. I think I am the person who usually tries to protect others.

I am still yearning for pay day so I can buy some of the food that I want, but I am not worried about being able to feed myself or anything like that. I do feel a bit odd because I have a friend who is having an event, and I want to go to be supportive, but if I have to pay for parking, that is going to be very difficult. I also will probably not have anything except for water, as I am not in the position to be buying 8 dollar drinks.

I am really happy that I have a bit of extra money to put towards my bills next month. Of course I am already short for my bills next month, but with the extra money, and maybe some money from my bf, I should be ok.

This has been a semi-rough week that has left me so eager to get home most days than not, so I am hoping that I can really relax and take it easy this weekend.

I want to as always, thank so many of you for your comments. They make me feel very special. I feel like I can be open about how I am feeling. the whole process with my bf made me realize I needed to be more open about both my faults, and things in our relationship that we needed to work on. Also, when it comes to money, I can't talk to friends about my insecurities because, well, maybe I feel ashamed about it. I also feel that they may not be able to really understand.

I am looking forward to sticking to my goals next month of avoiding using any of my credit cards to pay for necessities. I am also going to focus on trying to buy only what is necessary first, and then, if there is money left over, that can be used for more fun items.

So, I am feeling ok as far as my budget goes. My bf and I had a good talk, and we discussed that he feels that I worry about him too much and he wants me to focus more on myself. I do realize that how I was acting was coming across as too motherly at times. I don't really know how to fix that, as I feel like I have always been taking care of someone for a large chunk of my life. And it is true that there have been times when I worried more about what he was eating (because of the type of work he does) than what I was eating. Of course, when we would argue, I would bring it up and he would be upset because he didn't know that was happening.

So, as my bf and I were talking I did say that I understand that I come across too motherly at times, and he said that he didn't like that. So, I am going to stop doing that so much. I am trying to find a balance between being caring, and being apathetic. If I see he is hungry, I am not going to be ambivalent about it. But, I could probably just ask him once only if he is hungry and leave it at that.

He wants me to focus on making sure that I am ok, and he wants to help me out financially when he gets his tax refund.

We are scheduling a date night soon, and I am really looking forward to that.

I have been focusing on just getting things that make me happy lately, and not thinking of trying to buy food that he prefers, etc. He is a good guy, and I realize that we both have to work on issues that we have in our relationship.

I am feeling good about money for February, as I was able to bring in extra hours this month. So, I am thinking that will bring in another $285 or so bucks. Woo hoo! I am also considering changing my car insurance, but the problem is that if they ask for a large first payment (sometimes as much as $600 bucks!), then I cannot afford it and I will just stay with my current carrier.

I want to thank all of you for all of your support and advice. It does help me to think about things.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching. It is true that some of the comments make me feel sad, because, I realize that the problems I have in my relationship are not all one person's fault, but a combination of the both of us.

I do admit that at times I put his needs before mine. He doesn't like that I do that, and at times, I don't know how to not do that, ya know?

It would be different if my bf made more money and spent lavishly on himself. But instead, he doesn't make a lot, and he feels obligated to help his family (which some may not agree with, but I understand that at times we all feel like we may have to help family, even when it is tough for us), and I can't go into detail about the hard times he has been through, but they are hard and my heart goes out to him. He goes without things he needs for himself in order to help his family and pay bills. And, he does give me money for rent and food and utilities. Is it always enough? No. Do I always manage my budget like I should? No. Do me and my bf need to be a lot clearer about things that are needed and our financial goals? Yes. Is it always easy to talk to him about this? No.

I do realize that I need to focus on myself more. My bf tells me this constantly, and that I should not worry about him so much. I am not sure how to go about that. Part of me feels it would be cold to be only concerned about myself. But, I also realize that when I get frustrated about things, he often isn't sure why I am frustrated because I didn't tell him until things are really tight. It also is a situation of I wait until the last minute, and he is already broke as well, so, the stress level just intensifies.

Also, I am dealing with issues of feeling like I "look poor" at work, with the anger I feel at myself for getting into the debt I am in (if it were not for the debt, I would have an extra grand, if not more, for miscellaneous expenses), AND, even though I do well with planning my budget, I continuously overspend on food and snacks. I think that all of this usually makes me end up getting so frustrated and stressed out.

I am going to work on putting my needs first, while still being a loving and supporting gf. My bf worries that I do a lot of thins for his benefit, and not for mine. How can I correct this impression?

So, me and my bf talked and I realized that I had made an assumption when I wrote the prior blog. I had thought that he wasn't going to help me with a bill, which meant that the money he was giving me, was really less than what I had anticipated. But, in reality, the money he was going to give me was for part of his share of expenses, with more being given when he gets another check he is expecting, and he was also planning on giving me the money for the bill that I had paid. So, with the extra money for the bill, things aren't quite so tight as I thought.

I do have to agree with many of you. I do need to be more firm and clear about what I need. We often argue because he says I will say things one minute, and then make a completely different request later. Or that I need help, but don't tell him that until I really, really need it, and usually, I am upset or stressed at that point and it doesn't come out well.

Bf wants to give me money from an upcoming check he is expecting, and that is money just for me, and not towards his portion of the bill. He also brought me some nice treats yesterday. I do admit that when i ask him to get me something, I try to make it something that isn't expensive, because I worry about him spending too much of his money. I think I need to stop doing that. Maybe that reflects more on what I am afraid to ask for for myself?

I think, and it is hard to explain, that yes, I have not been good at asking what I really need. I need to be better with that. I often expect him to understand what I need. Or, I don't ask him for enough, things get tight, and I get stressed and we argue.

I also feel that he is working very hard at his job, just doesn't really make enough, and I do feel bad because with bills he has to pay, most of his check is gone once he gets it. Which, does occur with most of us, but I would be upset as well if I earned what he did, and found myself not really having money for things I need for myself because I have to pay bills for loved ones. I don't always agree with him doing that, but I do understand that he is at a place in his life where he feels he needs to do that in order to be a good provider for his family.

I don't want it to come across as if he isn't helping. I do need to also be clear that if I had followed my budget like I should have this month, then I would not be short money. An example would be that this morning I did my budget (expecting to get additional money from a relative), and had plenty of money to pay for things until I get my paycheck. Well, I did buy about $12 worth of stuff that was not really necessary. I didn't discuss things with my relative about the money, and felt weird about asking for help because there were a lot of people around, so I ended up not getting the help and that $12 I spent on non-needed things could have really helped with other needed things. So, to be fair, I am not as good as budgeting as I would like to be and I need to work on that.

I do think that my bf really needs to figure out his budget better, and that we should be able to talk about money and his budget without him getting upset. If the things he is experiencing weren't happening, then yeah, i would say that he doesn't like me so much. But, we have discussed the things he is going through with his family, and I see the amount of stress he is under (way worse than anything I am experiencing, so you get an idea of the image), and I just think that right now he is trying to take care of a lot of things, and doesn't have much energy left over to take care of making himself happy or the relationship. He is constantly telling me that he is dealing with things and for me to not think that it has to do with me. But, I generally think it does, and it takes me time to see the reality that it doesn't have much to do with me, but really everything he is going through.

next month, I am going to not overspend like I did this month. I am also going to take your good advice and put money aside for the necessities---sometimes I think that because the money is in my checking account, I use my atm, and then work out the budget. Not a good thing to do. I also need to follow your advice and not spend to the end of my budget, but try and leave wiggle room if possible. I also need to put myself first. When i told my bf of how I eat at times to save money, he got very upset, and wants me to focus more on myself and less on worrying about him having food. I admit that I do that at times, and that probably isn't an attractive trait, and yeah, i think it is a bit mothering. I feel that is something I need to work on myself.

I want to thank you all for your comments and advice. I do take them to heart and they do help to give me perspective.

So, my bf and I had a huge argument that was basically over money, but of course, there were deeper issues involved---our relationship, contributions to the household, etc.

I said some things that I think were hurtful. Some of them were truthful--as running a household takes equal input from both people, and at times, I needed more help than I think I realized. And, because of my bf's responsibilities to his family, I often felt last on his list of priorities.

My bf is not the type to argue, so our arguments really stress him, and he does not easily forget them. Also, I think our arguments are making him like me less and less. I feel so bad because I feel like maybe I haven't been as understanding as I should have, and then another part of me realizes that maybe I have been understanding, but it is hard for my bf to contribute because of the stress and things he is going through outside of our relationship.

I am sad because I think he may want to break up. Part of me thinks he deserves someone who doesn't argue as much, and is more in line with his personality. Part of me feels like he is the kindest person I have ever loved, and he has helped me more than anyone I have ever loved (family excluded). He has helped me more than my friends, etc.

It is weird because we have this really deep love for each other. At least, it feels that way to me. I feel like we love each other so much, but maybe are not compatible on some levels. In my heart, I want him to be happy, and I wonder if I am able to be that person.

We talked about things and he wants to contribute more, even if we are not living together. I told him that he doesn't have to, but he said he wants to. I feel like he really wants the best for me, and isn't that what is really important? More than if we share the same love of music or hobbies?

For 2010 I want to be better with my budget. I want to improve and take better care of the things I have (like my apartment), and I want to place a stronger emphasis on being healthy and happy.

I wish those of you who have taken the time to read my thoughts to have a healthy, happy, and safe New Year.

So, tonight I am a bit contemplative and thinking about where I am in my life right now, and how I would like things to be in the New Year. I think many of us can say that 2009 has been a very difficult year. It hasn't been the most difficult year of my life, Thank God, but it has been a bit uncomfortable.

I realize that I squandered a lot of my money on silly things like coffee, fast food, clothes I maybe wore only a few times (who else has bought clothes because they didn't wash clothes and needed something to wear immediately?), etc., etc., etc. I am blessed to say that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a good job, and food in my refrigerator. I realize that much of my stress and anxiety is really due to poor choices that I have made.

I am going to take the time off around the holidays to really work on myself. My goal was to eat a certain way, primarily more healthy, but because of budget and money issues, and my desire to have something in my checking account, I may not be able to do that. Right now I am just trying to focus on having enough food to last until the New Year. I did buy my favorite food and drink (cider!) to have on the New Year as tradition.

I have also talked with my boyfriend about needing his help more. I think next year will be better because I am paying off more debt, and that is making any pay cuts less difficult. I told him that I will need him to help more, and that I know he is stressed with his family obligations, and that I don't want to stress him, but there are times when I could really use the help. I can't tell you how often I am using my calculator to determine how much I can spend on what---it is like I am constantly recounting things, trying to make all the numbers crunch just right.

I know it may sound sexist, but I think that it may help our relationship if I depend on my bf more. I think that my not asking him for help sometimes bothers him. This morning I made breakfast, and I think he was worried that I wasn't going to eat---most of the time I do not. But I am not starving by any means.

I feel bad about not giving much of anything to charity this year. Usually I give some type of food. This year, I just didn't plan right, and so I don't have money for it, right now. I feel bad about that, and it hurts my heart when I see people on the street, as that is one of my biggest fears.

As a woman, I really worry about being alone and all of that. I see so many homeless women, whose bodies have been changed by lack of food, medical care, etc., and it makes me sad and scares me as well. I know I come from strong stock, so to speak (we are sturdy women, I feel), but I worry about being alone, and I worry about debt and all of that. Sometimes I feel that if you aren't the most attractive women, life is a bit harder. I know, I know, people are getting upset right now, and I don't mean to uspet you. I am just speaking what I feel, ya know? Its not that I don't think I am attractive, because I do think I have nice features, but I am just not sure if those features are what someone would like to marry. I think my bf wants to get married one day, but I am not sure that he is thinking of me as the one. Things have been difficult for him lately, and it has really affected our relationship.

I am just speaking my thoughts right now, and I am not blue or anything, just being honest about those things that race through our minds from time to time, ya know?

I want to manage my buget better in 2010. I want to not have to feel so uncomfortable all of the time, and feel like I am a pauper when I make a good living. I want to pay off more debt and free up some of the money I work hard for so that I can put it towards savings and improving myself.

I will make a list of things I want to accomplish. One thing I would really like to do is to be able to redecorate and rejuvenate my apartment. I want to make it more cozy and comfortable. Right now I think I just have more stuff than space, and that makes things not as relaxing or inviting as I would like.

So, this week has been a slightly okay and slightly weird one. My budget issues had a wrench situation because of the whole credit card annual fee.

I find myself having cravings for my favorite food, my favorite items, and my favorite experiences. They feel a lot like a quiet yearning, a form of escapism in some ways, ya know?

I also find myself thinking about the future I want, and hoping that I am able to live the life that I really want. I want to be married, and own my own home, and have children and the minivan and all of that. Right now, because times are tough, I am really worried about being able to achieve those wants. Sometimes, I find that I get sad when I see some who may not have worked as hard, or who didn't have this huge desire for a normal life, just have it and don't think twice about it, ya know?

I am looking forward to the New Year and hoping that it will be better than this year. I am optimistic because my budget will not be as tight as it is now, and I will have another large bill paid off in 2010. Woo hoo!!

Sigh, the old cc companies that I am paying off every month are really trying to just make my Christmas bah humbug.

I have 3 credit card/loans with a specific bank that is supposed to be for our country, and they have lowered the available credit on all of the accounts. Sigh. I wouldn't mind because I wasn't using that available credit anyway (not at the ridiculous default 24%+ rate they wanted to give me, even though i have not missed a payment or done any default type activities), but I am upset because their actions have already reduced my credit scores. Sigh. In some cases, my score went down 14 points!

Secondly, the credit card that I do like, has an annual memebership fee. I did not know they would assess that fee this month, and by doing so, they reduced my available credit. So, the available credit I had I was going to use to buy a couple of gifts for Christmas (paying it back of course in January as my budget will not be as tight), and well, now I can't do that.

Now, I have a tradition of giving certain gifts, and I am wondering what to do now. I am somewhat okay with food, though I do see that we will need some basics like water, eggs, etc. My bf has been so stressed about money and bills for his family lately that he has been sort of snappy and tense, and he has been buying things for the house, and will have given me $40 more this month than our agreement, so I feel weird about asking hime for more, ya know? Even though I have helped him out a lot. Sigh.

I feel like since I have helped my bf out for many months and floated him when he had no job, that my asking for additional help during the past few months should be okay. The only problem is that because of his family's issues, he is funneling a large portion of his budget to assist with their bills. I have spoken about it, but, he cannot be disuaded from doing so at this time. And really, I can't tell someone how to spend their money, ya know? If he could give me an additional $40 instead of the $20 I requested earlier, I would be a lot less stressed, plus, I would be able to get food for the both of us for Christmas.

I just don't want to be upset if he declines to help me. I do think that it may be upsetting because he has already not done certain things he said he would do (like our trip), because he has been paying the debts of his family (though I don't really always agree with that).

So, I am feeling pretty good today. Though my bf and I have big appetites, I am confident that the food I bought on the 1st, should last us all the way until the 11th, if not a bit longer. The only thing I may need to buy is seasoning. I am still debating on that one.

I am having a lazy day and just thinking about what I want to do for my staycation. Something cheap is in mind, but also fun. With Christmas coming up, I am already trying to figure out money in my budget to buy presents for loved ones. Sigh.

I had a good talk with my bf as I was a bit blue yesterday. I told him that I am making more money than I did a few years ago, and I am happy for that. I am a bit upset because I have less available credit than a few years ago, which makes it feel like my budget is tighter than years ago, and my cc companies have been dropping my credit limit as I pay it off---which is upsetting because that messes up my credit score, and I have always paid my bills on time.

I am thinking of ways that I want to improve my life, myself, and how I deal with my budget and finances. I will be happy when I have paid off my debt, and can seriously start putting money towards my savings.

So, my bf and I have decided to not do the vacation thing. I am a bit disappointed in that, as it just reminds me of where I was a few years ago, and where I am now. So, I am a bit bummed. Though, I am making more money now than a few years ago, and I am more than happy about that aspect.

I have been thinking a lot about my life, and what I want to do in it, and what I want to accomplish.

I did good so far this month, in that I bought enough food to last me and my bf until next friday or so---maybe longer. I really want to avoid going to the grocery store as much as possible, because I think that though I don't buy frivalous things, it still results in my overspending on food.

I have been writing down my purchases, and really watching what I buy and making lunch out of odds and ends. I do want to stop that aspect, as those odds and ends aren't really the most healthy for me.

This weekend has been a slightly odd one.

I got to spend Thanksgiving with family and friends and I generally had a good time. Part of my family has a bit of opulence, and, it brought back some memories of when I was a kid and my family was poor and we needed help. I feel a bit odd because my family really could have used some help, but the side that is more oppulent chose not to. No one ever has to help, but I feel bad when I think of certain experiences and things endured, that could have been better with their help.

My bf is also having more money problems with his family, so, our vacation is going to be very, very short. I still have no idea of where we are going to go, or what we are going to do, or how we are going to pay for it. And my bday is coming up as well, and the idea of what I want to do for my bday is less than $40 bucks total, but I am not even sure how if I will be able to do that. My relative may give me money for my bday, but I am thinking that I want to use that for something I need, rather than something I want. Sigh.

I also want to set aside money for the New Year. I don't want to be broke (like I am today---so broke I chose to buy food over buying gas) during the New Year, and I want to at least have a little bit of money to buy something nice to eat.

So, as I am going over my budget, I realize that while I thought this month was going to be a bit better, I will need to be even more strict about my budget and I may not be able to do the food options I had first thought of. Or maybe, I can be even more inventive with my cooking, and stick to even more beans?

So, Thanksgiving was a really good day. I had good food, and spent time with my family and loved ones. And yet, though I should be happy, I found myself slightly upset and losing sight of the big picture.

I felt weird because I was hoping that my relatives would send me home with some leftovers, but, no one went home with any. I was thinking of the food I had made at home, and how much food would last me and my bf until payday. There was also the usual family stuff, so that is probably why I am irritable.

I was able to get food from a friend, and I am happy about that. Today, was really hard, though. People were rushing to and fro for big screen tvs and sales and whatnot. I chose not to participate in it. It made me a bit anti-consumerism. In reality, if I had money, I might be doing the same thing they are.....because I am broke at the moment, it just sort of irritated me. I really can't be upset at anyone but myself for being broke. There isn't anything I really should be buying in a store, except for necessities and food and things.

Today I find myself just irritated and thinking of how I am changing my spending habits. I think back at all the silly stuff I bought years and years ago....magazines, expensive lattes and frappuccinos, clothes, etc. I never bought big ticket items, just small stuff that wasn't really worth much, just wasting money. Did I really need to buy magazines?

This experience of being broke is very uncomfortable, but ultimately helpful in many ways. Though I am irritated, I know that so many other people have it much worse than I do. I am blessed to have food and a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I have it pretty good, I just have to get over being angry at myself because being broke sort of sucks, but, I am doing ok.

Today I felt really awkward. I went with a friend grocery shopping, and as she said how much she had to spend, I just felt so upset at myself. Her budget for Thanksgiving was ALOT---almost my entire monthly food budget. I asked for help with buying a few food items---less than $10---I wasn't sure if she would say yes or no, but I figured I would ask. She explained how she had more items to buy, and couldn't help me out but would help me out next month. I appreciated her help, and I felt weird because I don't think she knows how I am counting out money for even the most basic necessities. I felt like crying----I am upset at myself for letting myself get in this situation. Thankfully, in less than 3 years I should have my debt paid off and will be much more budget minded.

I wanted so man things in the store---even just the simplest of food items. It was weird realizing that I can't get myself even a healthy treat because of bad spending habits. I am not very happy with myself right now.

So, things have been odd lately. I have been doing a lot of introspection and contemplation.

Things have been difficult this month, and my friends and family have been helping me out and I really appreciate it. I really dislike having to ask for help, and I dislike even more that I have not stuck to my own rules about budgeting and buying enough food at the beginning of the month. I find myself now trying to figure out how much I have to put towards a thanksgiving dinner, and what food to buy for the days in between thanksgiving and when I get paid again. Sigh.

I have had some discussions with my boyfriend, and I realize that I just have to remain firm about what I need and when. He has been helping me out, but because of budgeting issues, he gives me money later in the month, or he is giving me money in the beginning of the month, not realizing that it is really for something that didn't get paid in the previous month. Sigh. So, we are having to work on that. I do realize that if it weren't for him helping me, I would not have food money.

It is hard looking at where I was financially not too long ago, and where I am now. On one front, my bills are going down and a major bill will be paid off this year. woo hoo! On the other front, money is super tight, I worry alot about what to buy to feed me and my bf, and I am behind on doing some routine maintenance stuff (for both myself and in general). It is also hard at times hearing people talk about the things they are going to buy during the holiday shopping season. I am going to just stay home on that day. It is also hard hearing from friends them say one thing about finances, but living a different lifestyle. I helped a friend out and I thought they were having more financial problems, but it turns out they weren't, as they were discussing their discretionary spending and what they want to buy.

I think, that since bf gets paid soon, I will let him know that I need help and for him to bring food for us until payday. I feel like I am just getting really stressed about it.

I am just going to focus on trying to do things to make myself happy, such as relaxing, redecorating, hobbies, etc. And I am going to focus on sticking to my budget more strictly.